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Need Help - Outed by a Stalker

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jade Ivy, Jan 1, 2013.

  1. Jade Ivy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2013
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi. I am new and hoping you can help me. At 51 years of age I fell in love with a woman, after a lifetime of marriage and children with the fathers of my two daughters. I realized then that, although the woman I loved was straight, I was not. So I sought out a relationship with a woman. I found a girlfriend. At first she was nice to me. I had my first sexual experience with a woman with her. I was happy. I was in love.

    Then, she started encroaching on my life in many ways and acting strangely, and so I started backing off. She started cyberstalking me. I told her not to contact me and tried to ignore her, but then the threats started. She threatened to share the private and personal things I had told her with my current and former employers. She told me that if I did not respond to her calls our 'sex would go virtual'. She said I had hurt her and she was going to hurt me. I was terrified when I came home to my house every night that she might be there, that she might shoot me and my daughter. I tried to appease her, but when I could see that only made things worse, I finally gave up, and she did in fact contact both my current and my former employers. I work in the nonprofit world, for a board of directors. Happily, my board of directors supported me. I finally had to file criminal charges to make her stop. She has stopped now, but I am a wreck.

    I am not ashamed of being gay or bi or whatever I am. I still don't know how you decide. I just wanted to let people know in my own way. Having my whole board of directors contacted was an awful way for it to happen. And, honestly, I feel raped. The idea that this scary person that was a complete stranger to me apparently touched me, had sex with me....it's just icky and awful. I feel raped. And the fact that this was my first sexual experience with a woman does not make it any easier. And the fact that I don't know who to talk to about this...that does not make it easy either.

    I'm just hoping I can find some supportive friends here.
     
  2. inthedark4eva

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Massachusetts USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    (*hug*) First of all, welcome to EC!!! (*hug*)

    Ugh....what a horrible way to have to come out of the closet. I can understand why you feel the way you do, you were violated. To be honest, it's an experience like yours that has kept me in the closet and scared to go out and actually meet other gay people.

    Don't let that one very bad experience hold much bearing on your sexual orientation though. That definitely isn't the 'norm'. Similar situations (some a lot worse) can happen regardless of sexual orientation.

    As far as figuring out your orientation.....it's a process. For me it was a very long process and I spent a lot of time thinking and reflecting but the answer was right in front of me the whole time (think of the person who is always losing their eyeglasses and 99% of the time their on their head). So, just take things slow and do some reading around here. It's a very informative place.
     
  3. Jade Ivy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks. I'm glad to find this place.

    I'm braver than giving up on my sexuality because of a bad experience. I've waited too long to find it. But i do feel kind of broken right now. I find myself being really irritable and I cry a lot, like every day, and I want to sleep a whole lot. I don't feel depressed, I feel, as you said, violated and somehow that makes you feel....well, hurt and injured and weak and kind of numb and sometimes really angry. And sometimes, I find myself being angry/grumpy with people that didn't do anything at all to me...they just get caught in my emotion.

    Going to work is hard. But I have to go to work. People depend on me.

    I just want to heal. I want to feel better. Maybe just talking about it helps as I feel better now, just finding this site and reading and writing a little.
     
  4. redstormrising

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    How perfectly awful!! I am terribly sorry your first experience with a woman had to be so negative. It will take some time to recover and perhaps seeing a therapist might help. As for sorting out your orientation, ultimately only you can figure it out. But feel free to stick around here and ask questions, read others' experiences, etc. When I first came out and wasn't sure whether I was gay or bi, I just said "I like girls" and left it at that.