I'm laying in bed beside my sleeping GF trying not to lose my shit. A few days ago my greatest fear nearly came true. She thought she was pregnant. Turned out to be a false alarm but still has me shook. Ive been trying to convince myself to break it off for nearly a year- me being gay and all- but I chicken out on the regular. I don't want to break her heart and I don't want my life to change: coming out to friends and fam etc. But getting pregnant and married and living a lie suddenly seems unbearable. So much worse than the alternative. Her 19 year old sister it turns out IS pregnant and keeping her baby despite her boyfriends wish to terminate. Now it's as if I'm living through him. It feels so real. The possibility that I could get her pregnant. And one of the things my GF told me is that her top life goal is to be a mother. I'm fucked. I need to end this. Even if I was straight I don't want kids. I need to be honest about that. The other night when we had sex (she always initiates) she called me out on being "dissconected" and she was right. I was. I explained without being explicit that I feel disconnected from myself. That's exactly how I feel. I'm floating 10 ft above my body just watching life happen. I need to let this be a warning. No a catalyst. Such a rant. Craig.
Breaking up with her would be a very good idea. You got lucky this time, but there might not be another. You don't need to be one of those people that tries to live straight and then ends up having kids with someone. Not only do you mess up your life, but you also hurt the kids and the mothers if you decide to continue the lie and/or come out later in life. The longer you drag this out, things can only get worse. ---------- Post added 8th Jan 2013 at 02:59 AM ---------- Looking at your other threads, you've been struggling with this for a long time. You really need to put an end to it so you can stop wasting your life and actually live happily. It is very possible. Yes it's scary to accept yourself, come out, and not be in the same routine that you have become used to, but you aren't doing anyone or yourself a favor by living this lie and wasting other people's life and time as well in the process.
And what about not having sex without condoms anymore? I'm sorry to say that but pregnancy is (sort of) contagious; women who are around pregnant women will be more fertile than usual. If your gf's sister is pregnant you should definitively take no risk at all. You could even opt for 3 ways contraception: like the pill, spermicide and condom, just to make sure. Since you're obviously not ready to break up with her, if she asks, tell her the truth; you got scared when she thought she was pregnant and realize you really don't want kids, especially not now, and you're ready to do your part to avoid that. Be a responsible man and protect yourself.
I find it really hard to have sympathy for people in your situation (and her sisters) who don't practice safe-sex. Copulation exists as a method of transfering reproductive cells. If you don't want to get pregnant don't have sex or use contraceptives. No excuses.
I'd just like to point out that the OP never suggested that he didn't practice safe-sex, so a few you guys have just assumed that he didn't take any precautions. This may be true, but he certainly didn't allude to it, and given that there's a ~11-15% failure rate for condoms, it's entirely possible that a couple having regular sex could end up with a pregnancy.
Right, that's why I suggested multiple contraception methods used together. I also have an hard time with understanding why people who don't want kids aren't extremely careful with contraception; as somebody else said, if used properly the condoms have a much lower failure rate; combine that with say, an oral contraceptive that's also used right, the chances of getting pregnant anyway are so tiny it's ridiculous.
Craig -- as I read it -- this is a catalyst, a real wake up call for you. You sound like you know who you are and what you want. Do you really want to be waking up next to your GF in a year, in 10 years, in 20 years? Yeah, I know, part of you is saying yes (hell, how could you not when we all live in a hetero centric world). Put aside your left brain thinking. Put aside the expectations. Put aside what might seem easier. Look at how you feel -- your emotions, instincts, and soul.
When I was about 20, my then-gf had a pregnancy 'scare'. I was over the moon at the time, but terrified of her parents reaction, and I remember thinking that no way was my minimum wage job going to support all 3 of us. With hindsight, it is fortunate that it was a false alarm. Weirdly, until that moment, I'd always convinced myself that I don't want kids. Yet I really do, even now. I reckon I'd be a great dad, by virtue of wanting to avoid being the kind of asshole my own father was. I hope I get to give it a go one day
I completely agree. Take this opportunity that she didn't get pregnant, and either end the relationship out of respect for her and youself, or take multiple precautions. You can be with her if you really want to; it is your choice. But in my opinion...not only do you want different things in life (in a major area) but you also don't even seem happy with her! Do what is best for both. Either talk to her about ending the relationship or protecting yourselves because you do not want and are not ready for a child.
You not wanting kids is an automatic deal breaker alone. She needs to know this, so she can find someone who does in the future. Plus, you're gay! I'm not going to lecture you because I was in your shoes when I was your age. I tried the whole family thing, but it didn't work and it still breaks my heart. My ex, however knew that I liked women and he was there for me since day one. We tried over and over again, but it didn't work. Not only because I was gay, but we were very incompatible and we grew apart. I love my kids and they're perfectly fine; I have no regrets. If I had accepted myself when I was 19 then they wouldn't be here. You're so lucky it was only a scare and I think it's time that you come to terms with who you are. I was in denial and I could not accept who I was then. I didn't want to because I thought I could change how I felt. Once I realized that I couldn't, I had no choice, but to accept it. And this recently occurred back in September 2011. I know it's hard, but it's best to do it now, instead of prolonging the inevitable. At the least, tell her how you feel...she deserves that, don't you think? Until then, I'm here for you (*hug*)
Thanks people,y I KNOW what I have to do. pinklov3ly you are absolutely right, the no kids thing is a deal breaker and I have to be honest with her. I absolutely do not want to wake up to a life that is not mine 10 years from now or even a year from now. A quick comment to Sacha: I don't remember asking anyone for sympathy. Nothing you said was helpful or useful. If you have nothing of merit to add to the conversation then please don't bother. I'm not sure about you but I'm here because I need support and advice that I can't get in my day to day life. I get plenty of shit out there lets leave it out of here!
What do you want? I gave you advice. If you don't want to have kids break up with your girlfriend or use contraceptives. There really isnt anything else to say. If you started this thread just to get other people to validate you then fine but quit acting like you want advice when clearly you dont. ---------- Post added 8th Jan 2013 at 02:05 PM ---------- Especially when you said you dont want to be a father or have a family yet you're still in a relationship with your girlfriend. What are people supposed to say? Good job keep lying? Like PeteNJ said.."You sound like you know who you are and what you want." You clearly do know what you want but its also clear you've yet to do anything about it.
I was not seeking validation. I want advice, but don't you see the difference between constructive advice and what you posted? What you wrote seems better suited to the talkback portion of the Jerry Springer Show! Look I'm all for hard truths, PurpleCrab managed to address the contraception issue without coming across as harsh and judgemental and I appreciate that. I'm not trying to pick a fight but I think it's important to maintain a supportive tone here because there are a lot of vulnerable people (myself included) in difficult situations who need our support. All I ask is that in the future before you hit the quick reply button think about what it is you're saying. Thanks again for everyones help.
So you have all this advice, now what are you going to do about the situation? I don't intend to sound harsh, but you keep coming back for help on the same issues and people give great advice each time, but you don't seem to change/solve your predicament and move on.
Sorry, but acting like a flake and beating around the bush isn't going to do you any good. I gave you bare bones advice and if you dont like it you dont have to take it. There is a difference between being cruel and malicious, and telling it how it is. I'm not meaning to offend you or anyone else, but I've been reading these forums for a long time, and if you really want to know what your life could be like, go ask any of the 50 year olds with a wife and kids who just came out. Many of them were in your situation at one time, dabbling in the other pool with a girlfriend...but OOPS forgot to wear a condom and look what happened... they got stuck in a fake marriage and perpetuated sometimes up to 30 years of compound lies. If you are gay, tell your girlfriend. It is NOT fair for her to be in the dark, as you could end up ruining both your lives if you're not careful.
You don't have to get married just because you have kids with someone. He's obviously struggling with this, so give him some credit for at least coming here. I was struggling with my sexuality for years before I finally accepted it. I understand that his girlfriend is going to be heartbroken and it's not fair to lead her on, but I think he knows what he needs to do now. If the pregnancy scare wasn't alarming then, perhaps he's just not ready to accept who he is yet. I'm guilty of going back and forth into the closet and it does make things more difficult in the end. We've all been there; accepting that you're gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans is very difficult. But letting go is just as difficult if not more... ---------- Post added 8th Jan 2013 at 09:31 PM ---------- Whether you're gay or not, this is the most incredible story ever with a happy ending. Wives Living Two Lives - Oprah.com
Don't feed the trolls. This person has started fights in numerous threads now, with offensive behavior and unhelpful comments. Ignore, or flag.
