Hello there! I joined this forum late last year but I have not been very active, other than reading threads created by others and making a few posts but I really wanted to document my story and maybe get some comments as to where I have gotten, who I am now, and perhaps where I might be headed. To start, I am a 17 year old gay guy who is relatively closeted, but have come out to a few people; three to be exact. I live in a relatively accepting area and environment. It all started when I was comparably younger, I'd say around 11; perhaps even 12, when I caught myself eying appealing guys. This was anything from people who I passed by in the streets to guys used to model clothing ever present in stores and magazines. For a long time, I thought nothing of it and was easily able to assure myself that this was just pure admiration; that I too wanted to be like these guys so that I could attract girls and live at least a somewhat normal life. This went on for many years without much thought about possibly being gay, I mean I've had crushes on girls before so it wasn't a possibility. I did consider the possibility that I could be bisexual but I had never had a crush on a boy so I quickly discarded that idea also. I eventually did get a few crushes on guys, and these days it has changed to all guys, except one romantic crush for a short while when I was 15. At first I applied the same method, assuming this was simple admiration or that I simply wanted to be great friends with this guy. In grade 8 I think I had my first emotional crush on a guy I will call Jeff. I didnt have much sexual attraction to Jeff but I think I really "admired" him emotionally. For a long time I have been a bit of a studious type of kid, so the lack of interest in girls kind of seemed natural to me; I even went as far as to feel proud that I could concentrate on my studies. High school was where I really started to realize these admirations were not stopping. I went on to crush on another guy, who I'll call Sam, for three years. I played the trumpet and joined band for 3 years but hated it. I got through the first year and thought I would quit second year without a doubt, but seeing Sam there somehow kept me there. This happenedferia grade 10 to grade 11 also. I finally quit this year and have stopped crushing on Sam since but he is the first person who I would steal glimpses of whether it was in the hallway or during band. It made me realize that this behavior meant I was attracted to him. The way he dressed just fancinated me and I sought to even copy some of this. He is a lean, pale-skinned fellow who is very devoted and in a way very guilable and innocent. I hate to sound like I have a fetish, but I remember the bone structure of his hand to be very lean and elegant, especially when playing the trumpet. Being attracted to a guy wasn't enough for me to conclude that I was gay though. I started heavily researching it but I think it took some time to actually accept the fact. I kept telling to myself that attraction was different from wanting sex, or being a homosexual. I still don't know if it is really sexual desire, but I know that I don't do the same with women and girls, so I thought being "gay" was the best description for me when and so I was 16 this past summer and said it aloud to myself multiple times while sitting on my bed with this very phone. In recent years, say grades 11 and 12 I have caught myself staring, if you will, at a lot of guys I consider to be attractive, but never really experimented dating and thus have never had a kiss or had sex before. I believe I am gay but I don't know. There has always been the old crushes I worry about for girls. They were never about attractiveness but just emotional. I still wonder if I am a homosexual bi romantic or just a pure homosexual. I think if I am a pure gay guy, then what I think is a crush on a girl is simply what I enjoy as friendship. I certainly think my feelings for guys are a lot stronger than what I might think are romantic feelings for girls. Does anyone who considers themself gay ever feel this? I might mention all the girls that I "fall for" have boyfriends. Could purely wanting a relationship create feelings of jealousy and somehow cause me to try to emotionally connect with these girls? Recently, although I should be concentrating on school and university acceptances, I have developed a crush for this grade 11 guy who I see frequently in the hallways. This is the first crush that I've based solely on looks and appearances and I feel slightly guilty for being so shallow and neglecting to consider a guy's personality before falling for him. I even somewhat figured out his schedule so that I can pass by him and stare at his incredibly handsome face more often. I feel ashamed for this and am often paranoid that he will notice me watching and think poorly of me. I often think of trying and attempting to befriend this guy, who I shall call Ben, because I am leaving high school this year and want to make that connection, perhaps on Facebook, before I never see him again. How would you go about doing this and is it a good idea? Is what I'm doing bad? Sorry for the long post. I'm also sorry for any grammar mistakes, typos, or poor writing style. I'm writing this on an iPhone late at night to prevent myself from being discovered by my family. I appreciate sincerely any help or just comments on what I've written. Bless you all and I will you all happy, satisfying, and fulfilling lives. -Kirito
Yeah this has happened to me a lot in the past. Sometimes I feel that emotional pull towards a girl because she is into me or that they are a challenge (e.g. boyfriend). But when it comes down to the "physical/sexual level" there is simply no desire to have sex with one nor do I fantasize about them. Very early on (late childhood through junior high), I had brief sexual attraction towards girls but it disappeared.
Thanks for the reply. Any thoughts on whether checking guys out or eyeing and enjoying it means that I am sexually attracted to a guy? Sometimes I feel like are so good to look at but the appeal of sex is only slightly interesting. I'm not sure what to do about my current crush either . :icon_sad:
If you check girls out, do you ever feel any slight sexual interest? I don't know, for me personally my sexual urges were very noticeable towards lots of guys I would check out. I would try to check girls out but wouldn't get that same excitement. Is that the same for you? When you fantasize (e.g. masturbate), do you think of guys or girls? That should help with some confusion.
I have no attraction towards girls whatsoever, in terms of physical attraction at least. I guess I fantasize about guys. I just wanted to clear that up. Thanks for all the help!
No problem! I know it is tough to deal with. There really is a cycle most gay/lesbians go through in terms of acceptance and understanding sexuality. I sometimes wish I could enjoy all the hot girls on campus, but my body just doesn't want one.
It is fairly common for closeted gay guys to rationalize their attraction to other guys by saying "well, the idea of gay sex doesn't appeal to me, so I must be straight." That is something that takes time to accept and to become appealing to you. Use your pure sexual attraction as a barometer. Do you feel sexually excited when you look at a shirtless man? How about a shirtless woman? That is, after all, the definition of "sexuality." This is something I, and many others, have struggled with. We can all have "crushes" on girls but that doesn't make us any less gay. Having platonic feelings of "love" for another person is the basis of any great friendship, not necessarily any sort of romantic or sexual relationship. Though everyone is different, I can relate to your situation, and hope you find this helpful.
That last little bit was hilarious! Thanks again. I think the fact that I catch myself checking out a lot of guys pretty much confirms my sexuala attraction for men. I find myself really attracted to a pretty face though and slim figure rather than just a shirtless man. Thank you for the additional input, it was very helpful.
Wow your story is very similar to mine. I don´t really know what advice to give you because I´m not totally there yet, but just know that you´re not alone. I´m actually very impressed on how similar your way of discovering your sexuality was to mine.
Thanks Kyle! If our paths are so similar, would you mind giving me a heads up on what will happen to me in the next 4 years . Which parts were similar? That's pretty cool. I think a lot of gay men figure out their sexuality this way. I think the Internet really accelerated my self-discovery. Thank you Empty Closets:icon_bigg! If you don't mind me asking, Have you ever been in a relationship before, whether it be straight or with another guy?
Dude, same thing with me, I find guys as attractive as the next gay guy, but girls are a puzzle to me. I can feel emotionally attracted to them and want to be with them, cuddle, kiss, all that shizz, but when it comes to the sexual part, I'm really not interested. I don't know how rationalize that, maybe we just like the idea of being with a girl? I don't know, that's for wiser and smarter people than me to answer, point is, I've felt that before, so no worries, you're not alone. As for 'Ben', man I feel that all the time, being attracted to a guy solely for his 'looks'. I say 'looks', because even though appearance is a large part of what you focus on, when you find yourself attracted to someone just by seeing them, it's really not just their appearance alone but also their mannerisms, how the act, how the move, what kind of non-verbal cues they give off, what kind of attitude they have. Not to mention that "beauty is in the eye in the beholder" and whatnot. If you're attracted to someone, finding them physically attractive is part of the equation. If you like someone for their personality, you're going to grow to find them physically appealing, just because you'll see them how you think of them. Likewise, if you see someone who is good looking and then find out they're jerks, you'll begin seeing them as ugly, because that's how you perceive their attitude, which takes us back to the 'looks' thing and how attitude is part of what you find attractive in people. This is just my overall insight into what attracts you and what doesn't. See, I'm constantly finding myself attracted to only good looking guys, but the funny thing is, you only find people good looking, if you're attracted to them. Haha, it's a paradox. Anyways, this just my take on this. So nah, don't get too wrapped up wondering whether you're shallow or not, it's kind of a vague word that doesn't really cover the complexity that is human attraction. I don't personally see the harm in doing that. Going after a guy. There was this dude, last year, he was in 12th grade, I was in 11th, and he was going to graduate, I'd had crush on him since my freshman year but I'd been too scared to try anything. Finally, about this time a year, last year, I decided to go for it. I asked him out but he said no, it sucked. We did become friends though and after a while I realized, he wasn't my type. He was a nice guy, but once I got to know him I realized that he wasn't what I was looking for, what I wanted. I stopped seeing as Adonis incarnate, I and started him as just some other guy in my school and that's how I got over him. Now, I'm not saying you should ask him out, I'll admit that was very impulsive of me and it could've gone horribly. If he'd said yes and then I would've found out I didn't like him like I thought I did, things could've gotten messy. Still, I don't regret it because I got to know him and discover for myself, why he wasn't a good match for me. We had different interests, very little in common, and our ways of thinking were just too different. I think it's better to give it a shot and fail, than wonder what could've been. Anyways, good luck man!
I was exactly like you. I've always been aware of being bisexual in that I'm physically attracted to both females and males, but for the longest time I thought it was just a physical attraction. I'd never actually felt any romantic feelings for a guy and just assumed I was mostly straight. The thing is, although I'd crushed on girls before, I'd never actually had a meaningful relationship with one, and every time I got over the crush pretty quick (it seemed to be just based on lust, in the sense that I liked their looks, and I liked the idea of being in a relationship). This year, I met a guy, and boom! Fell in love for the first time in my life. Full, unconditional love. I just loved every part of this guy, and though he didn't reciprocate my feelings despite being bisexual too (I eventually wrote a letter to him explaining my feelings, he was very kind, but said that he just didn't feel the same, but that we're still friends ^_^), my feelings for him made me realize that I'm mostly gay, bisexual. I have a strong physical attraction to both sexes, but I've never truly loved a girl before. I think that in cases like you or me, that biologically, we're bisexual. We are capable of feeling lust for both men and women. I believe the gender preference to be psychological, which explains why that preference tends to be fluid in bisexuals. I feel more comfortable around guys, I feel like I can relate to one more, hence I think I'm more likely to be attracted to guys and make a connection with them, than a girl. As for your feelings of shame relating to your attraction to guys, I implore you to change them. It's perfectly healthy to have passing fantasies about people you find attractive. What goes on in your own head is your own business, and you shouldn't feel ashamed of it. What's your responsibility is to respect the individuals in your actions; for example, it's fine to have sexual fantasies about a guy/girl, but what's not ok is making them uncomfortable with unwelcome advances (don't get me wrong, flirting is fine, but if you're getting clear NO signals, you have to respect them). Again, it's perfectly natural to have these fantasies. It's a part of a healthy, normal sexuality. There's no reason to feel shame because of them. You're not a slut/pervert/etc because you feel sexual desire for guys, and think about it. As long as you can control it and it doesn't influence your relationships with people in a negative way, it's perfectly fine .
Wow, I didn't really expect to get some much response from everyone; thanks guys. I think the emotional attraction to girls was mostly in my life way before I even hit the main part of puberty so I really think that it was what I thought I was supposed to do. Everything related to girls after was mainly from jealousy of not being in a relationship and feeling as I'd I was missing out. It's nice to know that this isn't just a problem that only I'm going through. I guess I felt bad about Ben because I haven't even spoken to him before and am almost sure he doesn't even know who I am other than perhaps the guy who he finds staring at him sometimes. I just feel bad for basically stalking the guy, however even at a distance you're right; I am attracted to a lot more than to just his appearance - I really love his smile and the way he dresses or plays with his hair. I get what you mean about being in love basically making someone look more appealing because I've actually asked one of my gay friends what he thought of him and apparently he's not all that hot, but to me he's like the cutest thing/hottest guy ever. I'll keep this point in mind for the future; I think it is very helpful. I wouldn't go as far as to ask him out; I'm not that bold, but I would like to get to know him better. Who knows, maybe after learning more about him I won't be as obsessed, but I do think I'll have this crush for a very long time. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you and your interest and will hope that you find Mr. Right eventually.
I don't know if I believe if most people are born as bisexuals and then develop preferences based on society because I have honestly no sexual attraction towards girls. I mean perhaps there is some degree of bisexuality someone could possibly be born with but I think the preference is already there too, at least for me. Thank you for that bit though. Thanks for the reassurance on my shame! I think I'll look at this with more of a natural sense from now on!
Aw, thanks dude. And hey, I get you about having a crush that won't easily go away. I also happen to have a crush that may border on obsessive, unfortunately, it's on someone famous that I could never meet so there's no hope of me getting over him by getting to know him better. He's the guy on my profile picture xD Anyways best of luck to you man.
