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Stop Staring At Me!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BoiGeorge, Jan 5, 2013.

  1. BoiGeorge

    BoiGeorge Guest

    Being transgender, I've found that whenever I go out, people always stare at me trying to work out if I'm a girl or a boy. I hate the attention! I feel like a bug under a microscope! I'm a person, not a gender! Why do people have to see my gender before they see me?! People stop, stare and giggle as I walk past. Just this afternoon I heard to guys saying to eachother "was that a dude or a chick?!" I feel like a spectacle even though I'm just being myself. Have any other trans people experienced this unwanted attention?
     
  2. FunnyMonkey

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    I know I have done this, but it's not in a bad way I'm trying to figure it you are a boy or a girl, because I find them an attractive person. I don't stare like an animal at the zoo but I do take a quick look. And I do not say "was that a dude or a chick" and if I'm with someone who ask me I just why does it really matter they?
     
  3. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    First, do not view people as people first off. First and foremost we are animals with 5-7 million years of evolutionary programming instinctually wired into us.

    Instinct over runs logic.

    When an animal sees something new or different it HAS TO run a threat assessment, it is wired that way. Based on the animals oxytocin metabolism it will respond;

    ===
    Oxytocin modulates the racial bias in neural responses to others’ suffering
    ScienceDirect.com - Biological Psychology - Oxytocin modulates the racial bias in neural responses to others? suffering
    ===

    On many levels people are plug and play. They cannot ignore their base animal programming. Darwin would label it "survival of species". The animal that does not evaluate new situations often got eaten.

    Logic can override this this initial instinct but it is a secondary process.

    Look at Adam Lanza in Sandy Hook where the inverse occurred, a threat was ignored due societal pressure by many in key familial positions.

    It is a sine wave that cuts both ways with most people falling into the median, but a sine wave has an apex and nadir too.

    In short our animal brains are wired that way and the animal brain is always running threat assessments. You are something rare and new and people (in general) are forced to asses.

    I suspect this is why closeted gays are closeted, they want to bypass societal threat assessment. We all know how society has dealt with "different" throughout history.

    All due to animal based oxytocin metabolism base programming.

    Just my opinion, your mileage may vary (smile)

    Don't judge people too harshly.

    Stuck
     
  4. iBlakexo

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    I know that feeling bro! I'm not transgender but being androgynous I get my fair share of looks and giggles, usually teenagers who mutter things like "That guy was wearing nail polish!" or "He does realize those are girl shoes right?" I really don't understand why it's such a big deal. Me looking fabulous does not affect anyone else's general health or well being :bang: I guess it's just best to stay optimistic and know that you are beautiful inside and out (*hug*)
     
  5. nyx

    nyx
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    Haha, I love this! :icon_bigg
     
  6. Deaf Not Blind

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    i have not had it like that, they asked me if i was a man or woman to my face, not giggling just wanted to know.

    i HAVE experienced them giggling about a guy in my class who looks so feminine and acts female, they ask ME which he is. I recently texted him and he told me that he too thinks he is maybe transgender...I came out to him in private once. So I hope to kinda protect HER from any men who think it is bad to be "girly boy"...funny cuz same men are fine with me being a guy.
     
  7. Gekko

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    I agree with what Stuck said. People stare to what is strange to them, even if it is another person. But you can try looking at the bright side, some of the people who stare might admire you simply for being who you are and not trying to hide yourself, and you might also give hope to other transgender people.
     
  8. Eatthechildren

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    It really sucks that people are using your appearance as an excuse to dehumanise you :frowning2:
    But at least you don't immediately come off as female :slight_smile: When I try to present as male I don't even come close >.<
     
  9. afterthefact

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    I loved the mentioning of oxitocin, really just made my day. However I also believe in 50/50 on bio-genetic/societal influence (nature/nurture in other words). And unfortunately or fortunately (this also depends on the situation) the animal instincts win most of the time.

    I do know what you experience, except it's also the question of whether I am a 15 year old boy or girl. And I am far from 15.

    On the other hand though, let me share something. I'm a female but I do look androgynous. When I had long hair I was treated very differently - I saw people evaluating me, but in a different manner. I was given the attention from males that I didn't want, straight women saw me as competition when their straight boyfriends acted like idiots. Many others thought that the only reason I achieved the things I have achieved was because of how I looked. And it irritated, frustrated and agonized me, because I worked hard for every little achievement of mine. So now, after the most amazing thing that happened to me - aka the boy haircut, - when people stare at me it's either a) they are really just wondering about my gender without any underlying agenda, or b) their interest in my persona would depend on my gender. Also, as someone above mentioned, we do this sort of thing as well (not as explicitly, we keep it internalized) - I know when I see an attractive individual I always hope it's a woman.
    But I do hope things get better for you.
     
  10. Argentwing

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    I might stare at you because you're attractive. Boy, girl... doesn't matter to me. :slight_smile: But if I find out what you're trying to pass as, I'll think of you that way.
     
  11. Niqk

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    I don't blame them. Most people are just caught by surprise and wonder whether you're male or female.
     
  12. DoriaN

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    Look at my profile picture to tell if I'm male or female.

    So yeah, I get a lot of unwanted attention.