So hard; this coming out business...

I want to be done with this already. Why does this drag on so bad? The advice seems so simple and so easy, but it's so much more difficult to come out than "just tell a friend" or "come out to a family member"

I am trying to push forward with how I am going to do this, but I am really discouraged with how slowly this process is going for me and where I'm at. I suppose I am making progress, but I just don't realistically picture how any of it would ever happen.

Here's my updated story these days:


Here is my progress:

I have accepted that I am attracted exclusively to men and not women at all, and that this will never change. I love being a manly man and I love manly men. This has been the easiest thing to accept and the first thing I accepted about a year ago. I mean, I am wildly attracted to men- the way they look, the way they act, their bodies- everything. If there's an attractive man in my presence, it's like the room goes dark, my pupils dilate, my lips turn red, my attention is shattered, my heart throbs and my mind races at the thought of that man. I want everyone in the room to disappear and for him to come over and grab my hands and talk to me. I can't help but steal looks even when I'm around friends or family. I have to look, I have to have that split second fantasy. God, in the bathroom I even find myself straining out of the corners of my eyes at the urinal just to see if I can catch a glimpse of (!) ... ok.. I'll leave it there! But to go along with that, I'll also add that I know that I am definitely not bisexual. Which is important because it sounds like this has been an issue and a confusing thing to sort out for many people. For me, I realized as soon as I was honest with myself that I am not bisexual at all. I guess I feel kind of lucky about that. Women don't do it for me whatsoever. Believe me, I tried and hoped for a long ass time. It just aint gonna happen. It's almost repulsive for me to imagine to the point where I begin to think that if a strait guy cannot fathom the idea of being attracted to another man like I can't fathom being attracted to a woman, I can't really blame them for not understanding right away! It just seems unimaginable, I'm sure in both cases! I can't imagine what it's like to find a female attractive when it's so natural, so automatic and intense for me to find manly men attractive. And so I simply cannot ever seriously contemplate being intimate with a woman. Sorry ladies, but I get nothing! I can appreciate natural beauty in a female, but the idea of comparing the way I feel sexually and emotionally about a male compared to a female is almost laughable. Why? I have no idea.

I have accepted that I cannot be fully happy until I have another man's companionship, and that I want to marry Mr. Right some day and have a family. I want a man to love and to be with and to go to bed with every night together. The only problem is that I have never had any type of relation with a guy except for a very precious few, skimpy instances. All have happened when I have been intoxicated. Once I was drunk with 2 other girl friends and a guy I kind of had a crush on and we all decided to do a 4 way kiss to be funny. During the kiss, I made a point to specifically kiss the guy 1 on 1 and even though it lasted for 2 seconds, during those 2 seconds lightening struck my body (though I was pretty intoxicated.) I wanted to throw the guy on the ground and rip his clothes off and make out with him! On top of that, it's a guy that I've sort of been attracted to and has been a pretty good buddy of mine for some time. Sometimes when we are drunk at wild parties, he will take off his shirt and dance with me and we will sort of joke around while everyone laughs, but for some reason I always got the feeling that he might be interested in me as well. He hasn't really ever done stuff with girls and even had a "drunk story" where he got naked with a gay guy at a party and woke up not knowing what happened and told everyone that the gay guy tried to do stuff with him while he was incoherent. One other time I was also drunk at a party and grabbed a guy's crotch who I knew was openly gay as a sort of joke. I remember I did did it again and it was hard the second time. I asked him why it was hard and he told me that he was gay, and I asked if he liked it and he said, yeah! I then walked away after freaking myself out and continued on. Another guy that was rumored to be bisexual always made awkward advances at me and grabbed and slapped my ass alot and one time he grabbed my crotch at a party and asked if I was going home. I just said yeah and left. It's sad, but that is the extent of my true and blue 1 on 1 encounters with the gender I love. I've done everything with girls just to keep the rumors down and to have a couple stories to tell "the guys", but it either happened with a whole lot of effort, or it stopped in the middle because I literally could not get aroused. Never has it been enjoyable, save for a few drunken make-outs with girls which were always fun.

I have accepted that my life will in the long run be exponentially better if and when I come out of the closet. I'll be honest, truthful and will be extremely proud to have overcome such a a seemingly insurmountable obstacle in my life.

Here are issues that I am still struggling with:

1) I am worried about the death of my current life because there are so many things about it that I am afraid to lose, and the relationships that I have in their current "straight" form are so strong and important to me as they are. I have several very strong, brother-like friendships that I am particularly worried about deteriorating. Some are even roommates that are the most important relationships to me in the world. I know that many say that if they are really my friends, that they won't care and things won't change. I just can't fathom that happening. I mean, for God sakes, if one of them told me they were gay I would be absolutely shocked. Even I would find our relationship changed. It would be this awkward new thing hanging over what was such an easy going, fun-loving "the guys" friendship. A couple of them have even told me that they disagree with homosexuality and that they think it is wrong. It's easy to say that these type of people are not true friends, but these guys are amazingly nice guys. I'm standing up in one of their weddings this summer and we have done so much together and are so close as it stands right now.

2) I have no idea how I am even ever going to begin coming out. The thought of telling "a close friend" just seems unimaginable to me for the reasons stated above. Where would I even start such an earthshaking move? I want to come out. I want to be free, proud and happy. But I can't even begin to make a road map it seems like. It's stresses me out to think about such a huge issue hanging over my life. A New Year passed without change. Another year older, another year of life lost without it's full potential or honesty. Time lost finding a mate, learning how to be intimate while I'm at the prime of my life. So much negativity and a whirlwind of thoughts that getting out of it all just gets lost in other troubling thoughts.

3) I feel like I am surrounded by emotional instability. My parents are very unhappy, sad people who have a terrible marriage and both act dejected and defeated. They don't sleep in the same bed, they sit in different rooms and they snap at each other all the time. They suffer through being unhappy together for whatever reason and put a big patch over it because I think they probably will think that it is the better option. It kills me to think about adding more troubles and problems to them. They are unhappy with each other, they have money issues and my sister does not get along with them either. They paid for my college and have always been really nice to me and I would just feel awful if they took my coming out as yet another problem in their lives. I literally think my mother might die. My sister is unbelievably unstable emotionally. She is overweight, living in my parent's basement, has gone through several destructive and abusive relationships and is very bitter toward my parents. Just very unhappy and bitter. It makes me cringe to think what adding more to that mess will do. It scares me, in fact. And then there's me. I feel like I am somewhat put together, but this year has been pretty rough. I've been unemployed for a while now after college, I've put on a some weight as well which makes me feel really bad. I don't feel attractive, I feel lazy and I can't find a job that I really like. Money is really tight and I worry about paying rent and the other bills. Part of me wants to move somewhere and start over a bit as an honest gay man and gain some confidence.


What would you do if you were me? The only first step I can think of is to get to the gym and get in shape to build up some self esteem and confidence. I feel like I need way more than I have right now.