As 2013 just started, I'm a little fearful of what the year might bring me. I write in a journal to vent my frustration with myself. I write my thoughts, hopes, and things that are so dark I can't even explain. I'm still in the closet and I haven't come to terms with my sexuality either. I don't love myself and I feel no one loves me. I fear I'll never get a boyfriend and I fear I'll never be able to bring a boyfriend home to my parents that they'll like. I mean, they aren't crazy religious, but they aren't even taking a guess I'm gay. They keep saying stuff like: "Well, someday you'll meet the girl of your dreams. Pick a good one with a heart" or "Girls will be all over you when they see you". It scares me when they say things like that because it makes me think of all the negative things they could say when I come out. I also feel alone, in a pit of darkness and can't get out. I haven't smiled in awhile, because I'm afraid. I know I have 2 gay friends who are in a group with me at school, but I just don't feel the support. I feel like I'll never feel right in this world. What is my purpose? Why God? Why have you made me this way? Am I meant to be this way? Even though many have told me it'll get better, I still feel isolated in this harsh, cold world. And what if someone gets an idea that I'm gay and outs me? That would be so humiliating. I can never let anyone find out I'm not straight...never... So alone...
Hi there, and welcome to EC! I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. It IS hard. No question. It is NOT easy to be gay. Especially highschool - where it isn't easy to be different in any way whatsoever! But you're not going to be 16 forever. You're not going to be in highschool forever. You're not going to worry as much about what your parents think forever. SO MUCH of your life is still to be defined and most of what you have today will change over the next few years - school, friends, interests... almost everything. So things that don't seem to 'fit' now will pass and new things that do 'fit' will become a part of your life. Finding a purpose and a reason for things is difficult - so try not to burden yourself with trying to find those kinds of answers. The fact that your parents are being encouraging with respect to dating probably has nothing to do with your orientation. They want you to be happy, and if you're unhappy they might think it's because you don't have a girlfriend. They might say EXACTLY the same kind of things about boys if they knew your were gay, because they'd be true: "Well, someday you'll meet the boy of your dreams. Pick a good one with a heart" or "Guys will be all over you when you come out" We all think our parents will react badly, and if you read enough of the stories here you'll find that they don't react nearly as badly as we expect. So while you're dreading the worst, the reality will likely be MUCH better. And if you've got gay friends already, what is it that you're fearful of if someone were to find out that YOU were gay? Are they being bullied or harassed at school? If so, whether you're out or not, you should be supporting them - if you feel nobody else does. And if you were to come out, wouldn't they at least be supportive? What would you want them to say to you - and whether or not you come out or not, that's what you should say to them the next chance you get. You have lots of time to figure out when the right time is to come out. But to say you'll NEVER come out condemns yourself to a lifetime of living in the closet, not allowing yourself to be happy like everyone else. And it's self imposed. You'd be doing it to yourself. So while you might not be ready now, don't assume you'll never be ready. Just allow yourself time. Again - welcome to EC! I'm glad you found this site. Hang out hear and you'll be amazed at how quickly you can get over some of your fears and misconceptions and start to feel better about yourself. Good luck!
Hey, thanks...hearing that brings a little weight off my shoulder. I'm happy to hear others comments that lift the spirit a little. I do think my parents would be OK with me being gay, but I know there will be changes. There might be distance between us, and they might treat me differently, too, and I know they'll at some point get used to the idea I'm sexually attracted to guys. I'm considering putting my coming out off 'till I accept myself first. I'm hoping I'll come to love myself again.
Well, as my out status says, I'm out to pretty much everyone I have any regular contact with and even then, my mother and father for example still mention girlfriends to me (although they've begun to stop mentioning the idea of love altogether...) so I wouldn't worry about that, they may start saying 'man of your dreams', they may keep saying the same thing - I wouldn't take it too seriously unless you get annoyed about it (after you come out, if you do of course). It's always a good Idea to accept yourself first before anything else. What is it exactly that you're struggling with, if you don't mind sharing! As for you thinking you thinking your parents wouldn't be ok with it, I was the same and I would advise trying to passively gauge their opinions on the subject, maybe making up a story about someone gay at school who just came out to you (fictitious or not ;P ) and so forth. Other than that, I have to agree with Jim here. I wish you all the best with your endeavours!
I'm just struggling with the idea of coming out in general. I have no clue what my parent's response will be, nor do I know if they'll kick me out or something. I also am struggling with the idea of not being accepted by anyone. Even myself. I just feel so alone and vulnerable. What will the rest of my life bring me? I'm worried of what the future for me will be. Things will be different when I come out and I'm afraid that difference might make my life hard to live with. By that I mean, like, getting used to the change or such.
Hey, and welcome to EC. I think you will find this to be a wonderful place where you can ask about anything. Jim1454 had some excellent advise and perspective on your situation. When you in the closet it is easy to lose your perspective and get caught up in the "why me" thinking. As far as why god makes some of us gay (and I really do believe we are born this way), who knows. I think it is just something we have to come to terms with and accept. I don't believe anyone will every know why. I too have felt very alone and scared. As I have explored what it means for me to be gay (thru reading, websites, and especially here at EC) I have come to see that there is a huge community of supportive and caring people out there, LGBTQ and straight. I can actually see a place for me in this community living a productive meaningful life surrounded by these wonderful people. Even thou I am not really out yet myself, I know several gay people who are completely out, and they are doing just fine. I hope to join them soon. So, is being gay easy. No, it certainly isn't. Don't be too hard on yourself. There is a lot to think about. But, I think you will see that there is a place for you as well. Keep posting here, we are all on your side.
Your out status says you are out to some people and I would exploit that and confide in those people, if you can. Help like that is great. It's good to here you don't have a 'problem' with you being gay, more the idea of coming out and I think 99% of the LGBT community can appreciate that, we're all concerned/scared about how others, especialy those closest to us, are going to react - I know I was. Acceptance is what a lot of people, not just LGBT, strive for and I think that's fair enough, I want to be accepted and feel part of something too. "I also am struggling with the idea of not being accepted by anyone. Even myself." - That last part is easy! Just say "Yeah, I'm gay, that's that." or something along those lines. It's not something that is easy but you've just got to come to terms with it. You need not feel alone and certainly not vulnerable for a number of reasons. For the loneliness - You have us! and also the few people you have come out to (assuming they're cool with it). The people you haven't come out to will still give you support if you say you're having problems with any aspect of your life even if you don't say what the problem is, "I'm just feeling -emotion- and I need a hug" etc. For Vulnerable : Other than the people you've come out to; no one knows and although you may wish for people to know, one could advise taking solice in this and a feeling of security! If no 'else' knows, then perhaps you could relax a bit! Only you can postulate what life could bring you but you musn't keep the outlook negative, think about what good could come and good scenarios, as well as the bad! This may account as to why you're worried about the future As for the changes? They may well be good changes, try not to think it will be so terrible Wish you all the best! :icon_wink
You will be the hardest person you'll ever come out to, trust me on that, and I'm sure most people here will agree. Self-acceptance is pretty much the most difficult part of coming out. But once you are there, it feels great. (*hug*)
