I think I just need to hurry up and admit to myself that I'm gay. (I don't like to use the L word (no pun intended) because of the stigma that's attached to it.) Basically, that's it. I keep having dreams - Not only sexual, but romantic dreams too. I have a lot of 'straight' sex dreams and they're awful, really. I'm not being raped in the dreams, I'm a consenting participant, but I just hate the experience. Exactly the same horrible feeling as when I've had 'straight sex' multiple times in real life - I just don't like it. I'm not so much sexually attracted to males either. I do appreciate a really good looking man, but there's very few.. That's not saying I'm sexually attracted to females, either.] My romantic dreams are another story! They're all about females - and it's wonderful. It's just so fantastic, I wake up so happy and energized - and to an extent - in love! I've had two girlfriends before, and one boyfriend. With the guy it just didn't feel right, I didn't have the feelings there, and everything was forced. Whereas with the girls, it was just right. It felt right. It was good - and when we broke up, I felt the heartbreak. It was just right. I was avoiding seeing the guy, and I felt like I didn't ever want to leave the company of the girls. Okay, basically I'm confirming myself, but I likely need to be screamed at to get it through my thick skull. Well, my subconscious is screaming it at me that's for sure.. But hey, that is what denial is.
It took me a while to accept I was gay. Actually it took me a while before I would even acknowledge to myself or anyone else that I even liked girls at all and even when I did I considered myself bi. I only came out as gay like 2 summers ago. And I also for some reason can't really call myself a lesbian. I just say I'm gay (and even that I sometimes have trouble with. I generally go with "I like girls"). It just takes some time to accept sometimes. So just give yourself so time to get used to the idea.
You can dislike the word lesbian if you like. You can use any term you like. But in your post you don't seem to be in denial, you seem to already no but hesitate to say you are lesbian because of the word. I think it's great that you know who you are. That's the happy excited part of your post for me. Hugs
sounds to me like you know you are gay. i don't like the term "lesbian" either, so i just don't use it.
