I wrote this list earlier on tonight regarding me and my requited love interest, Tobi. I really want to be with her BUT why? So I wrote this list in an attempt to figure out where to go from here. Any comments or input you want to throw in is much appreciated... Okay, 25 reasons why Tobi and I shouldn't be together: 1. Shes married 2. Shes 6 years older than me (not that age really concerns me) 3. Shes unemployed 4. Shes trying for a baby 5. She smokes weed 6. She drinks 7. She doesnt settle in one place for long; she keeps moving 8. Her band is her life 9. She has no plan B 10. Shes emotionally dysfunctional 11. Shes not overly social 12. She prefers to stay at home and not go out much 13. Shes bi meaning she may swing back to boys 14. We dont like a lot of the same music 15. She keeps expecting things to happen for her even though she sits on her ass and doesnt make anything happen for herself 16. She may be using me as her 'lesbian experiment' 17. I will have to share her with her husband 18. Im too young to emotionally deal with an open marriage relationship 19. Our goals in life are very different 20. Our beliefs and morals are very different 21. I would love her more than she could love me 22. Her background is kinda fucked up 23. I would be shattered when she leaves the state again to chase after her rockstar dreams 24. I cant do a long distance relationship 25. She would be keeping me from fulfilling MY dreams So thats what I came up with. I also came up with a list of reasons as to why we should be together... 1. Shes the nicest person ever 2. She likes me back 3. We have a lot in common 4. Im attracted to her in every way 5. We are both kinda out there and quirky 6. Shes older and therefore maybe a bit more mature than girls my own age 7. We have chemistry 8. We both love the 80s! Haha 9. Shes not afraid to be herself 10. Shes a good musician 11. I can see us being good friends for the rest of our lives 12. We understand eachother 13. We can both relate to being LGBT Do we sound like just friends? Is it possible to just be friends when both people know they are both really into eachother? I want to be with her but my conscience is screaming at me not to, saying I will get hurt and its a bad idea! Temptation is so hard to resist!!
Those are all very good reasons. It sounds to me that it may be better for you if you stick to being just friends for now though. I get what you're saying, though. If you're in love it can be hard to think rationally. Do you think you could be happy with a married woman who could leave at any time and is trying to have a baby? Anyhow, that's just my two cents. Good luck!
I know the thing causing your problems. It's complicated, inconsistent, confusing, crazy, wonderful, awful, and unique. It's called love. And that's what you two have, whether you like it or not. And God be damned if love can be stopped. If you try not to see each other you'll just be more drawn together. If you keep seeing each other someone's gonna find out and cause problems. But either way you'll be together, right?
So does her husband know about this? Cause well the fact that she's married should be the biggest reason.
Despite the fact that there are almost twice as many reasons that you shouldn't be together, some of those reasons are stronger than the ones that point towards you two getting together. Does that even make sense? :lol: I did see one reason to be together as "she likes me back". Now when I read that I thought "Well there you go. Go for it!". In the end it's your call, but that's a tough one. And I wouldn't necessarily let the age thing get in the way either. I think you could have a meaningful relationship, even if it is short lived. I think I would try it if I felt comfortable (or rather if YOU feel comfortable). Although, I COMPLETELY skipped over the part about her being married! I'd think that would make her off limits. :eusa_naug And to the previous poster, I love your banana signature!
IkeaMonkey: Yes, her husband knows about me and he's apparently fine with it. Tobi talks to him about me a lot and he doesnt really care. He just wants her to be happy. Its an open marriage. But how could he not care?! Im the one threatening his relationship with her! It doesnt make sense!
Other people will like you back. She will not be the only one. This will not work out as a long-term thing. If you are ok with it being a short-term thing, that's up to you. But recognize that you are probably going to get really emotionally involved, and then it's probably not going to be okay with you that she fully intends to stay with her husband and raise their baby. Then you will be in a lot of pain. (Also, bisexuality does not mean she will "swing back to boys." She most likely always likes men, particularly her husband. And she likes women, too.)
If it genuinely is an open marriage then I can see why he wouldn't even view you as a threat to his relationship with her. They have their marriage and she has her relationship with you, providing there's no jealousy and he hasn't agreed to an open marriage just to keep the marriage going then that shouldn't cause too much of an issue. Would she actually leave her husband to be with you, whilst maintaining a marriage in name only, or would she remain married to him and have a relationship with him whilst maintaining a relationship with you? You mentioned the fact she could swing back to men again, so does the prospect of her wanting an open relationship with you concern you? From what you present it sounds like she knows what she wants, and it just so happens that she wants her husband as well as you. It's not really a question of swinging back to men, but that she is attracted to men and women and wants the freedom to have relations with both (or so it seems). I do believe that it's quite possible that providing you're on the same page about what the relationship is (and is not) then there's no harm in getting involved. As it stands, from what is presented in this thread only, I would say proceed with caution as it sounds like you two are in different life stages at the moment. I wouldn't, as I'm ridiculously monogamous and couldn't be with someone who was married, open relationship or not. I know I couldn't stomach it, I'm not open relationship material.
She would stay with her husband and have a relationship with me as well. But i dont know how that would work. At all. And neither does she apparently!
Wow, I'm going to be direct because I have a strong feeling about this. If you don't like what I say, don't feel offended, just toss it aside as not relevant to you. Having been married, known people in open marriages, and being older than you, I think this is very messed up. I think it is rather abusive and selfish of her to involve you in this. She is an adult, you are 17 (and perhaps were even 16 or something when you first got with her). She is in a very adult situation. You are in no way emotionally ready to be serious with her for the long-term, and that is not an insult any means. You just are not ready at 17 to jump into a relationship with a 23 year old and a baby and have an instant family - there is just a lot of difference in those years, I would assume you are not even out of high school yet, and I'm not sure of the rules in Tas but in the US you would be 4 years from even being old enough to drink. Let me hazard a few responses to your "pro" list: >1. Shes the nicest person ever I disagree. She is having an affair with a 17-year-old when she is in the process of trying to have a baby with her husband, that is toying with your heart because an open marriage generally means one has a primary relationship and is only sleeping with others for sex and some level of friendship, and involving a 17 year old for that is not very nice. Your feelings for her seem like they are way beyond what she can give you, and that could have been predicted to happen. If she wanted sex she could have found an adult to have it with instead of a minor. 3. We have a lot in common Really? She's married, 6 years older than you, in a band, bisexual, smokes a lot of pot, is very unstable, is trying to have a baby, and you said your morals are different. Are you sure you have that much in common? 4. Im attracted to her in every way OK, not in every way. Not maybe intellectually, or totally emotionally/morally. But maybe physically. Is she the only person you've ever been attracted to physically that makes her the only possible one for you to invest your time in? 6. Shes older and therefore maybe a bit more mature than girls my own age Nope, she is not mature. You are more mature than her, it is clear from your thoughts, your writing, the things you notice about her, and the list you wrote trying to weigh good vs. bad. She is smoking pot while trying to get pregnant and being very unstable, while sleeping with a 17 year old and who knows who else. She has no job, no prospects, no plan, and no ambition. And she's bringing a baby into that. NOT mature. Additionally, you need to know that "open marriage" is generally a temporary situation. Some couples use it as a trial while they try to fulfill themselves with things outside the marriage, because the marriage isn't enough. Some believe in non-monogamy as a rule. But you need to know, although it can work, rarely does it - especially when you are dealing with people who do not have their lives in control and are only 23 and already married. At that age, they could easily have just been in a committed relationship, there was no real need to get married if the starting intent was to be open, and they had no kids then. But anyway, my point is, you need to be prepared that this is going to blow up. The husband may eventually freak out if he thinks that wife has feelings for you, or for someone else (if she is not monogamous with the husband, you should not expect she will be monogamous with you either). Or perhaps the husband doesn't care because he is having too good a time sleeping with or falling in love with someone else - at which point your lady might flip out and you will get really hurt seeing her get really hurt over him. You are also running the risk that she will use you as the gateway into the lesbian world and then get with somebody closer to her own age when she is certain that she likes sleeping with a woman (despite your transition). There are a lot of very complicated feelings that may come out of this, and you just need to be prepared - for most couples, "open marriage" is what happens a year or two before total implosion. And are you ready for that? What happens if she does choose you, but she wants a baby - are you ready for the instant family? Is that what is best for YOU? The thing that annoys me about this chick is that none of what she is doing is best for YOU. What kind of love is that, if she is all about her and what she wants, but in actuality this relationship is not healthy for you or your future? She is not the only one who will ever like or love you, believe me on that. But she is if she is the only one you put your free time or energy into. You will be missing all the great girls out there who might be much better suited to your values, while you spend all your time hanging out with her and her husband, her and her baby, or her and her band. You may not like the points I'm bringing out, but I say it out of a hope for the best for you. Coming from the adult married side of it, I can see that she is being pretty selfish or at least thoughtless, and REALLY irresponsible. I was married and bi at 23 too, and I would never in a million years have brought a 17 yr old into the mess of our relationship, it just wouldn't have been right. I was woman enough to deal with it on my own before bringing someone young with a whole lot of feelings to put someone into a very unstable situation. Maybe you guys can be friends forever, that might be possible. But I personally think you can do a whole lot better for a romantic partner than sharing her with a grown man and a baby and helping her out with bills for diapers and scoring her weed because she can't make money with her band or meet with her dealer because she's home healing a C-section (and likely because the band doesn't make enough money for a box of diapers anyway). Be honest with yourself, don't let loneliness and a need to be loved make you accept less than you deserve in life.
Thankyou RainbowBright. That was hard to hear but its exactly what i had to hear. And ive been thinking long and hard about this issue for days. So i have decided to discuss this topic with her next time we are in contact and tell her that i just want to be friends. At 17, i dont have anywhere near enough life experience or maturity to deal with this. I would get way to attached to her which would work in a monogomous relationship but not a polygamous one like the one shes trying to drag me into. Im going to college this year where there will undoubtably be a whole new group of girls who are single, unmarried and my age!! I will try a college relationship not an open marriage relationship. I do deserve better. Tobi was trying to get me to skip classes to hang out with her. I realize now that this isnt in my best interest. She may not care about her future, but i sure as hell care aboit mine! To cut the temptation, having a college girlfriend would be a great incentive to go to school! So i guess ive made my choice. I still want us to be friends but we need to sit down and have a long chat about this. Hopefully we come to an agreement.
I'm really glad to hear this, BoiGeorge. You just sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and can do a lot in college, and for many reasons what she is doing isn't nice to you, or helping you at all to achieve your goals. I suspected that she may have encouraged you to do things that affected your schooling, as well as maybe some illegal things, and that is pretty serious because flukes happen and if you got in trouble and the college found out, it could affect your admission. It has happened a lot unfortunately, shortly before matriculating somebody's grades dramatically drop, or they have a post on FB or get pulled over in a car for a minor traffic violation but the car they're in has drugs or something else, and it messes up that person's future. I've seen that happen to people, and it's such a waste when all you have to do is keep it together for another half a year. You will meet TONS of girls in college, and much more likely they will have similar goals, values, and interests to you - especially if you meet them in a class you share! Polygamy may be fine for the people practicing it, but it's not going to be great for anyone outside the marriage unless all they want is a casual encounter. You clearly want much more than that, and have a lot to give someone who is a better fit for you and who can give you the same in return. You deserve that. I'm really glad you have decided to slow it down with this woman. If you can just keep things drama-free for the rest of the school year, soon you will be in a heaven of interesting girls, and also probably a lot of cool classes. Focus on keeping your grades up (maybe even applying for a scholarship), maybe working a job if you have one, and before you know it you will be on to bigger and better things in life! You shouldn't settle just because you have not gotten there yet and want to love someone, it's a normal feeling but you can ride it out.
