Drunken, very loud ''coming out'' :(

First off, you're not an idiot. You were a bit drunk, which is fine.

Has your family ever confronted you about your sexuality? Have they ever made any hints to let you know that they are aware of you being gay?

 

It's quite possible they aren't saying anything because they're following your lead. Because you didn't treat it like it was a serious thing at the party or after the fact, they probably think it's something they can shrug off and move on with their lives.

I feel like your best course of action is to just be upfront about it. Find your parents/family/whoever, sit them down, and start with a "Hey, so I know I did some questionable things while drunk yesterday, but I felt it's fair that you know I actually am gay and it wasn't just the alcohol speaking. And yeah, I'm dating Sam."

I mean, I think if it were a massive deal they would have said something about it already, either at the party after you kissed or today after it's all said and done. If they were taking it badly, I'm sure you would have already seriously felt the awkward tension even if they didn't bring it up.

It might not be the most fun conversation you're going to have, but it sounds like they've already grasped the idea somewhat. The longer it goes unsaid, the more awkward it'll feel for you. Might as well do it now, right?

 

Hmm seems to me your family is somewhat open-minded, and realized you're not ready to talk to them about it unless you're drunk, so out of respect they don't. Your dad tried but didn't push when you didn't take the invitation to talk about it.

I'd be tempted to say congrats, you're now out to your family ?

 

Well, you may not identify as gay, but you are in fact in a romantic and sexual relationship with another man and have been for some months now. That doesn't exactly say completely straight to me nor is it something that should really be ignored and swept under the rug. Why do you want your family to ignore your relationship? I would feel pretty bad if I was your boyfriend, like you don't believe the relationship is valid. On another note, your family seems pretty ok with everything and accepting. I don't think they would have any problem with you being something other than straight.

 

This is something I'd do and scared I probably will in the future. I have a few drinks and I don't give a shit who knows that I'm gay, and that scares me. Before my New Years party this year I made a sober promise to myself to keep my mouth shut, but I ended up telling my neighbour which is a lesbian (so I guess it's not all that bad). It got worse, I went with my best friend (a guy) upstairs and said 'give me a kiss!' and my dad was stood right outside the door *cringe*, I guess I just have to deal with it.

When I go out drinking I ALWAYS without fail end up telling somebody that I'm gay and I know one day it's probably going to be my parents - I've even considered stopping drinking because of it.

Just try and relax, if anything it has at least given them some incentive that you're gay. They probably know already and would be really supportive, I mean your dad seemed pretty cool and humoured the situation. When I do things like this it usually takes me a few days to stop cringing and panicking about it.

 

First of all: there is never a need to panic. Yeah, you cracked the closet door there a bit. Some people might buy the "I was drunk" excuse, others might not. But no matter what people believe or think or infer... no one gave you any bad reaction for it. So, what you learned is that people wouldn't mind whether you're gay or straight. In the end, that means less pressure, not more.

Also, your dad DID bring it up. What else was the following than bringing it up?

So, he tried to be candid about it, but the core fact is that he asked. There was a real question there.
And you gave him an answer. Which was (translated): "I don't want to talk about it!". You can't blame a guy for respecting that. If they're otherwise prone to respecting your boundaries, then that was, essentially, the only question you're going to get until it comes up again or you bring it up.

And the same may be true for all of the others. They saw what they saw, but they saw you were drunk and (at least among my friends), it's considered bad form to call people on how they behave when drunk (well, except if they turn violent or the like). They might be assuming that you'll tell them what you want when you want it, and that they shouldn't be nosy in the meantime.

Still, I wouldn't say that's putting you in a bad position. They're probably not thinking you're a full 100% straight anymore, but otherwise accepting and willing to let you del with stuff on your own terms. That gives you freedom and the ball is entirely in your camp.



What you do with that ball is yours to decide, but may I offer two thoughts?

- Think a bit more about how you felt when you were drunk. Liberated. Free to do what you felt. Free to show your affection. All other doubts about what that says about you or what others will think aside... it may be a clue about what you really want.

- So, maybe you don't need to call yourself gay or bisexual or any label at all. Maybe you can be straight and let Sam be your one exception. Identifying with a label is a tool, not a goal. And it should definitely never be an impediment.
Maybe the right answer was "I haven't quite figured out how attraction works for me, and it might be almost exclusively straight in the end, but yeah: Sam and me. No matter how I might feel about other guys, I do like him as more than just a friend".
Then they might think what they want, but at least you're open about things as they stand.


tldr; you're not an idiot. It might not be exactly the situation you expected, but you're in control and you have the initiative. Which is not bad at all.

 

Dude first of all dont be dumb! They know it wasnt a joke! everyone saw it and heard it. The thing is they probably just dont care who your happy with. I had this same problem and thought that being gay was going to be the most controvesal issue in my family, but when i came out to my dad and my brother and best friend they all just accepted it and that was that. There was no real need to bring it up again. A few times my brother has mentioned it and we laugh, or on new years i spilled my guts to my dad about my crush and he was there to give me fatherly advice. I agree with the other guys who said your parents are probably following your lead. The ball is in your court kid, next move is yours!

 

1. Your friends and family are not stupid. They know that something is going on with you and Sam. Something that involves kissing and announcing you're gay and sharing a bed.
2. They appear to be handling it better than you are. Both of your parents are awesome.
3. "So, you and Sam, huh?" might possibly be the coolest dad response ever. Very chill.

I'm sure they aren't bringing it up because it's so blatantly clear that you don't want to talk about it.

You want them to "know" it was a joke. But it wasn't a joke; you are actually in a relationship with Sam. Does Sam like it that you act like your relationship is a joke? I doubt that feels good.

In order to make them believe that it was a joke, you would have to explicitly lie to them. And for what? The truth does not appear to have dire consequences in this case. You openly kissed your boyfriend in front of them, announced that you are gay, and shared a bed with a man all night long, and your parents' response was, "So, you and Sam, huh?" The scary things you think will happen if they know are all in your mind. I can tell, because they know, and none of them happened. If they were going to freak out, they would have. They didn't. Your parents love you, and your relationship with Sam is not going to change that. Lying is unnecessary, and only reinforces your shame.

As is often the case, you are having by far the hardest time of anyone accepting it. You not wanting your parents to know isn't about them--they are fine. It's about you. You are the one who can't accept this about yourself.

You are in a relationship with a man, and you have real feelings for him. By definition, this really means that you are not straight. And it's really okay. It doesn't look like you are going to lose anything because of it. Your friends and family were surprised, but they are apparently all okay with it.

 

No--you kissing a guy and announcing you're gay pretty much clues people in--even if you're drunk. Maybe even especially if you are drunk. Drunk people rarely lie, the truth comes out before they can screen it.

And if he had a problem with it, I don't think he would joke about it like that. Not in that situation.

You feel like they won't be okay with it because YOU are not okay with it.

You can just explain how you feel, and leave it at that. I would probably drop the straight label, and just say that you usually like women, but you happened to fall in love with Sam. People will believe whatever they want to believe--try not to worry about that.

In the situation you're in, you probably don't really have to say anything. Just start referring to Sam as your boyfriend. Why not? They already know. If they have questions, they can ask them, and just answer as honestly as you can.

 

If you truly don't want to bring it up, then I would suggest you become more open about your relationship.

I fully support the notion of wanting to say something and make it clear without having to be the one to say it. It shows that you don't make a huge deal about it, and others will feel more inclined to also not make a big deal out of it, whether they were going to or not.

I'm not sure what measures you have taken before now to hide your sexuality from your family, but you can be more open about it, and they will gradually get the idea, assuming they don't know already (which they probably should know; drunk actions are not lies). If you lie about spending time with him, maybe mention that you are spending time with him a little more. Maybe bring his name up in casual conversations a little more, and they may be inclined to ask if you two really are together.

Give them the opportunity to bring it up. There are obviously other ways to do so, but the above suggestions just come to mind for me, and they are also under the assumption that you are somewhat protective of your sexuality and disclosing it and your relationship.

Don't let this eat away at you.

 

I think this is good advice.

Did Sam find out you lied to your parents about the relationship? If so, how did he feel? Is he out to his parents?

 

This has been by far the best falling out of the closet story ever!

I think you have the coolest parents and as everyone have pointed out, you already came out to them and they seem to be fine with it... trust me they would have cornered you a long time ago if they weren't happy about it.

You are exactly like me, we are the ones with the issues of coming to terms with the fact that we are gay or bi, not really the people around us.

As you've already come out to your family, even though you'd like to think that you didn't, and as you would like them to bring up the subject matter, why not ask your folks if you could invite Sam over for dinner? They already know you two are an item and that would confirm it and maybe push them to ask more questions giving you the chance to explain yourself.

 

I don't know if you're close to your brother or not but why not ask for his help... Besides if you tell them(your parents) as early as possible the sooner they could adjust(like mine they're still adjusting but at least they already know). I know coming out is not easy but don't wait for another moment to come out when an opportunity arises... If you can't do it alone, then find some friends who knows or you could ask for your brother's support...

PS:
And if you think about it you could add your kind off coming out story in the 'funny response when you came out' thread :icon_bigg:icon_bigg:icon_bigg
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/36614-funny-responses-you-got-when-you-came-out.html

 

^Right!!!

I'd say you're looking at this the wrong way... this is AWESOME! If your parents can joke about a topic like this, they're clearly somewhat accepting. It seemed like your dad was giving feelers, but you could've shrugged it off or joked back, like "Hahah... Yep. Me and Sam..." I'm pretty sure they know, and since you said you had other gay couples there kiss and they didn't mind, they seem rather open-minded to me! I wish MY dad had responded like that! (He's accepting but he NEVER makes jokes about it... even though he jokes about just about everything...) Anyway, the way I look at it, you now have your parents approval, or at the very least their acceptance. Good job on your elixir of life!

 

I think your parents won´t have a problem with it, I mean I know if I did any of the stuff you did, even if drunk, my parents would have gone crazy. So I think you´re lucky that your parents are so cool, you should just tell them, for what you wrote they´ll be ok with it

 

Good luck, Justin.
I'm sure you'll be fine