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Fantasy vs Reality, Gay or ?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by localfwbguy, Jan 7, 2013.

  1. localfwbguy

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Guys/Gals I really need some help sorting myself out. Thing is I am in a hetero relationship and I love this person and want nothing more than for us to have a life together. We have been living together over a year and she is the one. I have an issue or situation that I feel must be addressed. I have a fantasy/fetish about older men, basically very much older men. It has been a fantasy for years, and I immagined all kinds of sexual acts, and have even.tried it. Turns out the reality was nothing like the fantasy, it was very uncomfortable and kinda just funky. Now, I don't even immagine must sexual acts because they kinda lost the appeal, but visually can find pictures arousing like in porn. Like older younger straight porn is my flavor. I find the site arrousing but I am fantasizing about doing the girl, but like the visual of the old guy doing her. I have never had any kind of emotional/romantic attraction to men and honestly rarely see a male in real life that I consider sexually arousing. On the other hand, I notice good looking women all the time but rarely get all lusty and horned up on the spot. I love having sex with my girl when we have it. The reason we arent having much is I am so upset thinking I might be gay and in denial. I don't want to be with a man, especially since the only male fantasy I've had is for older men. I know doubt love my girl, so much so I told her everything so she could make up her own mind. I am so depressed about not being with her (potentially). I just am so worried about my sexual performance. I love the thought of our lovemaking but i have terrible performance anxiety and fear of not being sufficiently aroused for it. She is a beautiful girl, so beautiful on the inside too. I can get aroused so easy on my own. and can masturbate to orgasm just fantasizing about being with her but im so scared to initiate because I've felt so self conscious when I wasn't getting erect. Is it because I have/had the old man fantasy? I am not confused about wanting to be with my girl, I enjoy sex when we have it and want to get over my performance anxiety and this doubt about if I am doing the right thing being with her. I don't want to be with men, even though I do have the old man fantasy. I tryed to not acknowledge it, suppress it if you Will but it made it worse. The started to.completely doubt my orientation and whether I can be sexual with my girl. Any advice for me would be much appreciated. Thanks.
     
  2. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    Here are a couple of key points to address:

    (1.) Constantly worrying and having anxiety will KILL an erection or make you unable to get one. You really need to relax and stop worrying about it. The more you worry, the more your "performance" will suffer. When you are relaxed, calm, and in the here and now moment, you can perform without any issues.

    (2.) Maybe you feel like you are attracted to older men due to porn. Excessive porn use can re-wire your brain to like things that you normally wouldn't in public. You said you didn't enjoy the sexual encounter with an older man. This should be a red flag right there.

    (3.) Sometimes our fantasies don't match our sexual orientation. There may be a dangerousness or taboo appeal you might like about older men. The key to knowing your sexual orientation is how your body reacts around real life people. When you see older men, do you start fantasizing about them?
     
  3. localfwbguy

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gay
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    Some people
    Hey thanks for your reply!

    1. Your totally right about the worrying, it definitely makes it worse! One occasion, I was feeling super anxious at work because I knew I was expected to perform when I got home. By the time I get there, and we started going at it, I was not getting hard. I went down on her untill she came, and I felt like my penis was hard as a rock. I reached down and it was not flacid but shrunken! I freaked. When everything does go right, I enjoy the pleasure and the intimacy, I feel positive during and after. But my anxiI ety returns.

    2. I agree about the porn also. I looked at this kind of porn for quite awhile. I guess I can pick out an attractive person of any sex really, and sometimes I notice a particularly handsome older man that I would watch a porn clip of. Lately, I will look at a man and think, "do I find him attractive, would I do something with him?". However, today at work a guy and young woman came in, and i did briefly picture them having sex with each other. I used to fantasize about having gay sex with them, but I tried a few times and didnt care for it. I was nervous and was erect but I found the experiences not very pleasing and basically wishing I was somewhere else the whole time. When it was over, I feel dirty.. wondering why I did it etc. I never feel that way after sex with my gf.

    3. I usually prefer straight porn featuring a young woman and one or two older guys. I watch and immagine I'm using the girl too. I guess I answered this question above...I guess I check my self when I see someone. I think I developed this because I didnt have a father and used to immagine the kind of dad I would want. When I meet men in everyday life, I may admire them but don't really imagine having sex with them. I do get arroused by sexual images online though.

    I feel more hetero, but the porn is arrousing. The porn visual usually stimulates me. I can look at men and women all day, acknoledge there attractiveness but don't get to arroused. I am going to try and stop port, masturbating, and orgasm. I have tried and the most I've made in the recent history is several days..before I binged on porn, edging, etc.
     
  4. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    Speaking of father figures, I had a pretty back and forth relationship with my dad. Lots of fights, arguments, etc. My mom was a bit overbearing and overprotective. Not sure if that has anything to due with my homosexuality and why I generally don't find women sexually attractive.