29, stuck in life & frustrated - & arguably insane

Hello! This is really long (sorry!), but I'm desperate & frustrated, & trying to convince myself that I haven't completely fucked up my life. (I've posted before, so stuff in "quotes" is either from that post, or detail. Not sure how to do spoilers - sorry.)

I'm 29, unemployed, living with my parents, in a town I loathe (a bureaucratic hellhole), utterly alienated from the environment, not really living in the 21st century - & coming to terms with the fact that I'm gay. I keep making the same mistakes. Things cannot go on this way. This is a new year, & I want my life to change. I'll be 30 in a few months; I must determine what I'm doing with my life, & confront my sexuality. So why is it so difficult?

I. I'm (probably) gay
I've spent the last decade and a half ignoring sexuality. I told myself I hadn't socialised enough to meet the right girl, wasn't confident enough to think about girls, or was asexual. Saw a few psychologists for anxiety & depression, who all said that I was a homosexual in denial - which I denied. But my subconscious was telling me otherwise.

Since then, I've felt I had to confront the issue. I've started looking at gay porn, & realised that it's arousing - when I'm not disgusted with myself.

I'm currently seeing a counsellor (for sexuality), which is awkward, because she wants to talk about my "feelings" - whereas I haven't had any since I was 13, & have the emotional intelligence of a whelk. I tend to approach life from an angle of cheerful, energetic rationality, which ignores emotions. She's suggested that I go to places where gay people congregate, just to observe - & the idea terrifies me. Shall I continue to be a coward? Pah! So why am I so reluctant?

• Shame This is HUGE. I know deep down that I'm not heterosexual. I don't want to be straight; I want to be comfortable with who I am, & confident - which won't be until I'm out. But I'm reluctant to admit it, act on it, or have people suspect that I'm gay. (Even posting here is nerve-wracking.) And, yes, this is the 21st century, the sodomy laws have been abolished, attitudes to sexuality are cultural constructs, & there are plenty of admirable gay historical / cultural figures. It shouldn't be a big deal. How do I get to the point where I can think a guy is attractive without feeling guilty, intimidated, or like some lower form of life?
• Am I making a mistake? Have I convinced myself I'm gay because I haven't been around girls enough? Do I really think I'm heterosexual? Unlikely. In an earlier post, I put forward the evidence for & against my being gay.
  But I don't "feel" gay. I'm trying to deal with something emotional from an intellectual standpoint, as a problem to be solved; so it seems unreal, of academic interest only.
• Left it too late I've been in denial for so long that coming out has attained huge proportions. Shouldn't I have dealt with this as a teenager?
• Poor body image Very mild cerebral palsy; recovered from eating disorder (45 kg a year ago, not ideal for someone who's 5'8"). I was thin! I could see my ribs! Now I think I'm overweight (some flab, not toned, although people have said I'm looking fitter), & that I need to look like an Adonis before I can have a relationship. Hurrah for galloping inferiority complexes!

II. My current situation

In real life, I've been told I come across as confident, energetic, friendly, & able to talk under water - not to mention opinionated & forceful. (Playing a part?) But I'm grappling with a feeling of failure, caused by the fact that I haven't achieved anything in life, I'm wasting my talents, & I'm living with my parents.

I've wasted my 20s. The time of life when I should have been out exploring the world, working out who I was, and (yes!) falling in love & having relationships, I've spent in isolation.

And what have I got at the end of it? An M.Phil. in English, which I can't see how to use. No intention of becoming an academic: I want to get into the real world, not the ivory tower, & I don't want to be a teacher. How the hell did my life come to this? (A: By shutting out the real world.)

I'm also utterly at odds with my environment. Ever since I was a kid, I've wanted to TRAVEL - to see the world, & have adventures. I'm living in a country I don't want to be in - I'm Australian, lived in Belgium as a child (10-13), & feel more European than Australian. I'm bilingual in French, have good German & Italian, & am thinking of learning Russian. I've read voraciously in history & literature, comparative religion & mythology, & could write a book on 19th C opera. I'm used by now to thinking on the broad historical scale, & feel that I have Western civilisation floating around inside my head. In fact, I'm probably living proof of reincarnation. By the end of uni, at 23, I'd read the complete works of Shakespeare, most Greek tragedies, was obsessed with Wagner & Meyerbeer, & the Roman emperors. And what did I know about the modern world? Zip, nada, zilch. I haven't just been in the closet - I've shut out the 21st century. I'm sick of a life that is purely intellectual & historical, that isn't grounded in reality, of being an outsider.

I've barely socialised with people my age - a handful of friends from school; improv acting last year (where several people asked whether I was gay - am I somehow giving off signals without being aware of it???); returned to uni in another town start of this year, &, although I made good friends with a lot of people, pulled out because I wasn't sure what I was doing. I listen to modern music, read SF&F, & go to the movies whenever I get a chance (40 times last year). But how did I spend New Year's Eve? At home, watching an obscure Russian opera in which a group of mad monks throw themselves into a funeral pyre. Is this what a 29 year old should be doing? I HATE MY LIFE.

I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking that I've ruined my life, & I'll never be happy; or I find myself thinking "I want my life to end". Every day, I pass the pre-school & primary school I went to 20-odd years ago, when life seemed rich & exciting. Somewhere inside is the curious, energetic, outgoing boy who thought he would amount to something in the eyes of the world. And that kid is screaming. To find myself at the age of 29 stuck in one small town, doing nothing with my life, unsure what to do, & trying to work out who the hell I am, is a nightmare.

 

Everyone: Thanks for your replies, & for the support & sympathy! It's heartening to know that other people have had similar experiences, & that I'm not alone - & I'm sorry that you've gone/are going through turmoil, & hope that we all find what we're looking for.(&&&)

Didn't mean to sound so overwrought; I'm just feeling overwhelmed by not enough going right in my life, & the enormous changes I have to make - changing my whole personality, attitude to life, lifestyle, career. Not going to be much left of me! "The old man must die, & the new man will discover to his inexpressible joy that he has never existed."

Curlycats, I think the fear of being gay is due to adolescence. Went to a conservative all male Anglican school, with a staunchly homophobic culture - being gay was about the worst possible thing you could be; nobody was openly gay, & the general attitude was one of contempt. Thought that being gay meant misery & loneliness & isolation. (And not being gay has meant...?) Was bullied in high school - not for being gay (which I was hiding from myself), but for being different: clever, imaginative, literary, dramatic, bad at sports, &, until the age of 14, sensitive (cried easily). So became self conscious about being different from "normal" guys. Monitored my mannerisms for any sign of effeminacy. If I had to be different, I'd be so on my own terms: larger than life, & heartily eccentric (BRIAN BLESSED!!!).

There are a few other reasons, mainly physical stuff. (Might post anonymously.)

Don't know many gay people; really only one friend in Melbourne, who's nice but psychotic, & a guy I did archery with. So I should try to post actively here. I've told a couple of friends that I suspect I'm gay, who are fine with it. Others have been suggesting that I'm gay for years... BUT the group also contains Christian fundamentalists, who believe that homosexuals (along with non-Christians, scientists, people who have sex outside marriage, &c) are damned; & economic rationalists who consider gays (& I quote) "limp-wristed faggots". So there's the fear of ridicule & humiliation, & not being accepted.

Re. the counsellor: it's OK, but we're too different temperamentally. Nearly made the mistake of seeing a psychologist / would-be politician whose election platform was making homosexuality a criminal offence.:eek: Fortunately, he was soundly thrashed at the polls.

Odahingum, you're right. I set high standards for myself. But what's done cannot be undone. I can't sit in the closet, wringing my hands & saying "I am accursed! Alackaday! I need a time machine!" I have to be proactive, & move on. After all, Wagner had 12 years of exile & poverty, & Dickens worked in the blacking factory... (I'm comparing myself to Wagner? Diagnosis: early onset megalomania!) What are your novels about, & have you had any published?

Now to determine what I should actually do with my life, & what steps to take. Joining an LGBT group would be a good idea, CaptVonTrapped, but I don't feel comfortable coming out in this town. Too small; don't have enough independence.

And decide on a career. I could apply for PhDs in Europe & the US, & be over there by the end of the year - but I don't want to be an academic. Left it too late to be an actor, & it's an unstable life. I've applied for a dozen or so courses in Melbourne, so should get into something (I'll know in a fortnight). Ideally, TV/film production, which would be the best way of using my knowledge of drama productively, & communicating with an audience. But that'll take another 3 years, & I worry I'd have left it too late to get overseas by then. Well, start writing scripts & stories, so I have a name as a writer; & there're the Fox Studios in Sydney. Like you, RainbowMan, I find the idea of not having control terrifying. Studying & working means losing control; going from a roof over my head & 3 meals to...? I'm looking at social groups in Melbourne - there's a gay RPG / D&D Meetup group, which could be ideal - likely to meet people who are on a similar wavelength. Are there any groups you could join where you live?

Anyway, thanks again!