I'm feeling worse than ever... I think depression has really set in... I can't even be with my partner because she's in the US and my mom kept my passport. She told me that she'd rather see me die than to be this way. It's odd because some parents would rather tell their child to go away and leave the house... but in my case... I feel like a "prisoner"... They look at me with disgust and yet they don't want me to go anywhere. I really want to go away... Every night I cry... I just want to hold my partner but I can't... She's so far away... And if her mom knew... Things would be worse... Her mom can have hired men to kill me... I just know. I really need her so much... I just remembered that my passport is already expired but the visa is still there. It's really hard finding a job in the US that would sponsor a working permit... Now... it seems like there's nothing that anyone can say for me to feel better... I feel very suffocated everyday... My sadness already consumed me... People noticed this because I have never been this sad for an extend period. In fact, before... I always had a smile on my face... Now I just force myself to be happy or pretend to be happy but at the end of the day... I just stay in my room and cry... Feeling very helpless... I don't even mention anything to my parents anymore because my parents would just rage in anger.... And at this stage... There's no explaination that they would understand or even actually listen to... I won't force them because acceptance can't be forced... I just have to keep this face... I hope I survive... I keet on telling my partner how bad I feel... I even got sick for a number of weeks... And I have been very pale and lost weight because of this... But there's nothing much we can do... I only talk to her secretly because my parents won't allow me to have any communication with her anymore... If only I could have a way to reach her... I would do anything... Anything... Just to be with her again... I'm so desperate... I know... :icon_cry:
Hey ACO, Sorry to hear that things are going so badly for you. I wish I had the words to make you feel better(*hug*) . I suggest that you see a doctor for the depression problem. Even your parents should notice that your health is being affected and should have no objection to a visit (alone of course). Meanwhile, try to keep your strength and courage up. Your parents will wake up sooner or later. You definitely need a local friend or relative to confide in and provide some moral support, even via email. They can't keep you in prison forever. The day will come...
Hey aftercomingout, I read your post and a few things came to mind. Hope what I say helps you out. The first thing that I picked up was that you're an autonomous person. You've got a passport and a visa (and a partner!) in the US, and you're 21...but you're stuck at your parents house. You also said that you used to be a really happy person, much different to where you are at the moment. I'm guessing by your name that the depression really kicked in after you told your parents you were gay. Now more than ever you need your partner, and she's not there. You think back to the USA and compare it to whats happening where you are, and you start to feel stuck on the wrong side of the glass, and powerless to do anything about it. So here's my advice.. I think it's really beautiful how much you miss your partner and how much you obviously love her. Your parents are going through classic stages that many parents go through (hard to believe, I know -- but most of us have horror stories). But you're 21.. and it seems from your post you've been autonomous (and happier) before. I don't know your situation, but it would seem to me that you need to get back into the arms of your girlfriend. To do that you're going to have to quieten the sadness, and engage the logic part of your brain to figure out how you can do that. And get excited with every small step that you achieve towards your goal. It would probably send a strong message to your parents that you are old enough and capable enough to take responsibility for your life, and that they do not have the right to have the "veto" power. You'd also be showing them that you are sure about who you are, while giving them space to come to terms with it. It might even be a good thing for the relationship between you and your parents, too. One last thing.... know where your depression comes from -- where it began and why its there. Know the difference between that, and the things that you "incorporate" into your depression just because you're seeing everything through a depressive mindset. And... also know that you won't be like this forever. This isn't the real you, but you are depressed for a reason. There's a big difference. good luck x
