Self-Awareness? LGBT Kids, other stuff.

You know, I think it's interesting that you would draw that connection because I'd never really thought about it until now but it makes a lot of sense. I didn't realize I wasn't straight until I was in seventh grade when I was like twelve or thirteen, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks because I hadn't noticed it even though it was so obvious, or at least it should have been. I became self-aware like around five or six too, but I think the delay in figuring out that I wasn't straight was because of the environment I was raised in. My parents always were and still are very conservative, and they made sure to instill those 'morals' into me, so when I saw guys that I thought were cute or freaked out when a girl asked me out, I didn't think anything of it, I mean, being gay was choice after all and I sure hadn't chosen to be gay, so there was no way I could be gay. Anyways, I'm not sure how much of an effect being gay had on my self-awareness since I didn't find out I was gay until pretty recently, I always attributed it with how smart you were, but maybe you're onto something.
I've always known there were people that found anything LGBT repulsive, mostly because I was raised by people who thought that and hilariously enough I was actually raised into someone who thought that. Until six or seven years ago there was no doubt in my mind that homosexuality was a sin and when I started figuring out my sexuality I was horrified at the thought that if I were to die I would be going straight to hell. It's a hard mindset to get out off man, it really freaking is, and I think you're right in saying LGBT kids need to be reached early so they aren't mentally scarred. I have some neighbors who are hardcore Christians too, like me parents, and they have a daughter who decided to go out with a girl, and her brother and sister found out, and it's just so sad to see how they're treating her. They talk about how if she wants to go to hell then it's her choice and that she's never been a 'true' christian and all that. I feel bad because I feel if I were to just say that I'm gay maybe she'd get less abuse from them, but I can't do that right now, I know what my parents would say and do if I did and I can't deal with that right now. Anyways, it is insane how the world is but, weirdly enough, I get where they're coming from. This is how they were raised, this is all they've known, this is what they believe is right. One thing people for sure hate is being told that they're wrong, especially by people younger than themselves, which just so happens to be the majority of the LGBT community in comparison with the more anti-gay peoples. And to be fair, I'm ashamed to say, if I hadn't been gay, I probably would've been a homophobic jerk too, just because I was raised that way, it's all just bad patterns that need to be broken bro.

 

Please excuse any repetition in my type, or typos, because I'm extremely drunk right now and I'm using an xbox chatpad to write this, and that makes things ridiculously hard to proofread. That said:

First off, I realized I was gay at an extremely young age. I was maybe preschool kindergarten age. Everyone was all like, "eww, girls have cooties, but someday you need a girlfriend" and I was all like pppffbt, thats dumb, girls aren't icky but I am never gonna like them. My view of "girls aren't cooties" was probably the first time I realized that I was diferent from the other boys, although it never really clicked for me, and I didn't know what was "wrong" with me until later. I have always been inquisitive, and basically was forced to raise myself, as my mom was an alchoholic who was never home, and I learned to read long before preschool. I remember reading Stephen King's "IT" in first grade, while the rest of the glass was learning how to read the word "the". Hell, I read the book "Forbidden City" in kindergarten. The teacher was just proud of the fact that I could read and understand waht I was reading. If she had realized what that book was about, my life would probably have become very different from what it is today. Lets just say that reading about students in china getting killed while protesting is not normal kindergarten material. But I digress.

I was watching an episode of "Roseanne" with my family one day, and the word "gay" was mentioned. I had never heard of or read that word, so of course I asked what it meant. My mom refused to tell me, but my grandma always believed in knowledge, and she explained it to me. Right then, I had a name for myself. I was gay. I was in first grade, and I knew without a doubt that I was gay. No one ever talked about the subject around me, so that was all I knew about it until I started watching the news with my family. I never talked much, so I didn't feel the need to just blurt out "I like other boys", but watching the news in the early 90s, watching LGBT rights develop, watching what the media said about them, the attitude that was given, just made me instinctively hide it. My only exposure to gay culture was the super flamboyant type, the kind the media just loved to show and exploit back then.

For me, it wasn't really a big deal, it was just something I knew I should hide. I had enough problems in my life: bottom of the social ladder, alchoholic mom, hated sports, loved games, solo type kid, and I read books FOR FUN. Everyone hated me already, I didn't want to add to it and didnjt want to be singled out more than I already was.

I remember when Ellen Degeneres came out. She was already playing a gay person in her show. It was shortly after the TV rating system had come out. She announced that she was for realsies gay, and the media blew into overdrive. For weeks, thats all I heard when sitting in my living room eating dinner. "Ellen is gay, we can't expose our children to this, she is morrally corrupt, what a horrible person" and other whargarbl. Made me feel absolutely horrible. Made me want to crawl away and die. Made me want to kill myself.

I was still in elementary. Imagine that: an elementary student who already thinks of suicide. How absolutely fucked up is that? I retreated into myself. I didn't talk to people, and I most certainly didn't want to think of myself as gay. I mean, I always knew. Always. That didn't mean I wanted it; God no. I didn't want to be gay, I wanted to be normal like everyone else. I had no help. No o ne to talk to. I tried talking to my school nurse: she just told me, and I quote here, "Well, you'l appreciate girls eventually, you'll see."

Fast forward a few years. My family was never Holy-Art-Thou super religious- we were Lutherans, and to them that just meant you were socially obligated to go to church on Sundays, sing along, and then go home and do your thing. Which of course meant that I was expected to play along, and do fun church things, like Sunday Schol and confirmation.

Now, in my case, and I'm not sure about all Lutherans, but my church? They never, ever even mentioned the possibility of homosexuality. It wasn't that they condemned it, they just literaly never mentioned it. In any aspect. Shit, I even got sent to a sexual education confirmation camp. Looking back, thats really weird, but at least they were aware enough, and accepting enough of cultural change, to realize that sexual awareness is totally a thing and actually sought to teach us. They were really cool about it, very open, and if I was straight I'm sure it would have been very helpful. They had an open door policy on questions, and you could ask them privately, or you could write it down and they might pick the scrap of paper out of a hat and read it to the group, and then answer if to the best of their ability.

This was my chance. Because we were at a church camp, I was forced to bring a bible. And I'm a very prolific reader. I had finished my only book on the first day (Jurassic Park. Should help give a timeframe for those that care. The movie had just came out). So I was reading the bible, for lack of anything else to read, and stumbled across the supposed anti gay part. Now, if you've ever read that whole book, its hilarious, and even I knew at that young age that pretty much everything in that section was pretty much ridiculous bs. Don't eat pork? Don't touch people with leprosy or youjre going to hell? The same section of the bible that says "RAWR, GAY IS THE BAD" is in the same part of the bible where it says that urinating makes you unclean for seven days or something. It was total garbage.

But of course, when you're brainwashed that religious crap, and you're in a religious sex ed summer camp, and you're closeted gay, you have to ask. Its kindof a given. So I wrote an anonymous note. And it got pulled! I recognized it when they pulle dit, because I had highlighted the whole thing neon yellow. They said out loud "This is a hard question, lets try another" and passed on it.

I was devastated. I still had no answers. I was trapped in this place, I was surrounded by straight people learning to have safe straight sex, and absolutely nothing applied to me.

So I just hid it. And hiding it damaged me.

I didn't really believe in God anyways. I ended up, and still do to this day, believe that SOMETHING created the universe. I just believed religion itself was wrong. But....what if. What if it was true? What if I really deserved to die? What if, no matter what I did, even if I didn't act on it, that my thoughts alone sentenced me to an eternity in hell? I can't control my thoughts; was I an unwitting sinner? Did God, or whoever created the universe, hate me?

Being an introspective child at such a young age, and growing up with the awareness of what I was, and that society dissaproved (at the time), kinda fucked me up. To this day, I'm still in the closet. I recognize what I am, I'm willing to admit it, but I can't quite get over the stigma that was forced into me as a child that I need to be like everyone else.

So, in my opinion? Small children absolutely need to know about these things. They need to be given the opportunity to express themselves, play with the toys they want to play with, be told that they can be anything for any reason at all. Because children are smarter than you think. What you say around them, what they percieve of their surroundings, whether it be polital, cultural, or/and immediate, will have a profound influence on how they develop.




This turned into a really long post, sorry. I get chatty when I drink.

 

I wish posters would stop apologizing for long posts. Those are the best.

@Juggalo: both your school nurse and your Lutheran camp leader had no business doing the jobs they were doing. The nurse was terribly lacking in her basic training, and the camp leader obviously had an agenda to push. They shouldn't have ever been put in a position of authority over young kids. It's good, though, that the bad impression they made on you at first didn't linger strongly enough for you to become one of those self-hating gay-haters who can't make peace with who they are and demand everybody else gets neatly rearranged instead.

 

Yeah, that was one of the best posts that I've read around here.

I grew up in a fairly religious household (Catholic, and we were stereotypical Catholic - there's 7 of us kids!). So I was always taught that homosexuality was a sin, and that you'd go to hell. Of course, imagine my terror when I realized that I was homosexual!

So what did I do, right up until this present day? Completely repressed my sexuality. I've never had any relationships with a man or woman. I know this is horrible, but it is what it is. I'm just now starting to come to terms with who I am, and that it's completely OK. In doing that however, I've denied myself what should have been the best years of my life. And I'm angry at myself for that.

I don't think that these religious nuts realize what damage they do, it's sort of like telling me that I'm going to go to hell for having brown hair, another thing that I can't control - but could hide (I could dye my hair - I don't, I rather like it the way it is!).

 

I didn't start to realize I was gay till I was 21. I was so convinced being gay is a choice I figured a guy would come around eventually that I would be into but it never happened.

 

I'll keep this post a lil bit shorter.

Preschool, boy's room. First instance I can remember that I couldn't help but stare. That was so long ago, I can't remember much else. I know it was before I learned to tie my shoes, though.

I also vaguely remember playing with a Hot Wheel and cruising it over some little girls leg and up the height of her body. I got screamed at for that, and all I remember thinking was, "Who cares, shes a girl, I'm not interested in her private parts." Also in preschool. This was after I learned how to tie my shoes.

^-- The quote below is for that. I can't post today.

Oh And for my parents? Dad already posts rainbows on Facebook and told me he wants to be a princess. Also his niece is gay. My mom? I don't care what she thinks. She'd probably have a nervous breakdown about how I'm gonna get killed for it. She is..unstable.

I've always gotten along better with women. Didn't have male friends until after high school.

 

For me, it was a little complicated. I always knew I was different from a very young age, and realized just last year that I'm a lesbian. I didn't come out until I was 21, but questioned myself for years before that.

I've never gone boy crazy before, I have had crushes on male celebrities but nothing beyond looks really. I never fantasized about male celebrities, I would fantasize about the female ones though. Normally it would be a female celebrity I was crushing on, I would imagine them laying in bed with me, nothing sexual just comforting me as I fell asleep. And looking back, I've only really had crushes on the women in my life, when I hang out with guys or get to know guys, I don't really develop crushes on them. It's more just a "Oh, that guy is cool." When I start to develop a crush on a woman, my whole body will react. My heart beats faster, my palms sweat, I blush, and just being around the other person is the best thing ever. I've tried to imagine what my life would be like with a man, and being with a woman feels so much more fulfilling to me.

I never really understood my friends fascination or crushes on guys, I would only notice the women.

 

^^^ This!!!!! I can't word it any better for me as well!!!! This is SO me too! Even when I would try to imagine me being with a man, I just can't, it doesn't feel natural to me at all. I think who I may marry someday or be with for the rest of my life, and it's always with a woman.

 

......Why are all of you so worried about the past so much..... I can hardly remember what I did yesterday and you guys are soo worried about years ago.....just live for today Sheesh how hard is that.

 

@ VyreRain I don't mean this to be representative of others but, the reason I'm so interested in my past is because it's pretty much what makes you who you are today. There's this quote by this dude that says, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it," and I agree. If you don't know what went wrong in your past, or what's bothering you, how can you fix it? I feel like you need all those combined experiences from your past to know yourself better and grow, that's just my opinion though.

And I know I'm late to the party, but I really like this thread. It's interesting :icon_bigg

To answer your first question, my parents are very set in their opinion of homosexuality, it's wrong, it's a sin, and whoever practices it is going to hell. I think were they stray from the average is that they believe it's like demonic possession instead of a choice, and that through prayer you can get rid of the demon. The paradoxical part is that even though by their own beliefs homosexuality isn't a choice, they act like it is, because I guess in their eyes the people are choosing not to fight it.

They're not spiteful towards gay people, not in the whole spouting hatred sort of way, but they do mock. To them, being gay is ridiculous, if they talk about any gay issues they can't help making it a joke and just making fun of it. I think that comes from their background, growing up in a country were being gay was not acceptable and so alien, they're not comfortable with it and the best way to handle it for them, is by turning it into a joke.

If they ever found out I was gay they would probably get very outraged, I guess, that being raised as a Christian, I would stray so far 'into the world'. They'd rant about 'how far you've gone' as if it's a result of my own doing. No matter how I would argue with them I doubt that I'd ever be able to convince them that it's something I'd always felt, they'd probably say my mind has been corrupted to make me believe I thought I was gay when I was little, when I really wasn't. I think it would forever ruin whatever semblance of a relationship we may have ever had.

That is not to say that they would stop loving me, I'm sure that they would continue to do so. It's just, out of their love and misguided ideals, they would attempt to 'save me' in any way that they could and I'm sure they would attempt this until they proved successful or they were in their deathbed. Once I come out to them I know for sure I won't be able to convince them otherwise so I'm hoping to do it right now that they think I'm straight.

The first time I realized I was gay was when I stayed up all night working on a project in seventh grade and then decided to watch some porn, and I realized: wait, this is gay porn.. Yeah, it was pretty odd because I'd watched 'gay porn' for at least a couple of years before I realized that I was gay, I guess I was deeply in denial.

My first attraction to the same gender goes back way more, though I couldn't recognized it for what it was back then, I remember watching movies when I was little and I was always so interested in the cute guys in the movies, just because I thought they were good looking, I just didn't think it was gay, mostly because I didn't understand what being gay meant. I thought it was being dressed up in a tuxedo and dancing and kissing another man in a tuxedo because I read a religious comic strip thing that showed it like that. It's weird how your mind processes stuff when you're little, I wonder what would've happened if I had found out I was gay from an earlier age. Probably nothing good..

 

I think having a 'living for today' attitude isn't a great idea. Reflection on the past helps with contemplation of the future.
Having said that - I knew I had a special feeling around other guys at the age of 9ish but I had no idea of what this was called, what it meant, what I would be called and so on and I was oblivious to the social challenges I might be faced with and thought it was normal.

Would you rather be in this situation - unknowing of what was to come and unknowing of what any of these feelings actually meant - Or would you rather retain the situation you've experienced? (If you could go back in time, that is :dry: )

 

I didn't know anything for a fairly long period of time. I vaguely remember wearing dresses and braiding my mom's hair when I was about five years old. When I had to go to preschool, my mother made me wear more masculine clothing and go by my actual name. The same applied to kindergarten. I asked if I could wear a pink shirt and a skirt, and she gave me a weird look. Also, I DID play with barbies, which is predictable.

In about third grade, I was realizing how I was 'supposed' to physically be female, or atleast desired to. I found out what the term transgender meant around 6th grade. And as far as my attraction to men... I thought it was completely normal up until 5th grade, when people started using homophobic terms.