So my best friend of 4 years came out to me on the phone a couple of weeks ago. I was not very surprised because in our previous conversations he often brought up the gay topics trying to see my reactions. My gaydar is quite good, so I knew he might not be straight. But being a deep-closeted gay, I always told him that these things are disgusting. And my impression on others is that I am very homophobic .So I don't know how he got such courage to come out to me. Anyways, I was quite happy that he did that and told him it's not big deal and I'm ok with it. I like his personality but I'm not sexually attracted to him, so then I started describing how my future would be like with a perfect wife and many kids. I could hear his voice changing from nervousness to relief then disappointment. I feel so dumb right now. Things have changed between us. Before that, he would call me every two days; now I have to make calls first and initiate the conversations. And the conversations are quite awkward; he never mentions any gay topics now. So I really wonder what I can do to make things go back to normal and let him know that I fully support him despite my previous attitude toward gay people. Thanks.
Why don't you just tell him you're experiencing the same thing? If he hinted he liked you, don't lead him on, but maybe he would feel less alone if you came out to him. Afterall, he can obviously keep secrets since he waited 4 years to tell you...
I don't want to come out to anyone at this point; it would basically ruin my life and my family would disown me for sure. I know he can keep this secret but I just don't feel comfortable.
Try asking him how he got the courage to tell you and maybe you can take note on that, I mean come on he trusted you enough to let you know why can't you do same? But if does make you uncomfortable then wait until you're ready but think about it.
If you aren't comfortable with coming out at this point, then you should NOT tell him it's disgusting. You obviously realize how much that can hurt; you're gay yourself! At least act accepting and loving as a friend. I'm sure you realize it was wrong of you to act like that, but now you need to rectify it. Ask him questions about his coming out process, make it a good point of conversation for you both. Eventually you should come out to him and apologize for acting like anything gay was disgusting, I think.
like what he said and maybe it will fell better to know you and your friend can trust each other. I'm out only to by best friend and once i told he check on to see if all right all the time because that are what friends are for and now were even more closer than before because we have trust. and i know about the family problem my family is anti gay and they will disown me to if i come out but its always good to talk about this stuff with other people. hope this help
I know I did something wrong but I have to do that to cover my sexual orientation; some of my family members and classmates have suspected me of being gay and often made fun of it. I feel so scared. And I did act accepting. I bet he should feel surprised that I did not freak out at all. By the way, he told me that I'm the only one who knows him being gay in the world and he is not going to come out to anybody else until he is able to make a living. So I feel kinda special:icon_wink ---------- Post added 1st Jan 2013 at 09:56 PM ---------- If I choose to come out to him someday, what should I do to let him know that I'm not into him and he better stop crushing on me because it would result in nothing, and yet I still like him as a friend?
I'll be honest, When I read that you said you told other people you thought being gay was disgusting I wrote up a really long paragraph about what a horrible person you are but it has since been deleted. Maybe instead of being so self-loathing you can try to get the message across that you accept him without acting homophobic. You do realize that the general pop. is starting to catch on to the whole "Im homophobic therefor I'm not gay!" act. He probably came out to you because you have stereotypical gay qualities yet you just don't realize it. So next time you call him just say "Hey I know you're gay but ever since you came out I realized that gay people werent so bad after all. I'm cool with it blah blah blah... the only reason I was homophpbic was because I didn't actually know any gay people."
that is a good thing to but also add your my best a nothing will change between us. and with the problem that maybe he likes you just treat like a normal problem just say i'm not interested in you in . but be careful how you say it may come across the wrong way
Since you don't want to come out to anyone yet, I'd say you should talk to him about why he chose to come out to you (as a means to enter a "gay" conversation). Whatever he says, say that you feel special he chose you. If he knows that you've ever publicly talked down about being gay, you should explain that's not how you really feel. There isn't really a way to beat around the bush when it comes to this. The easiest way would probably be to say he isn't your type, or just say you only like him as a friend. Anything short of essentially saying "I'm not into you" will leave some spark of hope that will be quite painful to live with
I'll chime in with my two cents. From what I'm sort of getting is that he likes/liked you and was hoping when he came out you would too. Maybe not though, it's just a possibility. However making homophobic slurs is never cool, even if you are trying to cover up. I'd like to add in something frequently said: those who are the most homophobic, are the ones who are most likely to be gay themselves. Remember that. I understand why things were uncomfortable with you and him though. You were talking about your perfect future wife and kids, while he just sat there and listened and honestly probably got sad because he can't have that..well you can't either. Now some people may disagree with me but I'll say this: maybe even if you came out to him things would be good. He trusted you and maybe if you trusted him with that things could be better. Have a nice night!
Well, I think that, even if you aren't comfortable with coming out, there are ways of being more actively accepting and comfortable. Let's face it, how you reacted was a bit of a mixed bag. Yes, you told him you're OK with it (which is still the most important, so thumbs up on that! ), but then you followed it up with "now let me tell you everything about how straight I am!". Which, even if you were straight, shows kind of a lack of interest and empathy. To put it in another view: if he had mentioned he's short on cash, you wouldn't have told him all about your rich relatives either. That wouldn't have either been helpful or uplifting. This is kind of the same situation. So he's probably left now with a feeling of "he's OK with it, but otherwise he doesn't want to talk about it". Since you're the only one he can talk to about it, that means that he's just shoved into a different closet. And... since you shoved him in there, it's up to you to open the door. Which you can do without immediately coming out. One thing it will take is you bringing it up. If you don't want to talk about yourself, then you don't have to, but keep that conversation focused on him. Tell him "so, I have been thinking about how honoured I am that you trusted me enough to come out to, especially since I could be a bit uptight about the topic. since you told me, there are a couple of questions running through my mind, would you be comfortable talking more about it?" And from there, there's tons of questions you can ask. How did he find out, how long has he known, what does he want to do next, etc... Two upsides to that approach: first you put it back on the table, and position yourself as a friend he can be open to. Secondly, maybe discussing it will make you feel more comfortable with the idea of coming out someday (even if today is not that day yet). See it as getting the "inside scoop" on what it's like to come out. In any case, don't do what I did to my best friend. I was a homophobic prick to him for a couple of years after he came out (he came out at 17, I at 25). Obviously, in the end I came out to him too, and then it all made sense and it's forgiven and forgotten now, but in the end, it was a definite waste of time acting foolish and childish over it. Last, but not least: in case of romantic feelings, the ball is in his camp. I don't believe you have to take any action to preempt him from crushing on you. If you do come out, the accepted new situation is that you're just friends who are out to each other. Keep acting like you always did. If you need to let him down, do it only after he tells you how he feels (or suggests dating or the like).
You asked why he would have chosen you to come out to,basicly a "homophobic dick".Have you ever considered that his gaydar may be equally as good as yours.He must have some sort of suspicion to choose you,it would take great courage to come out to a homophobic friend,especialy so if it was his first outing. I think you should read and re,read Filips post,it is one of the best responces I have seen on ec for a long time. Good luck with this,but you two could be such a great support system for each other if you gave him the respect and trust that he has given to you.You sound to both be totaly closeted,not wanting to be out until your earning etc so you should really think about being honest with him.
People might think you're gay BECAUSE you act homophobic. Have you considered that? I mean, if you were straight and really comfortable with your sexuality, you wouldn't have to rag on the LGBTQ community and you could make jokes about when people say you're gay...
