Hey Yall, the three words above describe me pretty well. I am dealing with something many folks have dealt with but of course I feel like im the only one. I just want to share some of my situation, maybe someone can offer some advice, or assurance. I am 23yo, and I've always identified as straight. I have struggled with all kinds of painful Shit in my life, but I feel stronger than ever. I have been in a relationship with a girl for nearly two years and it is my first real relationship in my life. We are so compatible, I honestly love this person to death and love is not a word I use lightly. I doubted its existence for most my life. We live together, we are a great team, we help each other and enjoy spending our days together. We are both recoverying from addictions and we have such a good connection, I believe God put her in my life for a real purpose. I believe she is my female soulmate. Sounds great, well hear it is... So I am "straight", that's my current label. Truth is I've been obsessed with my orientation lately, questioning. I'm sure you can relate if your reading this. I amays assumed I was straight, grew up liking girls, a.d friends with boys. Just knew I would marry, kids, all that. When I met my girl, I assumed she was the one. She will be such an awesome mom, and I figure I'd be a good dad. I would make sure I didn't put my kids through what i endured growing up. We dream of our lives together, travel, sobriety, growth, and everything beautiful. I am slowly realizing this is probably not destiny. I have always lived in the straight world, never had a problem with gay folks just could not identify. I couldnt imagine making out with males, wearing pink shorts and glitter....I know, the stereotypes! Truth is I've always had gay sexual fantasies, I convinced myself they meant nothing, they didn't count. One reason I think I brushed the idea off is because I only look at older, straight men. I figured I had some daddy issue that was bringing it on. It was strictly a sexual fantasy, besides how could I have a relationship with a man that old, and also "we are both straight" as in we have female partners. It's like the ideal male sex partner to me is a " straight, married, 50 yo closest case"! What is wrong with me? It would be different if I lusted over hot young dudes with 6 packs but I don't. I feel totally hetero around guys my age, no sexual feeling just platonic. I'm only into the whole straight, 50 yo closest case. No emotions, no intimacy, no love, no kissing, just getting off. That is my idea of an ideal same sex thing. I feel like that is so sick! Anyways, I have tried to make that fantasy happen. But it is never right, it plays off different that my mind. I feel awkward about it, uncomfortable, and just want to get the hell out. I swear to never do it again, strange thing is... I keep getting close to doing it again. So here I am, with a girl who loves me and I claim to love, and I get off to that sad, lonely fantasy. I see myself becoming that "straight, 50yo closet case hooking up with no emotion, intimacy, kissing or love". Then going home to the wife. I have decided I won't do that to my girl. I have not done it since we've been together, but its been barely two years. I know ill do it again, seek out that straight, 50yo closet case again, then swear never again. The sad thing is, my girl knows of those curiosities/desires that I try so hard to avoid. I swore I didn't want to act on it and I wasn't lying. I do not want to do those things, but I know I will. Despite the consequences, and the low feelings I know its only a matter of time. The hard part is, I'm being honest now and acknowledging my situation. It sucks, I wish it were different but its not. I think the best thing I can do is break up with her, I can't keep planning a life with her when I know what i will put her through. I could not live with myself hurting her that way. I have read the forums about women who have had there lives ruined by people like me. People who are "straight" have the wife, kids, mortgage but hook up for NSA sex with men but claim to be straight. I can barely touch my girl now, I experienced ED and now have performance anxiety. That hasnt happened with those "straight" closet cases. I'm sick, scared, but I am not going to Fuck up people's lives. If I Fuck up my life so be it. I do not want a relationship with a man, don't want to kiss men, hold hands or any of that. But I know I'm not a true hetero, and I'm not gonna inflict the pain of having a "closet case" husband on my girl. I need help.
Hi there, and welcome to EC. The fact that you're just 23 and recognizing this about yourself is great. It might seem pretty shitty, but it's actually a good thing. Not all of us (me included) had that kind of insight at 23, or the honesty to address the situation the way you are looking to address it. I tend to agree with you that if you're finding yourself fantasizing about sex with other men, and you're convinced that you're going to want to do it again, then that's likely to happen at some point. And it's best that your partner knows that. It might not mean that your relationship needs to end, although that's quite likely. But see what she has to say about it... Have you considered counselling - so that you can talk to someone about this in person and in a safe and constructive way? Having a therapist would also be helpful in figuring out what to tell your girlfriend, and how. Where I will encourage you to keep an open mind is around how you think your feelings and attractions might evolve. Because my experience was similar to yours. At first I only fantasized about sex with other men, and then when I started to act out those fantasies it was strictly about the sex. No thought of relationship or emotions. (Although I did eventually find that I enjoyed kissing other men as part of the sex - still not contemplating a relationship.) How could I consider an emotional attachment? I was with a woman. I had to be straight. But later on I allowed myself to open up to the possability of a relationship, and it didn't seem like a really bad idea. And eventually I did meet someone, and developed feelings for them, and 5 years later we're happily married and totally in love with each other. So your attitudes might change. You're not necessarily 'doomed' to just having anonymous sex with 50 year old closet cases. And you aren't destined to be one either. That's totally up to you.
