Comfort in older men...awks

Yes, I am pretty attracted to older guys around that age as well. I think it's more of just a sexual thing though. I can't see myself actually dating someone that much older than me. But yeah the sense of security and their wisdom/more experience is definitely appealing. You aren't alone in feeling that way. It is kind of common in the gay community.

 

I like older women. Dont know if id date a woman in her 40s but i definitely feel safe around them. I feel like i can relate to them. I like having deep emotional discussions that tend to go over the heads of people my own age. I find intelligence and depth in a woman alarmingly sexy! Physically no, im not generally attracted to them (except for serious hotties like Angelina Jolie and such! MILF!) but i do find their brains a real turn on.

 

It's actually very common and normal, I don't think it's anything to worry about. We all have emotional needs and tend to subconsciously look for partners that we feel will fill those needs.

If you'd do some research you'd actually uncover a mountain of opinions which circles around the Nature vs Nurture debate. I don't know if you are familiar with it, on the one side you have those who say that Sexuality is determined by biological factors and that we are essentially born this way, e.g. Nature. On the other side there are those who argue that it's more a case of life's events and that we basically develop our sexual orientation from things that happen in our lives, e.g. Nurture.

I don't think it matters much, point is no one chooses their sexual orientation if it was that easy I don't think we would be on this forum. In my opinion I think both play a role in human development and that its a combination of elements that makes us who we are and whom we are attracted to irrespective of whether you are straight, bi or gay.

On the nurture side studies show that in a lot of cases children grow up to be attracted to a partner that have attributes either missing or prevalent in their parents... For example you'd find that lots of girls subconsciously end up looking for traits which their father had when looking for a potential mate.

Likewise studies show that a lot of gay men end up searching for traits in a partner that they feel would complete them. In a lot of cases where young gay men are attracted to older gay men you'd find that there often was an absent father figure. Either a single parent situation where there was no dad in the house or an absent father that didn't give his son the attention and physical contact that the boy needed growing up. In these cases it's very likely that if the boy happens to be gay that he would be attracted to older men who could fill the emotional needs that he missed out on as a kid.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you, never the less it is an interesting theory if you are into analysing things like I am.

 

My boyfriend is 47 so yes, I agree with the sense of security. In fact he's snoring right next to me as I type

 

I definitely find guys 30+ to be way more attractive, but I don't think I will be having a relationship with anyone near that age until I'm around that age. Not because there would be no middleground, I've always got along with people older than myself better than I do with people the same age, I'm just not at a stable enough point in my life and I don't want in one just for security.

If its what you want though I'm sure you could make it work, it all depends on the people involved. If your both mature enough, or one of you can pickup the slack of the other without having it an issue than go for it

 

It's me and my boyfriends 5th month anniversary today and our relationships is mostly healthy.

 

My whole WHOLE family knows and friends. I'm 20 he's 47. No one cares.

 

Hey man, I can relate. I myself have always liked older men, and not just in a sexual way. I find that I need men in my life to just help me get through it. It's awesome to have people to talk to who have been there and done it. I totally think I have some father hunger issues, "daddy didn't love me"! J/k but not really LOL. I'm with a girl right now, but the only men I notice as attractive in that Linda way are usually 50ish.. It's kinda weird I but hey, what can ya do. Thanks!

 

Sorry Chip, but the same can be said about your entire response. To tell someone who has an attraction to someone when there is a significant age gap that they need therapy and counseling is 'bullshit' (as you so eloquently told Ditz). I would love to know where YOU get YOUR data from? Or are you just speaking from some biased personal experience?

I came across this article while researching this subject. And for the record, I didn't search specifically for gay, lesbian or straight....because on this subject orientation isn't an issue. What I like about it, is that there are some views from children whose parents ages were significantly different. Also, each person's view gives the pros and cons.

Large age gaps in a relationship: our readers respond

 

Dear Chip

It was certainly not my intention to ruffle anyone feathers nor give an inaccurate or harmful opinion in any way. You are of course entitled to disagree with any of my statements.

In my post I stated that it's common to find cases where younger men are attracted to older men, that the OP is not alone in that regard, hence not an abnormal phenomena to find in society. Whether it is a healthy relationship combination or not, I don't know and no where did I state that it was or wasn't.

I used the nurture debate to explain the theory (which are debatable unlike facts) of why some of us are attracted to older partners which is exactly the same explanation you gave. Look at the very next paragraph and you'll see that I clearly stated that the nature vs nurture theories are irrelevant when it comes to sexual orientation, that sexual orientation is not a choice, but that life events can play a role in explaining why we are attracted to certain attributes in a partner. The nurture vs nature debate has been settled long ago, never the less the research gained from the debate is still relevant to help explain behaviour which is not the same thing as sexual orientation.

If the OP or anyone reading this post identified their attraction as stemming from unmet emotional needs, they can make an informed choice whether they feel the need to deal with those issues or not.

 

---------- Post added 1st Jan 2013 at 11:39 AM ----------

In all seriousness, there have been strong correlations found on both sides of the debated subject.
It's been shown that gay males tend to have "straighter" mothers; that is, is Fred's mom has a lackluster attraction to men he's more likely to be straight but if Jack's mom spends every night having sex for three hours he'll likely be gay. Unfortunately, since media attention seems to be focused on gay males, there's no study of the same type for women.

But there's also a nurture piece too. While it's definitely not changeable, young experiences are formative both to our outlook on life and to our epigenetics, which are basically patterns coded into our DNA--it's hard to explain, so I'll let SciShow do it: Epigenetics - YouTube

So both are somewhat right, at least in my opinion.

Now in response to the main debate here, we need to decided if a lack of a father figure makes you attracted to older men and/or gay. I believe that it probably can before we turn 5 or 6, though maybe not a lot, but having one parents or two of the same gender of parents will change your daily habits and mindset towards life.

Now in response to the original question--I personally am not attracted to most older guys but let me just say that most people, gay and straight, find Daniel Craig attractive. Age is not always indicative of outlook. So I think you're just attracted to a more mature mindset.

 

Hi, I am literally only attracted to "silver daddy' types. Men usually over 50, it kinda sucks too. I think part of it may be father issues, because my early life was F'd up and my dad was gone. Could be denial, but most of the time I feel hetero but just sick mentally, started therapy. We shall see

 

I'm 35 and often surprised at the quantity and quality of younger men who approach me. I always thought the reverse would be true and is in many cases.

 

Not necessarily, but I wouldn't disregard an older man. I actually think when I start dating, I'm going to look for someone relatively older than me. I think older guys would be more liable to like me for me.

In regards to the nature vs. nature thing that 'Ditz' posted, I'm undecided on that matter. I mean I was way more closer to my mother as a child, but I believe that's because I could relate to her more as a child. I definitely would not look for someone like my father as a potential date...

 

Hi

I will not debate normal or natural but I will take a crack at practical.

Personally I think it would be wrong for me to allow a young man to bond with me in a long term manner. It is simply a matter of lifespan. I would not want to create a situation leaving a middle aged widower (better term?) behind, or putting a young man in the position of caregiver.

It is not fair to the younger man. Sure, there is a middle ground of years where it works but eventually the bus goes over the cliff with the young man is faced with having to bail or go over the cliff and hang on.

I am not talking about love being blind to age, but age cannot be blind to empathy and practicality, and wisdom. If I truly loved a young man in respect to him I could not let him bond with me. It is a huge burden that I can see clearly but he cannot.

Just my opinion. It would be a huge compliment but unfair to youth in the end.

Stuck

 

I'd prefer younger men personally. Older guys remind me too much of my alcoholic father for some reason

 

Wow Chip, were you pissed off when you wrote this? Is this what passes for "A safe online community for gay, ...." ? If you disagree with what I say, can I expect an abrasive reply using vulgarity as an introduction to basically call me an idiot? If you were a regular user, it wouldn't bother me so much, but you represent this web site. Shouldn't you set the example for a safe online community? Your posting has definitely colored how I view this website. I was going to finally open up and post a few questions tonight, but I don't really feel safe doing so.

Outside of they way you formed your response, I respectfully disagree with some of the things you said. In my humble opinion, if two adults are in a relationship that is based on mutual respect then age doesn't matter. You gave a few examples of relationship scenarios that can arise without the couple having mutual respect for eachother. While that is an excellent warning of possible pitfalls he could run into, that doesn't necessarily mean he will. I know a few straight couples with multiple decade age differences who have been happily married for over 20 years. I also know one couple that didn't last 6 months.

The other thing is that he gave very little information about his concern. One possible interpretation is the he is not attracted to effeminate guys and hasn't met met any straight acting gay guys, near his age, that are mature and level headed. I certainly didn't know any guys like that when I was his age. The point being, without getting some more information from him, isn't it a little premature to "strongly suggest that the OP consider [therapy]"?

But those are my opinions and while they may be steaming pile of male bovine excrement, I'd expect to be treated with a little more respect on this safe online community, especially form the "staff". (&&&)

Good luck Peter. Maybe when you get to college (or whatever you do with your adult life) you will meet guys in their mid to late 20's who really do it for you. The important thing is that you should never feel weird and alone about who you are.