1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Lost, Alone, Confused & Inlove with best friend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ohyoudodoyou, Dec 31, 2012.

  1. ohyoudodoyou

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2012
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oxford, Uk
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi,

    I know that as soon as you saw the whole ‘inlove with my best friend’ bit in the title, you probably thought ‘oh not another one’ but I hope that writing this it might help me deal with things.

    Here goes…

    My name is Mark, I’m 27 and I work in a bookshop. About 7 years ago I went to a gig with this guy from work and soon we were best friends; hanging out at least 5 days a week. We did everything together. After about a week I developed a crush and after a few weeks I realised I was in love with him. We continued to see each other pretty much everyday and I fell deeper and deeper inlove with him. I knew that he knew I liked him, he asked me a few times if I was gay and both times I bottled it and said no. One of the things I always liked about him was the fact he was not like other guys, he never looked at women or even spoke about them. I knew he was straight, but I allowed myself to think maybe there would be a chance he would love me back. It never happened. He soon got a girlfriend, this destroyed me and I didn’t react to it so well and refused to get to know her and so he made the choice and chose her over me.

    He went down to London to study art and they broke up. Over the 3 years he was away, we didn’t speak. I became a recluse, pushed anyone that ever meant anything to me away and cut myself off from the world. Around four months ago I moved out of home and decided I would try and pick up the pieces of my life. Even though it had been 3 years, I still thought about him everyday. The feelings had been muted, but I still thought about him.

    About a month ago he turned up at the shop I work in and asked if I wanted to get a drink. I went and we had a good time. Since then he has come around several times, we just hang out, play playstation and chat. The problem i am having is that all my feelings are back. I don't seem to have changed, he has slightly, he occasionally talks about ex girlfriends and then quickly changes the subject. He has always been somewhat selfish, he knows that if he asks something of me i will do it and then he does nothing for me.

    When I am around him I feel so happy, then when he leaves I want to cry. I know that we can never be anything more than friends and that kills me. I don’t want to loose him as a friend, but I am not sure I can deal with being his friend. I get so jealous when he goes out with his other friends and get into a state.

    Anyway, so here I am sat alone in my house on New Years Eve alone and miserable. Having him back in my life is the last thing I needed. I am not happy working in retail, I have no real qualifications (as I chose travelling over uni), I’m lonely and now I am inlove with someone who would never will love me back. To add this I have no one to talk to, other than him, I have no real friends (just work colleagues). When I am around my family, I might as well be a stranger.

    Sorry this is so long, it probably doesn’t make any sense. However this is the first time I have admitted to anyone other than myself that I am gay. This is the first time in 7 years that I have been able to talk to anyone about this. I’ve just got to a point, where all I want to do is cry. I probably sound like a real headcase.
     
  2. Gen

    Gen
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2012
    Messages:
    4,070
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Nowhere
    Not at all, I'm sure I would beat you on the 'headcase scale' if I told the full story about my past love. Happens to the best of us. I still think of him daily, mainly because we are still friends and have to see each other ritually. You probably wont fully get over him until there is someone to replace that emotional void in your heart. However, you will get through it. I cant give you definitive advise, nor can I estimate how long it will take, but I can assure you it wont hurt forever.

    Many people recommend that you should try to put as much distance between you and him as possible, but sometimes we dont always have that luxury. Whether it is because we literally cannot, or we would rather save a friendship. One day, I finally forced myself to admit that this simply wasnt supposed to happen for us. Maybe there is a chance. Maybe there was a chance. But at the end of the day, I wasnt going to allow myself to make myself suffer through tears and sadness until that day came.

    Maybe there is a chance he could feel something for you. Anything could happen... But you also have to remind yourself that you are better than wallowing in your pain, waiting for some guy to see how amazing you are. I know it may seem like it now, but he is far from your only chance at happiness. You will never know anything with certaintity. So dont try to get over him, or any other guy because they love, or express their love, for you. Get over them because you are confident in the fact that you owe more to yourself.
     
  3. Ianthe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2011
    Messages:
    2,760
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Oregon
    Well, congratulations on your first-ever coming out! That is a big deal. And welcome to Empty Closets!

    If you continue to make progress toward coming out, some of this may resolve itself. If you have viable prospective relationships to invest your feelings in, you will be a lot more likely to keep focusing on this guy who isn't really an option.

    You don't have to do it right away, but maybe you could start thinking about whether there is anyone in your life you could consider as a first person to come out to.
     
  4. ohyoudodoyou

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2012
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oxford, Uk
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi,

    Thanks for the comments, I had avoided logging back in because I was scared of how pathetic I sounded. New Years Eve was probably the lowest point in my life, I have never felt so depressed and lonely. The day after though, felt like the first day of my life, a HUGE weight had been lifted and I felt/feel good. I know that I don’t know any of you in person, but I think just coming out to someone really helped.

    Since I posted it feels like I have taken a step forward and one step back. All my life I have been terrified of anyone finding out that I am gay and whilst it still fills me with fear; I finally came out to a friend a week ago. She was really cool about it and said that she always knew. That is the step forward and now for the step back. Since new years, he has been over every night and ends up staying over. We just watch movies, talk and then crash out in my bed. The next day we walk to work together and then he comes to meet me after my work has finished and we head back to my place. This is the problem, I kind of feel like I am back where I started. I am slowly allowing thoughts to pollute my mind again.

    Both of you are right. I feel like a new person for being out to you and now a friend. I know that I owe it to myself to come out to more people, I feel like I have wasted my life worrying about being me. I am not sure that I feel confident enough to tell anyone else just yet, but It feels good to be out to a few. I also know that things have to change between me and him, even if I enjoy him coming over every night and walking me to work. Tonight is the first night we have not hung out, we were meant to but something came up with him. I found myself feeling a little paranoid about what he is doing instead and basically going back to my old self. I don’t think that I could ever cut him off completely, but I do need to stop this cycle. It is not fair on him and it is not fair on me.

    Thank you for not thinking I am really pathetic and thank you for replying, full stop. I know that loads of people go through similar things, but when its you, it feels like no one else has ever been through it. I finally feel like I have somewhere/someone to talk to about it.
     
  5. Ianthe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2011
    Messages:
    2,760
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Oregon
    He asked you before if you were gay, so you could probably tell him as part of an explanation of why you need to distance yourself. I know it seems intimidating, but sometimes it's really best to deal with the truth head on. Did he seem like it would be a problem if you were? Telling him would make it possible for you to distance yourself without necessarily cutting him off.

    How is the situation unfair to him?
     
  6. ohyoudodoyou

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2012
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oxford, Uk
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I have debated telling him, but every now and then he says something that makes me think it wouldn't be cool. He is not laddish, but i get the impression that he is not comfortable with it. I would tell him, i really would, I just can't bring myself to actually say it. The friend that i came out to, said i should tell him, though she doesn't like him that much. She thinks he takes advantage of me, she thinks that he knows that i like him and uses it to get things out of me. Maybe he does, urgh i don't know what to do. The thought of putting distance between us, fills me with fear, i know it is needed though.

    I guess it is not unfair on him, as he knows nothing (i think) about these feelings and it is up to me to deal with it. Why do we over complicate things? I mean i don't care what sexuality someone is, yet i care what other people think about mine. It shouldn't matter! But yet it does...