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My Letter

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Constant, Jan 2, 2013.

  1. Constant

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    Hi there, if you've read my previous post you'll understand a bit about this. Basically trying to move on with my life and can't do that while I'm in love with my best friend. This letter has been so difficult to write (took me 2 days and a lot of tears), I'd appreciate your thoughts on it before I send it.


    [his name]

    You are owed an explanation for why I’ve been acting the way I have been recently. I realise that it is starting to make you think you have done something wrong, when the reality could not be further from the truth.

    The truth is that I’ve been lying to you (and myself) for the past 4 years about my feelings towards you. I don’t just see you as a friend and I love you more than I will probably ever be able to explain. Just writing that last sentence is strange because it makes me feel so many different things; relief that I finally understand what you mean to me; and a sadness that I can’t even begin to describe because I know that me telling you this means losing the person who means the most to me.

    I have been extremely selfish over the past few years because I have suppressed my feelings for you and convinced myself that it was just that we had a particularly close friendship, in order to keep you in my life. Because there is no one else who makes me as happy as you do when I’m with you and I didn’t want to give that up. I didn’t think I deserved to have to give that up. Of course, part of me always knew that you would never feel the same way. I don’t want you to think that you led me on, or that you are somehow responsible because you are not. All you ever did was be my friend and I twisted that into something deeper and more complicated. I couldn’t accept that it was possible for a person to love another person this much and them not feel anything in return, it just didn’t make sense. So I convinced myself that if I just stayed in your life a little longer, eventually you would feel that way for me. But over the past few months I have accepted that the world doesn’t work this way.

    It has got to the point now where I know that as long as I keep you in my life I am never going to be able to have relationship with somebody else. Since I started working I have gone out with a couple of people and I just didn’t care about them because I prefer you over anyone I’ve ever met since I first met you. The reason why at uni, I was never in a relationship with anyone is because I was more attracted to you and prefered being around you, talking to you and playing stupid games with you.

    I also have to tell you all this because it isn’t fair on you. You have such a brilliant life [his name], I see how happy you are in [where he lives] now. You’ve met someone who you obviously love and makes you really happy and soon you’ll finish uni and go to [where he is moving] with her. And while I wish that that person in your life was me, I know now that it never could have been and never will be.

    I know that I could go on pretending to love you as a friend only, the heartbreak I feel when you tell me all the things you’ve been doing with [his gf] etc etc is bearable, but it wouldn’t be fair to myself and more importantly wouldn’t be fair to you.

    And so now I have to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done and give up the thing in this world that makes me the happiest, you and me. I’m sorry I had to do this in a letter, but I would never be strong enough to do it on the phone or in person because whenever I speak to you you always make me laugh, even in our most recent conversation when I knew I was going to have to write this letter.

    I don’t know how you’ll react to this. But in case this is the last time I get a chance to speak to you I just want to tell you that even though I’ve caused myself and now you a lot of pain, I don’t regret a single moment of the last 4 years. Because of you I got to have a friend who made me happier than I’d ever been before and I got to know what it feels like to really love a person. I want you to know that no matter what anyone says to you, there’s nothing you can’t achieve. I hope that, no matter how you are feeling right now, you can look back on us with fond memories because that is what I am going to try to do.

    Love you and I’m sorry

    [my name]
     
  2. shovelman

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    That was touching. I'm sorry you have to go through this, falling in love for another person who you know will never return those feelings has got to be one of the hardest emotional things to do especially if you're gay and the other person isn't but good job in admitting realty to your self even if it's hard to come to terms with it but it's also a sing that you want to start to move on. "Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving" -Unknown good luck :slight_smile: