My boyfriend told me that he's bisexual?

The very first thing you should realize is that no one except him can figure out which one it is for certain. He may indeed turn out to be gay, but talking about it to him (let alone using it as a "leverage" in an argument or a "fault" to justify the break-up) won't do any good. Unless he wants to talk about this possibility to you, your best strategy is to take him at his word: that is he's bi, and what is happening is mostly nerves and inexperience. Since you're (probably) a bisexual yourself, jusr use the Golden Rule: don't do anything you wouldn't want your lover to do in a similar situation.

Other than that... All right, after having a disastrous sex, a coming out and still being on speaking terms... You can talk about ANYTHING. For instance, about how to make each other comfortable on your next date. Plan it, - the place, the timing, what else you would do, and so on. For example, while his place is his "home territory," it may be not the best place for him to relax if when he's there with you he worries about parents walking in on you, neighbours hearing you two or a million other things... And you wouldn't ever know if you don't just talk sincerely to each other.

One thing that may cause problems is the condom. Some (not many, but some) guys do really have trouble staying hard while putting it on. It's solvable by, well, him practising putting them on, either alone or with you and experimenting with different brands and types, - he may be over-sensitive to some stuff used by this particular manufacturer.

 

I will say this: "sexually attracted to men, but emotionally only to women" is something we hear a lot from guys who turn out to be gay later on. Or at least functionally gay, dating men exclusively.

Since you are also questioning your sexuality, maybe you could support each other through seeing what it's like to date same-sex people.

Make sure he knows that you will still be friends if he does turn out to be gay, or to prefer dating men.

There is something kind of unfair in telling people in your situation, "well, you have to take him at his word," and then telling you later, "well, you are partly responsible for this situation in your non-functioning marriage, because you had some idea he was gay in the first place."

You can keep trying sexually for a while, but if it keeps not working whatever you do, you should probably conclude that he's gay.

Many gay men (and lesbians) think that their interest in same-sex people is just sexual, and that they couldn't really have a relationship with a same-sex person, until they become more comfortable with themselves and accept their feelings. And then they find out that they can have deeply romantic personal bonds with same-sex people after all. So, I think it's probably worth exploring more for both of you.

Your boyfriend has told you that he is more interested in men than women sexually. Most people who feel that way would ultimately be happier in a relationship with a man.

You don't have to instantly break up with him, but I think it's a good idea for you to at least not develop too much into the idea that he's going to be your lifelong mate.

 

I will second both of those comments from personal experience. Almost exactly what I went through. And the process took years so I wouldn't expect for him to figure it out instantly and realize he wants to be in a relationship with a guy right away but I agree with what has been said above.

 

Well, that's true too. Going on with the relationship anyway if it doesn't start to improve real soon is a bad idea for this very reason. What I meant by "taking him at his word" is that telling him "you're probably gay" at the stage and from someone he had sexual problems with will most probably sound like a reproach, however well-meant it was, and would generate nothing but resentment.

If you can't make that "sex" thing work, that's reason enough to end the relationship, whatever the underlying causes.

 

It sounds like a difficult situation, and I hope things work out for you. (*hug*)

I think you should give him a chance, because love is a wonderful thing. We’re all different, and if it’s nervousness, maybe he can get over it. However, as a bi guy, I must say that being bi has never affected my ability to ‘perform’ with girls – even the first time, when I was very nervous. If anything, I have to work at not getting aroused around girls I like. Being bi just means I’m also aroused by guys I like, and they’ve always been straight or in the closet, so such arousal is unwanted. Neither is fun to deal with, but they are different things.

 

Same here. Used this excuse for a long time! Many gay men can perform for women. Erection does not always indicate sexual preference. You can be aroused by many things. I was able to be aroused by being relaxed and grinding with a girl. Sometimes I did fantasize about guys. Looking at a girl alone COULD NOT make me horny or turned on :icon_sad:. Anyways, I would recommend that you be cautious, try things out. He could be bisexual. But he could also be gay. Just approach this very cautiously.

 

Hi, I am in a similar spot. I am 23 so not much older. I have a girlfriend whom I love, love alot. We started off having really good fun sex, I was aroused by it and had no erection issues. However, not long into our relationship I started having...issues. I know I'm also sexually attracted to males but more attracted to my girlfriend....super sad, because I saw the posts above. Anyways, I don't want to keep my girl in a potentially unsatisfactory sexual relationship. It's awesome he was straight up with you, that says so much about how he feels for you. I have opened up to my girl too. Its very emotional, it is hard to be vulverable, especially as a guy and with a woman. Keep trudging!

 

Oh wow, this was definitely my situation about 5-6 months ago. Until recently I said the exact same thing: sexually attracted to men, emotionally attracted to women. But like Ianthe said, I slowly started to come to the realization that it can work both sexually AND emotionally with a guy as long as I was willing to break boundaries and explore new ground in my mind.

For a while I have identified myself as bisexual as well, and still do, only much more attracted to members of the same sex,for the most part. There was however a close friend (female) whom I was very much attracted to. I even tried to make a relationship with her work but it eventually just faded back to a friendship (I never told her I was bisexual).

My point is, I was the exact same way as your boyfriend. I had to make that realization that I was far happier with guys than I was with girls (and if that makes me more gay than bisexual then so be it). I agree and think that eventually he will only be happy in a relationship with a guy. I do think that you two should stay somewhat close as he tries to figure things out. Your support (and especially your coming out as bisexual) I think will help him come to terms a lot. But in the end I think it will end the same way: you just can't be anything more than friends because you are just on different levels, sexually.

I know how confusing this situation is but things will work out for the best in the end. I think you are a great girl for being so concerned for him and understanding of what he is going through. He's lucky to have a girl like you in his life, no matter what the circumstances are! Best of luck!

 

Welcome to EC and I'm glad you found us; it's a great place. Two things I'll mention. Please know that him not staying hard isn't about your looks. Everyone is attracted to different characteristics and people. Let's say he isn't that into you, but I'll bet other guys/girls are and will be so just know that.

Second thing, at your age, you probably haven't thought much about having a relationship with people of the same gender so yea, at this point it would be hard to imagine dating the same gender. That's not something most of us are raised to expect for ourselves. We're raised with the expectation that we'll be into the opposite gender so it takes time to get over that fairy tale if we, in fact, turn out to be gay.

I hope you'll be patient and kind to this guy no matter how things turn out and I hope he'll treat you the same way. Take care

 

I'm confused how that makes you bisexual. I said the same thing, called myself "bisexual" but knew deep down I was not sexually attracted to girls. Were you the same way? Like did you fall for girl's personalities and felt emotionally attracted them, but not sexually?