I can't really come out publicly until I'm financially independent*, which likely won't be for another two years or so, but I've been desperate to talk to somebody I care about about being gay (I'm seeing a counselor at my school, but only every other week, so I really need more frequent processing time with someone else). Pretty much everyone I know is extremely religious (Orthodox Jewish), and extremely socially conservative - so I didn't really have a lot of good choices. I chose one of my friends because she's the only person I know who doesn't regularly make homophobic comments or jokes, and sometimes has slightly liberal leaning tendencies. It actually went pretty well. She told me that she doesn't really understand it and she's not sure if she approves, but she still cares about me and still wants to be my friend. She promised that she would be willing to keep my secret for a few years if needed, and said that if I ever need a temporary place to stay, her guest bedroom was always open. She also asked a lot of questions, so it seems like she's trying to understand - but I wasn't able to completely answer them all because I don't really understand everything myself. We also talked about other people who I might come out to, and we decided on two possibilities (my mom and another mutual friend), but we decided that it's too soon for both of them because neither are very good at keeping secrets, and it's a very bad idea for my orientation to be very public right now. Now I'm feeling extremely vulnerable and anxious. I've been ignoring her texts and phone calls. I barely slept last night, and I've been having trouble concentrating on anything more productive today than getting dressed. I'm going back and forth between feeling relieved that someone knows and likes me to feeling upset and anxious that I've actually told someone. I'm sure this is normal, so I'm not sure that I need advice exactly, but some support would be very helpful. ___ *it's a long story about why I'm not financially independent at 27, but cultural expectations about women in my community combined with a horrible economy have held me back a lot, but I'm working on fixing that for myself.
I felt this way after coming out as well. I know that the reason that I felt this way was because I didn't have to keep up the facade that I had been keeping up for years. I could act like me around my friend now. That was really unsettling to me. I know that with time the feeling passed for me.
I came out to my best friend last weekend. Other than my therapist, and an online friend, she was the first "real" person I've told. I understand how you're feeling. I feel the same way, too. I've spent all week rehashing the conversation we had...and trying to convince myself it was the right thing to do. I've gone back and forth between feeling relieved and excited that there's someone else who knows...and terrified and unsettled that there's someone else who knows. In one moment I think I want to tell everyone and get it over with (I almost told my parents earlier this week- chickened out)...and then in the next moment I don't want anyone to know. I think some of it is not wanting to have to answer questions, because, as you said yourself, I'm not sure of the answers yet, either. I think, from what I'm gathering, this is a normal response (correct me if I'm wrong, everyone). It's been a long time that this has been a secret...and there's a lot riding on revealing it...it sounds like even more so in your case than in mine. It's a scary, scary step. I'm glad your friend was accepting and kind. She sounds like a good friend. (*hug*)
