I came out to my parents early this year as being transgendered (FtM). They accepted it at first, but then quickly changed their minds and swore me to secrecy over the issue. I asked my mum how she'd feel if i eventually went for the full change, she said she'd treat it as if I died (ouch...). However, she changed her mind again when I was in hospital following a suicide attempt (one of many), and said I could dress however I wanted, change my hair, talk to people about it and generally make a start on things. I thought great, fantastic, I could finally be who I wanted to be. But then I started to notice her attitude changing again. She said some very stigmatizing and insulting things to me about it which made me feel like shit. So once again I was forced back into the closet. A couple of weeks ago I was discharged from a psych hospital after getting treated there for various other problems. When I got out I said to myself that I would make the new year my year, and really wanted to make a start on transitioning. My mum still OK'd it for me to change my hair and clothes, but surprise surprise changed her mind again. I understand it must be a difficult issue for parents but its really effecting me badly. The reason im so focused on their approval is that im worried about creating an even worse home environemnt or worse still, getting disowned. Im 19 now and realise I can make my own decisions, but Im still dependant on them atm while im getting my benefits sorted, developing my skills more (which I couldnt before because I was ill) and looking for somewhere else to live. I want to challenge them on the issue though, but im afraid I'll get hurt like I normally do. I can't take living as I am forever and am still really determined to get the ball rolling this coming year. What should I do?
