Hey everyone, I've posted a few threads but found I really need to get to the point. I am a guy, and I am 23 years old. I'm almost going through puberty now, at least mentally because I choose to not be present the first time around (alcoholism, but recovering now). Anyways, I have always been default straight, that was just all I knew. I mean, I knew gay people kinda but never identified with them because I no desire to have a boyfriend in HS, I was crushing on girls. I've always liked women and was always super respectful and thus was in the friend zone a lot. Well, I was also an insecure, self loathing drunk and " I wonder if I'm queer" was never at the top of my worry list...then. Okay, just putting it all out. I developed attraction to this father figure fantasy. Started having sex fantasies about handsome older men, all the while still wanting to be in a relationship with a girl. Being in a loving/emotional relationship with a said man was not then or now my interest. Moving on, I had a few experiences with men I met online. Freaked me out, each time I felt worse and more confused. It Was like the reality was just weird and not kewl like the fantasy. So I don't do that today, also because i have a girlfriend of 2 years and it is my first serious adult relationship. I love her so much, but I am also very scared.. Okay, when we met I had instant lust. Was a typical sleeze too, thinking we could be FWB because i was still way to selfish to want a relationship. She would not have that and we became a couple, yay! We started having sex, awesome sex and all the time. I was having sex for the first time sober, my first time with a girl was a beautiful thing..drunk sex in the yard LOL. Well me and my girl have been living together and all are plans for the future are together. But, it seems the more feelings I developed for her and the more this love could possibly hurt me I got abit scared. My libido started to drop and anxiety started to hit. Some of this I contribute to my alcoholism, alcohol was but a symptom of the disease. But the fear of maybe being gay really started coming in my mind. I mean, I have never crushed on a man emotionally. Even if I see a man I think is attractive, if we speak the attraction dies. It's like I am only attracted to a "shell, or fantasy". If it becomes real, i get turned off. Sorry, haven't typed a paper in awhile LOL. So today, I delved into the world of fantasy online and got my fill..left me feeling guilty, gross, not happy. A lot like when I came off binges in the past. I dont deny, I find cleancut older men attractive. It's fun to watch the clips online, I have anxiety the whole time, feel guilty as Hell but its arousing. I love my girlfriend, to chase all the gay fantasy stuff I followed with thoughts of my favorite love making with her. Both are awesome, just quite different. I am just so afraid that maybe I am gay. Not because I'm ignorant or a homophobic person but im also directly affecting another person. Ive never cared about someone else before, I was all about self my whole life! Thats different today ( thanks AA) LOL. But it is, I do not want to harm her. I feel like if im.gay I need to know, I pray I'm just Bi so we can still be together. My girl knows about my other tastes...she saw a page last year that caters to Older guy admirers. I thought we were done, how could I blame her? I felt disgusting, no one in the real world knew that I had those interests, I felt so vulnerable and it was terrifying. She didn't leave me, thank God. She said she has had fantasies of women before, etc and forgave me. Or she accepted me, guess she is better at accepting me than me LOL. That was a year ago, I was pretty rattled by her finding out "I was a freak"! Dramatic I kno.. So I decided no more, was not worth losing her. But, I still have days where I get all into it and it makes me feel so bad! I feel like I'm just a piece of shit! Granted, I also do not feel guilty when I'm.having straight fantasies which often arent of her, go figure. But when I get into the "other" stuff I freak out and get all scared of being gay. I have really been obsessed with determining. "Once and for all" what's my deal, am I gay/bi what?? I have been totally distant and end my head. I read these tragic forums online about women whose husbands leave them for men, and I.don't want that to be me! Not that I could really see it happeni.g but could it! I lovey girl, I want a life with her. I suppose she knows I'm at least abit queer because of the computer "incident" but she is still here. I just don't want to be dishonest, but I am still trying to get honest with me. Just writing this felt great. Thanks for reading who ever you are, please share your wisdom with this total nut LOL, Peace n love folks
