Hi EC, So, maybe my situation is different than most people's, or maybe it's just the same and I"m not realizing it. Anyway, here is the issue I'm having. I grew up in a little town in the south and went to college in a town not too much bigger, but still in the Evangelical Christian, Republican voting, still somewhat racist, a bit misogynistic, and totally anti-gay south. I think we can see where this is going. I have never dared to breathe a word about being gay to anyone in my family. Not even the extended family has a single clue. They ask me about a girlfriend all the time since I'm almost 23 years old and just really getting into the world on my own, and every time I just say something about staying busy, or not really looking. My friends know, my co-workers know, and both of my roommates know. I'm living in a bigger city (the state capital) now, and things are a bit more open minded here. Anyway, sorry I tend to get sidetracked easily...going back to my point...how do you deal with internalized homophobia? I've never been totally 100% okay with being gay until only recently, and even tried dating some girls in high school to show myself it was a phase or I was confused or whatever. I still feel a little twinge of...unease, discomfort, maybe when I read or hear about a state that legalized marriage equality or when the voters in my state dealt with a gay adoption bill recently. It makes me feel really ashamed of myself. I feel like I'm hating myself and turning on my own people. And here's a little story to go out on...the last time I visited home, I did dinner with my parents and my older brother, older sister and their spouses came over too. At the table the topic turned to Anderson Cooper's recent coming out and my whole family was saying thing like, "Oh, that poor man. He should be ashamed of his sin." and "I can't believe he's gay. I used to like him so much." I felt like a tiny bug. I just picked at the last of my food and said nothing. Once we moved into the den for coffee the topic had changed to something else and I became more talkative then. Sorry for rambling, but what do I do? How do you handle it?
Do you have any gay friends? I think it would be really good for you to establish a strong gay-friendly support community. It would be best if you had other people who were going through similar things. Unfortunately, your family's attitudes, and you letting them pass without saying anything, will reinforce the feelings of shame that you have. But the way to overcome your shame is to talk about it with people who are accepting. A support group can be a big help in that way, if you don't already know any other gay people. For now, maybe try not to spend too much time with your family, and work on feeling more comfortable and building a community of support.
humans are doctrinal creatures.if you grow up in a environment in which being gay is demonised of course you are at least at risk of picking up that doctrine.just like people leaving a cult turning against its doctrines logic we are still a left with a emotional response to ideas actions etc created by our old thinking.sometimes years after we have changed our reasoning behind it.(just like how grave yards at night give me the creeps even tho i dont believe in ghosts) i think one way for you to deal with it is find a gay idol.(i have 2 idols peter thiel, Alan Turing),but saying that i think you will naturally change your emotional response(which im pretty sure is your problem .i hope im reading you right) either way you sound like me a few years ago im pretty sure you are going though a normal acceptance process .dont feel guilty about it you sound like a good dude to me.
