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Does everyone need to know?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Zaio, Jan 5, 2013.

  1. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Hi EC,

    So I've fully accepted myself a long time ago, I'm fine and happy that I'm gay.

    I've recently started playing a new game that I got good at quickly and got into high league pretty quickly, me and about 4 other guys play quite a lot and we never lose, like we've literally lost once, we're a really great team. However, in teamspeak the convo of homosexuality came up, and it's pretty obvious one of them doesn't approve of it. He pretty much just said it's not OK, however one of the other guys said hes got gay mates. Convo was basically over after that and we changed topic.

    I didn't really say anything the whole topic, I mean, they don't actually have to know do they? I'm not going to start pretending to be straight, but if I want to keep the team then I may as well just not say anything right? I've been playing Xbox with these guys too, I mean it's not like I know them in person so they don't exactly have to know. It's just that me and this guy game quite a lot just us 2 if none of the other guys are on, and I wouldn't want it getting awkward or him just simply cutting off contact.

    So what do you guys think? He doesn't actually have to know does he? I doubt he'd ever ask me if I'm gay, but if he did I'd say yes. If he doesn't actually ask then it's OK to just not mention it right?

    All the best.
     
  2. Rexmond

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    You don't have to tell them. If you think it would make things easier and possibly if you're thinking of telling them in the future, then it might be best to do it sooner to get it out of the way.
     
  3. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Yeah that's true, and no I don't see why I'd have to tell them in the future. I suppose I just feel as though I shouldn't have to hide who I am for a second, because I'm pretty much happy with who I am. I suppose it's just got me worried I'll revert back to a closetted state and never tell any new people I meet, although I know that won't happen.

    I guess I just feel that once you're out you should be able to tell anyone and be prepared to argue, which I'm not always.

    All the best.
     
  4. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Coming out is a lifelong process, and I think even the most out people sometimes make choices to avoid mentioning their sexual orientation.

    I think if you don't bring it up, but are authentic about it if it is brought up, that's fine. No use creating an issue that may not need to be there... and you may discover that, after he's known you for a year or two, if he does find out, he'll be totally ok with it. People are generally afraid of things that are unknown, and he probably doesn't have any gay friends (that he knows of) that he knows well.
     
  5. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Thanks, that's pretty much what my game plan was. The rest of your post is spot on too I think.

    Thanks for the help guys :slight_smile:
     
  6. shovelman

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    Well it sounds like you know what you're doing and though you don't have to let them you're gay don't deny it either like you said you're happy to be who you are and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that :slight_smile: you'll find that many similar situations will come up during your life and it's fine being honest because you shouldn't have to hide who you are when you're already out in the open.
     
  7. JohnJuan

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    I think Chip hit it spot on here. It is a lifelong process, and every situation is unique. I think you have to weigh the pros and the cons of each situation as it develops. Sometimes it just isn't relevant at the time. If it comes up, fine, if not, don't worry too much about it.
     
  8. Yoshi02

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    You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. You can be fully out and never bring it up with new people. Most people don't really make a point to let you know what sexuality they are unless it comes up for some reason. We just tend to assume what people are based on the evidence in front of us until we're told otherwise.

    So if you want them to know, go ahead and tell them. But if not don't stress about it.
     
  9. Argentwing

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    Just telling your teammates you support gay rights is plenty. They don't need to know you play for that team if it would be destructive overall.
     
  10. Ianthe

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    The one thing you might want to watch for is if it makes you feel disconnected from them, like you don't really belong. If you start feeling like that, I think you would be best off telling them. What's the point of holding back to be a part of the team if holding back makes you feel like you aren't really part of the team?

    Also, the situation you describe where someone is saying homophobic things and you don't respond, could be harmful to you. As Rswordsman suggested, you will want to at least respond as an ally, rather than letting someone that you consider a friend say all kinds of homophobic things.

    Since it's only one guy who was negative about it, you also might very well find that if you did let them know, it would be the homophobe who would face either changing his attitude or leaving the team. Which is frankly how it should be, since he's the one with the problem. I actually think this is much more likely than you having to leave the team.

    One thing you might consider is coming out privately to the guy who spoke up about having gay friends. (He could have stayed silent about that too, and didn't, which makes him an active ally. In fact, from the way you describe it, he effectively shut down the homophobic commentary.) Then there will be at least one person on the team that you know supports you. Then you can decide how you want to handle things from there.

    While I completely agree with Chip that you don't have to come out, I do want to say that it does not seem to me like a hopeless situation to come out in.
     
  11. kiltrout

    kiltrout Guest

    If they ask or bring up the topic then tell them. There is no point in going around announcing to the world "I'm gay!!" if it's they don't ask or discuss homosexuality.
     
  12. Shadowsettler

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    It doesn't really matter if he knows, because his opinion is just that: just an opinion. Personally I would tell him straight up to go fuck himself. If he can come to the conclusion that he's straight by choice then he could talk to me. Until then, he can piss up a rope.
     
    #12 Shadowsettler, Jan 27, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2013
  13. Eletricalmonkss

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    There's too much emphasis and pressure by the gay community to come out of the closet. In effect it makes people nervous, gays and non-gays alike. It's a tricky situation because really you're putting yourself out there announcing you're gay so unless it's actually relevant I wouldn't worry too much about telling the guys.
     
  14. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Thanks for the contribution you two, but this thread is a little old now :slight_smile: I've already got it sorted.

    I just decided to not say anything unless directly asked, which hasn't occurred yet.

    All the best.