An eventful one. I'd post this in the temporary forum, but I'm not sure where those posts will go after the New Years. I just want to rant/get any loose emotions out. And thank you in advance to anyone who even considers reading or caring. Depression came at full power. Happened when I became a father. Traumatic birth, I think. Almost had to deliver him by myself in a hotel room, thinking something was wrong. I never cried so hard in my life when my wife was in labor. Pure panic/anxiety. I'm glad the paramedics arrived in time. I don't think I could have gone through delivering him. Anyways, depression. Bad. Every night for the past few months have included a deep sadness and at least one thought of suicide per night. No attempts, I'm happy about. I know I have too much to live for. And I couldn't leave my son without a father. That's the only thought that kept me alive some nights. Probably the best friend in my life has disappeared. Twice. She was admitted for suicidal attempts and was gone for months. She was doing well. And then when I told her about how I was, she got extremely scared and worried. She moved to Texas but still called the crisis center on me one morning. I could tell she was very worried. It's been a month, and no word from her. Now I'm the one worried. I try to convince myself that she's okay and that she's happy, not upset by how I felt. If I'm the reason she got re-admitted... I don't deserve to be her friend. I've become such an introvert. I've come to grips that I don't like being social in real life. I have social anxiety (at least I think) and I just don't like most people. I'm a lot cynical at times than ever. I've tried to gain the attention of certain friends... who obviously didn't care. And those who did, I pushed away. I'm alone mostly. But I've done this. And I'll have to do my best. Again sorry. Just needed to get these feelings out.
Hang in there. I get very depressed, as well. My parents really take a toll on my mentality, but it will get better. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time, and I hope it gets better for you.
(*hug*) Keep holding on. It sounds like perhaps becoming a father has been very stressful, and while I know nothing about being a parent, it's not the easiest job in the world. But I am glad that you do not want to leave your son behind. He loves you, even if he is just a baby. That is definitely something to cherish. If your friend got re-admitted, you still deserve to be her friend. She may still be struggling and you aren't the reason that she may still struggle. I hope she is okay. I also hope that you feel better soon. I also have a hard time sharing my feelings of depression, etc. with my friends. But it's okay to be an introvert. I've also never really been that social, and while I sometimes feel bad about it (there's always pressure to socialize), it's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. If you're concerned you may have social anxiety, would you consider seeing a counsellor? I've gone to counseling, and while it's kind of a scary thought (going to counseling), especially if you're like me and want to hide yourself away from everyone, it can help a lot. I'm so glad I went. You have nothing to be ashamed of. We are here for you at EC, and it does help to post these feelings sometimes and just get them out. Sometimes it is hard to actually share with people, especially in real life. But you're not alone and it will get better. (*hug*) I hope I helped.
