Helping someone come out...to themselves?

I think sexuality is something you ought to explore on your own terms...
She denies that she is bi, and said that she hasn't had a crush on any girls....

If she is bi, maybe she just isn't prepared/ready to come out yet...
Coming out can be life changing and scary...

In this situation, I would suggest not to "push" her to come out, but simply express your views, that your okay with it if she is, and leave it at that...
She will come out if and when she is ready to do so....

 

Hi,

From this perspective it looks like you want her to be bi regardless of what she wants.

Best way to lose a friend is to keep pushing something when they have rected it.

You have planted the seed now you need to leave them alone, it is your friend's life not yours.

Sorry, but that is the truth of it.

You will learn we all sometimes see what we want to see regardless of the reality.

Stuck

 

I know it can be tough to watch but people have to come out at their own pace. Plus I actually think the best thing you could do is come out to her. Nothing shows support and understanding like someone who has been through what you are going through.

 

This is going to be a little harsh, but I think it's what you need to hear.

It's not your business to tell her what her sexuality is. It's your business to accept what she says it is, and support her. If she says she's straight, you accept that she's straight.

I think on some level you are trying to make her come out to you so that it will be easier for you to come out to her. Your deep, apparently groundless certainty that she *must* be at least a little bisexual may unconsciously be because it would make it so much easier for you if she was.

She does not have to explore her sexuality on a grand hunt for the tiny exception to her life-pattern of attraction that you imagine exists. If she is content in her straight identity, she does not have examine it's "purity" with a microscope. It's perfectly fine for her to just go on dating guys.

I think her life history of having feelings for guys and not for girls is absolutely a valid justification for identifying as straight. I think that you have no valid grounds for questioning it, or you would have presented them. I suspect you are operating on the profound misconception that bisexuality is the only valid sexual orientation, and everyone who doesn't identify as "at least a little" bisexual is either lying or in denial of their feelings.

Most likely, your friend keeps telling you she's not bisexual because she's not. The fact that she denies being bisexual rather than asserting that she is straight is surely because she is responding to pressure she has felt from you, and other people, who keep insisting for some reason that she is. Leave her alone.

Basically, yes, it is bad to want to "force her to be honest with herself." The word "force" in there should tip you off, for one thing. You are not her mother or her therapist. She has not asked for your opinion about her sexuality, and it is not something you are entitled to have an opinion about. It is none of your business. You have no right to act like you know what her sexuality is better than she does. And, it's completely ridiculous for you to pressure her to come out when you don't have the guts to do so yourself.

She doesn't need your help, she's fine. As far as you are concerned, she is straight, unless and until she says otherwise. Anything else is totally inappropriate. You can only help people explore their sexuality if they invite you to do so.

She does not need to come out. YOU are the one who needs to come out. Stop projecting your issues onto her and deal with them in your own life.

 

Yes...it's very bad to force her to come out. If anyone did that to me, that evils be the immediate end to our friendship. She'll come out if and when she's ready, and frankly, your job as her friend is simply to be friends...not force the process.

 

I understand you only want to try help your friend, but take our advice and stop trying. I couldn't agree more with what Ianthe said:

 

Word (!)

 

"She's straight. Or so far up the bisexual-leaning-hetero spectrum that it counts as straight BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT SHE FUCKING WANTS TO LABEL HERSELF AS."

I'm not really sure why you cruise-controlled caps for that last part, is it really that big of a deal that she is straight? What do you have to gain from her being bisexual besides not being proven wrong? Even IF she is a LITTLE bisexual, does it really matter? I consider myself gay, but its not like that makes it so I can't even think about girls without losing myself and having to just say I'm bi. Lighten up and deal with your own issues for now, since I think it seems like you have some that you should work on.

 

That instinct to help her is the same thing as an instinct to ignore your own problems. Notice when you do that with people, it's probably with more than just her. I've had friends who are close like you describe and I can see things about them that they can't accept. That includes having a handful of friends who are likely bi or gay, who were like that at 15 and now still are in their early 30s - and I have had to watch them struggle and make themselves rather unhappy because they are still not ok with it. But I cannot fix that. The only thing I can do is handle my own process, and in my honesty and living a good life out, and being there to talk about it if they ever want to - I am providing them a great source of support if they ever get there, but that journey has to be completely theirs.

In the end, I am not in their heads and I can't really know 100% what they're feeling or what their sexuality is. The best advice I can give you is, stop becoming so close to people that you feel a need to help them and fix their problems - that may sound like a nice thing to do, but it is actually really unhealthy, and you end up controlling them and getting frustrated because you feel responsible for the decisions they make and if things go wrong. You are not responsible for your friend, and she is trying to tell you that, to back off. Her decisions, and her pain, are her own. If she makes a mistake it's because she needed to, you can't save her from ever having consequences in life, that is how people learn and grow. You're not God. And as you alluded to, you are not even all the way there in your own process, because you too, are young. So focus on yourself, and what you need, rather than on what she needs. Whatever she needs, you have to accept that you can't give it to her, she has to give it to herself. No one can fulfill your needs for you either, you are the only one who will ever be able to do that.

The problem with wanting to help people who didn't ask for it is that it means you feel superior to the person you are "helping." That is not a good basis for a friendship, you need to stop being the mature overlord to your best pal, because she is not as incompetent as you think. You're not the expert, you're just her friend, and an equal. No one here thinks you're a bad person, you obvious mean well. But I say this from having been there, when you try to fix other people's problems, you are avoiding dealing with your own. Stop it, and ask yourself - what do I need today?