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This time... it's more than just a matter of coming out.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MtnFr3sh, Jan 4, 2013.

  1. MtnFr3sh

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    :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help:
    It took me about an hour to write this so please help me and read it. I am in despirate, and I mean despirate need of advice!

    I'll start off with a brief summary and then dive straight into it and describe everything as much as I can...
    I feel like I can't do anything right sometimes
    I feel that there is only one person that cares about me...
    I'm scared that if my mom finds everything out, I'll loose that one person.

    My mother is a bitch, it seems like she doesn't care about my feelings. She forced my hand and I came out to her, only halfway, as bi because I thought it wouldn't hurt her as much, with her reaction I lied and made up an excuse that I was just confused. Everything she said to me that day.... It still hurts... She basically called me a slut and said she wouldn't let me get my driver's license because "I would just adrive around to pick up guys." Thankfully I was able to repress most of what she said. She said she was going to take away my bedroom door and computer and other stuff. She appoligized countless times after, but, what she said left scars that will never heal. She lost every ounce of respect and trust I had for her.

    I feel like I can't do anything right because, well, it seems like I can't, I mess up little things over and over, I don't know why I can't get better, I just can't. And to make matters worse, my bitch of a mother gets agrivated at me. And she yells at me if I forget to do something she asks ne to do, sometimes I actually breakdown and start crying in front of her, I get only responses from her along these lines. "Quit whining!" and her personal favorite "You're just crying on purpose to make me feel bad so quit it!" I need to learn to just quit crying and hold in my feelings better.

    I worry WAY to much, I always always always imagine the worst possible scenario. when I say worst I mean the WORST. like to the point where it might end in somebody dying. The thing is, I have little to no control over this when I start. It's so real inside my head that I start crying as if it has actually happened.

    There is one, only one person, that cares about me, and loves me, my boyfriend, recently we got engaged :grin: I never thought I would get engaged at 15! I know people will say it's bad, but, I met him online... We talk constantly, both on chat, and on skype, he is the only person I care about, our relationship goes much deeper than just common interests. He actually cares about my safety and well-being. But there's a problem, he lives in England. He is going to move here after he finnishes college, and we have a plan, we've done research and he can get here on a "cohabitating partners" visa, or something along those lines. He is the only person I love, and judging from everything that has happened, if my mom found out. I could loose the only person who loves me and cares about me. I can't describe him enough, I could type forever about how he's the best person ever, but I want to post this to get advice ASAP.

    My mom is super paranoid, I am ashamed to type this on here, but... I masturbate... often... and on my laptop in my room. My mom walks in my room practically unnanounced with just a slight knock. Then she sees me scrambling to close my computer windows and pull up my pants. She thinks that I am taking pictures of myself and sending them out online, or that I am having skype sex....
    The reason she is paranoid... Is because... I am super ashamed and embarrased to type this on here, but to get the advice I need I need to include this. I did do that stuff a few times... and my mother found out about it... But when she found out I had already stopped doing it because. I felt so ashamed. My mother recently scared the crap out of me by saying that she has a keystroke tracker on my computer. But she really doesn't. I know she doesn't because of two reasons, my antivirus prtects against those, and she admitted to me that she lied the next day :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    My mom wants me to go to a therapist becase she even thinks I'm to depressed, she wants me to go to a therapist or a psycologist or something. I'm afraid to tell whoever I see anything about me being gay, because I'm not sure if whoever I'll be seeing will see things on my level and end up telling my mom everything. Living with my father is not an option because of divorce, he was a drug user and dealer, and he's been married more times than I care to remember. One of my "Worst Case Scenario" episodes took it to where I ended up being put in a foster home and forbid from talking to anybody from my past... This would include my fiance.

    If my mom were to find out that I really am gay, let alone that I'm engaged to somebody I met online, even though he is the only person I care about (I have never done what I did.... before... with him.) My mom will probably think that I was doing that without even listening to me. And take my amazing, loving, caring, and absolutly adorable fiance away from me! Right now, I only care about keeping the person I am going to be married to.

    :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help: :help:
     
    #1 MtnFr3sh, Jan 4, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2013
  2. MtnFr3sh

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    Please don't judge me about what I did... It is so embarrassing... I am ashamed enough as it is, all I want right now is help, I'm begging you, if you have words of advice that aren't judgemental please please please help!
     
  3. josh9623

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    first off don't be ashamed, i don't think anyone on here would judge you, that's not what this site is for.

    And i know how bad it feels to think that nobody would love the real you if they knew who you are, but just remember that you can get through it, and you will.

    As for your mom try to see what she's seeing, this may not be what you want to hear but realize that she may feel like something has been taken from her, or that as you say she may think you are confused, which she may have thought even if you came out to her completely and without doubt (my parents think i'm too young to know for sure about such things),

    also ask your therapist about what they will keep confidential

    And finally with your fiance, if he doesn't know about your situation it might help to tell him about it, if he truly loves you he will at least be understanding

    I am glad that you decided to post even though you seem uncomfortable. (*hug*)
     
  4. PeteNJ

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    You are in a tough spot, I'm so sorry. Great that you're posting here -- I'll send a big hug your way, others will too.

    To me it sounds like your mother has issues, plain and simple. Not sure what -- alcohol, drug, mental health. Or she's just freaking scared. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that. All that you can do is keep yourself well.

    I will say, though, that as a teen, you deserve privacy in your room. Is there a lock on your door that you can use? But don't just lock it -- and have your mother go nuts, you need to talk about that with her. Tell her your old enough now you need privacy. You'll knock your door, and when she knocks -- you'll let her know when you'll talk with her. Or something along those lines. Assure her you're not doing drugs, alcohol, etc. in your room.

    I'm happy for you that you have a guy that you're close to, who loves you. (and now I'm wearing my old guy/ Dad hat) -- you have to have more people to talk to about what you're going through than boyfriend.

    Is there a gay straight alliance or lgbt group at your school or nearby? Take a deep breath, plan to go to the next meeting you can. You need a lot of support from other people who are dealing with the things going on in your life. You are not the only one!!

    You'll find others dealing with crazy family, sexuality, boyfriends/relationships, fear of losing them, coming out, and more stuff.

    Seeing a counselor -- to me, and I've been a couple of times in my life, has always been helpful. Having somebody who is independent of all the stuff that's in front of me helps to work on things clearly, sort things out, figure out priorities, how to cope.

    Does your family have health insurance? If so,find out which one, get the info, and look up mental health services on the insurance web site -- and find yourself an lgbt friendly counselor. You can also google different counselors to learn more about them. I'll be blunt -- don't go to a "Christian" counselor or someone at your church. Some of them might be open to you being gay, others not. Be proactive and your mother might be surprised.

    Your conversations with your counselor are private. The only time s/he can break confidentiality is if there is a threat to your safety or someone elses safety.

    Keep posting. See what others here have to say. Let us know what you think and feel.
     
  5. Niqk

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    I'm going to be skeptical here, have you ever actually met this person? Face to face? Not talking about skype.
     
  6. skiff

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    Hi,

    You are going to hate this advice...

    The male brain is not up and running both physiologically and emotionally with basic adult experience until the mid 20's.

    At 15 years of age you still have lots of physiological and emotional gear changes to run through until you land on your adult feet.

    Yup, the problems look insurmountable at 15 but at 25 you will see things very differently.

    Nobody can give you now what only time and experience will teach you. You may hear or read the words but with limited life experience, and none as an adult with autonomy you cannot truly understand them.

    Don't rush your life is the best advice I can give.

    Stuck

    ---------- Post added 4th Jan 2013 at 08:23 AM ----------

    Hi

    Don't feel bad about your emotions regarding your mother, many people have poor relationships with parents.

    My whole life my mother has been a passive/aggressive/negator. I wish she was supportive, encouraging and available but that ain't her.

    It is ok to have issues with family members. It does not mean either of you are bad, just different people.

    Stuck
     
  7. MtnFr3sh

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    How could I when he lives on the other side of the world? He once told me that he could come and visitt next summer but I told him that it was a bad idea because I definatly couldn't get away from my bitch of a mother for two reasons, my mom would ask me where I was going, and I don't have a driver's license to get across town to the nearest hotel. I wish I could see him, but, I told him that the chances of us actuay being able to see eachother were slim, I also didn't want him to waste money on coming if the chances of actually seeing him were so small.

    ---------- Post added 4th Jan 2013 at 01:38 PM ----------

    There is not one. I've looked, the nearest one is in Denton, and that's about 30 miles away. So, I am kind of alone.

    My doesn't want to give me privacy because of the incident she found out about that I would rather not type again....

    ---------- Post added 4th Jan 2013 at 01:43 PM ----------

    Thank you, and it was tough to summon up the mental strength to esentially relive everything by typing it all out. And yes, my fiance does know. But not quite to the degree of knowing just how worried I am. But he does have a pretty good idea, I don't want him to worry about me to much. He has offered to talk to my mom if that would help... He does that everytime I vent to him. I tell him no every time.
     
  8. PatyR

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    I think your mom is hurt by what happened with your father and doesn't want to be left alone again, don't take it so bad. It seems that she's emotionally inestable. There's no accurate advice to this but I think you should be patient for now, try to ignore her hurtful words, in the end you know they're not true, right? I also think that she's worried about you in her own unique way.

    I know what it feels yo feel hate towards a parent, but don't take it to heart, otherwise it will really hurt you... even more than the situation itself. Just try to do something else, like hanging out with friends or find a hobby. Also, try to see the good side of the things! If you stay negative, then life will never seem to be better.

    Other thing, you may be experiencing changes because of your age and in that way the weight feels heavier. But you're not alone, you have a wonderful boyfriend and I guess you have friends! Focus in the good things you have and in the good things you can accomplish!

    Don't try to jump to the other side of the canyon, you'll fall. Make an effort to walk trough it and enjoy the view (lol; I didn't know how to put it into words)

    Also, don't be ashamed of masturbation! It's a pretty natural thing! Check this section: Empty Closets - Masturbation Even if your mom makes it look like something evil, it is certainly not. The only problem is the lack of privacy, so try to do it in the bathroom or in a place where you feel safe. It's a healthy way to find some release and get to know you own body.
     
  9. MtnFr3sh

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    How could I when he lives on the other side of the world? He once told me that he could come and visitt next summer but I told him that it was a bad idea because I definatly couldn't get away from my bitch of a mother for two reasons, my mom would ask me where I was going, and I don't have a driver's license to get across town to the nearest hotel. I wish I could see him, but, I told him that the chances of us actuay being able to see eachother were slim, I also didn't want him to waste money on coming if the chances of actually seeing him were so small.

    ---------- Post added 5th Jan 2013 at 04:13 PM ----------

    There is not one. I've looked, the nearest one is in Denton, and that's about 30 miles away. So, I am kind of alone.

    My mom doesn't want to give me privacy because of the incident she found out about that I would rather not type again....

    ---------- Post added 5th Jan 2013 at 04:14 PM ----------

    Thank you, and it was tough to summon up the mental strength to esentially relive everything by typing it all out. And yes, my fiance does know. But not quite to the degree of knowing just how worried I am. But he does have a pretty good idea, I don't want him to worry about me to much. He has offered to talk to my mom if that would help... He does that everytime I vent to him. I tell him no every time.
     
  10. Steelers91

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    Well I can't sugar coat it for you; being a teen sucks, being a gay teen really sucks, and being a gay teen in rural Texas really really sucks.

    When I was a teen I never had a boyfriend or any type of gay support system and there where many of times when I felt depressed and lonely. As I got older and went to college things got better, a lot better, though I know that may not help you now, it’s true.

    Is your mom a bitch? Yay probably, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you, she's just confused or misguided and being a bitch about it.

    All I can say is don't let the stress of your teen years bring you down. Make friends, DO WELL IN SCHOOL!, enjoy your teen years the best you can and put less emphasis on the romantic relationship aspect until your safely out of high school.

    Most of all never ever feel ashamed or embarrassed to post something that is bothering you on EC. There are some pretty awesome people on this website that are more than willing to help or even just listen to any problem you might be having.

    All the best bro!
     
  11. pandas

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    This guy said everything and I am quoting it because I don't think you really heard him. I think you read it and discredited it the same way I would have when I was 15, just like you're already discrediting me for quoting him.

    I wholeheartedly agree with everything he so eloquently said, and the only thing I have to add to it is that you ARE going to meet other people in your life that will support you. I am glad that your current friend from England is there to support you, but make sure to focus on yourself first...setting goals, meeting more people, or starting a new hobby/interest are all great ways to improve yourself.

    That being said, not a lot of mothers want their kids dating at all at age 15. Try to understand that no matter how crazy your mom is, she is having to deal with you growing up too!

    15 is really not a fun age when your parents are not empathetic and it's hard for you to make friends (trust me I know). Your circle of friends will drastically change every year for the next 20 years, keep that in mind. If you decide to go to college all I can say is that there will be an endless sea of gay men there willing to support you and to share their experiences with you. It sucks but it's worth the wait.

    Your mother clearly has issues, but you are level headed enough to know what she says is unfair. You are strong and I believe in you!