Alright.. So I'm sorry if this is a bit of a rant instead of a question but I'm just really torn up on the inside at the moment with a heap of mixed emotions. I'm 18, and I only began to accept the fact I was gay at the beginning of the university year. High school was a hellhole for me because I had to stay strong in order to study and block out any emotions. I can say I'm now okay with the fact I'm gay, but where the depression comes in is the fact that I feel incredibly alone being gay. I told some of my friends, but sometimes I feel as if they don't understand. I mean it's one thing for them to support me, but I don't have anyone to relate to or share the experience with which makes me feel incredibly isolated. I've tried using gay apps and whatnot but all I literally see are sex hungry jerks who don't seem to care for actual meaningful friendships. The more I think about my future, the more depressed I get. I feel as if I'm living against the odds, and I dread growing older and living life without having anyone special to share it with. Late at night I usually just tear up thinking about how lonely I am, thinking about the rare chance of even finding anyone. I'm not suicidal at all but sometimes I feel cheated out of life. I mean what is life without a chance at love/true happiness? On top of these feelings of loneliness comes the fact my parents are devout Christians. My dad has told me many many times that he would not tolerate gay people in the family or associated with his family, my mum too uses the word 'faggot' and stuff which kills me because they expect grandchildren and me havig a wife which is something I just can't give. Does anyone have advice on how to fix these feelings? Maybe I'm thinking too deep into my future but right now it seems horrifically bleak.
Hi, firstly :welcome: to EC! I'm crap at advice, but I just want to let you know you are not alone. If you ever want to chat feel free to drop a message on my Wall, or just post here. (*hug*)
Hey, Britter! That sounds so familiar. It's like reading my diary (not that I have one). Just stay strong and don't let depression gets you.
hey welcome to ec man...i think you will find most people here have or do feel like you do.im not great with advice but im sure when you meet someone you wont feel alone.i was living in melb it has a great open culture(maybe the worlds best).i came out out to my friends there.that was the first time in my life i felt truly happy with who i am.i hope you have the same experience.have you been to any gsa uni group there?.
I can relate to your story so easily, I still do feel that my friends don't always understand, and without any of them being gay it makes it that much more difficult. But hey, you say that you imagine your future being bleak and lonely, but do the opposite! Imagine how happy you'll be with the perfect partner. Don't let your past repeat itself, always think of a brighter tomorrow.
Thanks for the replies, these did help a little. Thing is, im not really into the whole gay club scene, I'd rather watch a movie or something. I guess I'll try to remain optimistic, but that itself is a little hard with all my family's negativity towards gay people. I guess hope is the only thing keeping me sane.
Well you're not alone there man; I've pretty much known I was 'different' since I hit puberty at the start of high school, but I only accepted my sexuality when I started uni last year. Since I'm more or less closeted (a few close friends know) it's been pretty difficult dealing with the whole loneliness issue. I died a little inside every time one of my friends would get a boyfriend/girlfriend because I knew that that just wasn't going to happen with me. Also, my family is also pretty homophobic. Occasionally they'll (mum/dad/stepmum) have moments where they seem to be accepting of the idea of having a gay son, but they generally come across as pretty homophobic. Like, take last week for example. I was in the car with my mum and she just randomly blurt out (it was a little unusual) "You couldn't pay me all the money in the world to have a gay son..". Obviously this didn't sit well with me, but since I'm closeted (and don't want to risk hurting my relationship with my mother) I kept silent. It's so frustrating because I know that I could teach them so much about my sexuality and (probably) change their perspective on things; after all, I'm pretty sure their homophobia stems simply from ignorance. Also, I 100% agree on the whole "watching a movie rather than clubbing" etc. I really don't like clubbing at all; I'm much more of a "watch movies on the couch at home with friends/play video games" kind of guy I'm happy to talk with you about anything, just message me or something
I see you turned 19, Happy Birthday! It's tough when the people who love you most aren't willing to understand, and in these cases you need hope and support. We, here at EC, can provide the support. YOU have to provide the hope.
Britter, I share your feelings about loneliness and relationships...not that I know what to do about them, really. I guess I just have to get brave and date some guys. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that jazz...even though I'm terrified as hell.
It's part of our existence. I feel the very same way. I think another part for the puzzle is actually people like me - people who looked for so long, that they have now become bitter. If you were next to me, chances are I would curse and assume we could never be friends. Then, I'd just be pissed. At least you found the sex crazed people. I live in an area where there really is NO ONE. the only people here are 98% disgusting. Your friends don't get it. They can support you until the cows come home, but they don't it. They don't get how many more steps there are for us..... Even if we can get there. It's terrible. So whatever you do, try and realize you are not alone. There are people here for you. Again, it's part of our journey.
