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Sex Life Needs Improving. How?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by FranklinK, Jan 8, 2013.

  1. FranklinK

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    I haven't had sex in over a year now (cross my heart, hope to die, stick a dick in my eye). The issue at hand is that I really, desperately want to, almost need to have sex. It isn't like I've forgotten how to copulate or anything I just don't know who to have sex with. I'm in no position to date or be in a relationship so getting dong isn't gonna happen that way. Also, I really don't want to download a dating app or get on one of those hookup sites to find a suitable guy either.

    I also don't want to become friends or involve my possible future sex partner in my life in any way. Not that I have anything to hide I just don't think I'll want to have sex again afterwards and a relationship built on sex be it friendship or otherwise doesn't turn out well 99% of the time.

    Another reason why I don't want to have sex with any of my friends - I don't want them to think that it is ok or appropriate to hit me up for sex when they want it. Getting my rocks off is not worth complicating any of the relationships I've developed.

    On top of it all I'm worried about the repercussions that come with intercourse like feelings and STD's and HIV (not to implicate that I wouldn't play safe: wrap it before you tap it).

    Well shit, after typing all this out I don't even know if I'd be able to enjoy a good pound town session anyway what with all this going through my head.

    I'm tired of my hand and I need a personal touch minus the person. Any ideas?
     
  2. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Honestly, I was going to say something along the lines of "get a grip," as you're a bit too desperate for something as trivial as sex I think.

    Anyway, I think the best relationships come from friends, as they already know you a bit and vice-versa, it's easier to find someone more compatible that way. Casual sex with friends doesn't have to have strings either, just make it very clear before you have sex that it's a one-time thing, and stick to it.

    If you're really that desperate to get laid though, then the best places would be at gay clubs and bars. Personally I've always found it easy to hook up by talking to the gay guys at house parties and loading us both up with drinks. It's no secret that drinks can make that guy you're not interested in suddenly very appealing. Those types of places are the only places you're going to hook up with someone in a short space of time I think, it becomes significantly harder without that type of atmosphere.

    All the best.
     
  3. Owen

    In Loving Memory Full Member

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    If you're not going to compromise on that being what you need, your only option is some kind of sex toy. You've basically shut out every avenue that could lead to you having sex and explained why they're risks not worth taking just for sex. If you want more than sex with a sex toy, you're going to have to take one or more of the risks you're so afraid of.
     
  4. FranklinK

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  5. Owen

    In Loving Memory Full Member

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    Perhaps I should have been a bit more optimistic in my tone. :slight_smile:

    Let's look at your worries one by one.

    Why do you think you're not in a position to date or be in a relationship?

    That's fair. They work for some people, but due to all your hang-ups, they might be more stress than they're worth for you.

    This one stands out to me. It seems like you have a fear of letting other people get involved in your life and losing control. I don't know your history, so it might feel like a justified fear from your experience, but it's still one that you can work on. And if you can work on it, you'll have more options for finding ways to get your rocks off.

    That's also fair, but like Zaio said, you can always set clear boundaries and make it known that it'll be a one-time thing. You can also set those boundaries by saying "No" if they ever ask for sex again, and if they don't respect that, then they really aren't your friends.

    As long as you do wrap it and wrap it right, the risks will be minimal. Plus, there's a plethora of ways for you to have an enjoyable sexual experience with someone with minimal or even effectively no risk of STD contraction (mutual masturbation, frottage, using toys, etc.). As for your fear of developing feelings, there's no guarantee that you will feel anything for a guy you hook-up with, especially if you go into with the clear understanding that this is a one-time thing. But if you're that worried about developing feelings, that probably comes back to fear of letting other people into your life, which, again, is something you can work on. And I think it would be worthwhile for you to work on it.
     
  6. FranklinK

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    Well I got out of a horrible three year long relationship with my ex. Abuse - yadda yadda - the list goes on.

    I probably should just wait until I'm ready to be in a relationship to worry about having sex.
     
  7. PeteNJ

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    You had a 3 year abusive relationship.

    You won't get over that so easily. Give yourself time to process, to cry, to heal.

    Find some LGBT support groups to hang with. (I've now been to some that are all gay guys and some that are mixed gay men & women, they're very different, see what works for you).

    When you're ready to put yourself out there... you'll heal, you'll have love and sex.

    Peace