So basically, I want to share something because I was hoping I would find someone with similar experiences, ideas, support, whatever... Me and my girlfriend have lived together for 6 months, and before that we lived as roommates in separate in a dormitory for two years. In total we have known each other for three years and been together over one. But during the time I have known her and lived with her, she hasn't appeared depressed or anything at all...until a few months ago things really started to go downhill. She is crying almost every day, and when I say crying, I mean something that can last for a long time and she is totally hysterical, not seeing anything rationally. She has described that it feels like her world is falling apart and she sees no hope or no end to the tears when she once starts. Her selfesteem is really low. We also fight every day many times per day, and needless to say we are both exhausted. I know almost all her problems are coming from her mother who never allowed her to show any feelings, has even still this extreme control over her and critizises everything my girlfriend does, says or even thinks. My girlfriend tiptoes around her mother who gets angry at everything, and after she came out to her mom before last summer things have been even worse. She told me I am her first healthy relationship ever, where she can show all her emotions and be freely around me. And trust me, I am happy to help, to listen and to comfort. I have been through depression and stuff like that and I know what it is to feel sad, anxious, upset, low and worthless and whatnot. But - even though I don't want to sound selfish - I am so tired of this. I fear every evening, because I know it is the time she starts to turn weird and sad. I feel like I cannot even talk normally sometimes, because it can be just a tiny thing or tone in my voice that she picks up and it pushes her over the edge. Her mother taught her that every problem you have you cause yourself, and there is no reason to seek help because you should be able to fix everything alone. It took me a long time to get her to see a mental health nurse, but she can only see her 6 times. After that she should move on to see a psychologist who could offer more long term help, but she finds it something to be very ashamed of and feels reluctant. I am scared she will not continue to take support from the professionals, because she has been turning just worse and I know I am not alone enough for her issues. I am also worried of what is this doing to our relationship - we have quite a little intimacy and she just doesn't feel like it. I feel like I don't have space to have any "bad" moments in my days, if I am sad over something, even a bit, she goes ten times worse and it is me who ends up making her feel better. I'm sorry this became so long but I just needed to share this in an objective environment... I am happy to do whatever I can, but I am starting to feel so tired.
Have you tried just outright telling her to stop carrying on? Sometimes the hard approach works better than the comforting sort of thing, because the latter implies they actually DO have it very bad and justify their continued depression. If you can get her to pause and REALLY think about her situation, she'll probably be able to see that her world isn't falling down. She has an absolute rock in you, and that should make her feel safe. From there, she should be able to deal with her parent issues. How often does she talk to you about what she's feeling, rather than just crying and being hysterical? Give her (*hug*) from me. Sometimes no words and a simple touch are all it takes to get through to someone.
Firstly, can I just say you've done great so far what a difficult situation to see someone you care about in. I can appreciate that she doesn't want to see a psychologist but the thing is she has to take responsibility for her own mental health. I don't know if there is a way this could be put across to her? Otherwise it will become a burden upon the relationship. There will come a point where you have to start considering your own needs in all this. You can try and support her as you have been but she needs a specialist. I hope that she will realise this because ultimately you can't help someone who isn't ready to help themselves.
This is the heart of the problem - it's not selfish to need to have a "bad" moment yourself. You should be able to lean on each other - not just her on you (and for that matter, if the crying and the fighting aren't helping, then she's not really leaning on you either). And like you've already suspected, the feelings of being exhausted and fearing to go home and spend a night with your girlfriend will definitely wear you down over time. On the one hand, she's already seeing the mental health nurse, and that's a good thing. I'm guessing you've talked to her recently about seeking outside help, but have you had a recent conversation about continuing to seek counseling after the 6 visits with the nurse are up? Try to hang in there in the mean time. She's seeking help at the moment, which is the important thing, and if she continues to do so, improvement may come, even if slowly.
Depression as you describe just sucks the life out of thOse who are around. It's absolutely horrible. That you're doing as well as you are is amazing Bottom line - you need to protect yourself, and your home life is toxic. Set the boundaries - you must insist she start seeing a psychologist and probably even a psychiatrist regularly or you're moving out. You have to say it and mean it Because you're such a strong person you're enabling her to some extent. If you continue much farther down this road you'll be more emmeshed and stuck in a downward spiraling situation All the best, many hugs
Thank you very much for your kind answers. We talk a lot, so a positive thing is that her crying is not tears only - she does explain and express her feelings and whatever might be upsetting her every time, she just cannot really even see the fact that she would eventually stop crying and start feeling as bad as at the moment. She is a very emotional person, and by that I really mean she goes to extremes sometimes, especially when feeling bad or upset. We did talk about her having further help just yesterday when she had seen the mental health nurse, who also had suggested therapy or psychologist. But my girlfriend seems quite sure that the 6 times she sees the nurse could be enough, but luckily at least this time she did admit that it could be an option.
