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Changed everything I thought I knew

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Onikamaraj14, Jan 8, 2013.

  1. Onikamaraj14

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    To some of you this won't matter at all to you and you won't care, but I'm about to pour my heart out here and I hope some of you very accepting people will help me, even though its not lgbt related.

    Me and my granddad were really close, we shared the same interests. He used to complete puzzles in books with me when I was young, take me out to the cinema, and watch toy story with me. He meant more to me than probably my own father and I've always kept him in my heart since he died in 2004. I was only 6 but I remember it like it was yesterday, and recently I've been considering coming out to a few people and I always thought of how proud he would be of me when I did that.

    Today my mum dropped a bombshell. I broke my toe recently, and we were checking it up at the fracture clinic. We were in the car on the way home and she told me her biggest secret because she thought I was ready. She told me he wasn't my biological granddad. I kept it together for her as he was a great father to her as well, and she was crying so much. He had deep blue eyes that my mother and I shared too, and to think they ddnt come from him broke my heart. Apparently my grandma was in a relationship with my biological grandfather, and when he found out she was pregnant, he left her. My own granddad met her two years later and they fell in live and got married, and he legally adopted her and she was then his own.

    My mum always wanted a big family, when she looked up her biological dad on Facebook, he was married with two kids, and four grand kids. She wept before me and I could do nothing but console her trying to hide my grief. Today I'd found out I had an aunt, an uncle, and four cousins. But not a granddad. His place etched a mark in my heart and he is, and always will be my granddad. My grandma doesn't want any of me or my sisters to know because she's afraid we'll think less of her, which we won't. My mum wants to contact him but I said to her "if he didn't want you then, he doesn't deserve you, me, the girls, granny or anyone, I live you and granddad Barry is your dad and my grandfather." That seemed to comfort her, now I wish someone could comfort me :'(
     
  2. PeteNJ

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    What a shock this must be to you.

    Every moment you had with your granddad, every memory deep in your mind are yours forever. The love he had for you, the bond, the closeness no one can take away. Its the most real thing you could have.

    Your Mom must trust and love you very much, and trust your maturity, to tell you all this.

    I'd say that both you and your Mum need to take a deep deep breath now. No need to rush into anything.

    First -- your grandma, whom you clearly love -- did your Mum tell her that she's found out this info and told you? Regardless, call her, tell her you love her. I think that lifting the family secret would bring you even closer, but that's only a call you can make.

    About your Mum contacting her bio father. That's her decision for yourself. And maybe, just maybe, you'll think about it for you, too.

    Let me tell you a personal story. My ex wife, with whom I have 2 kids, has been divorced and remarried (twice). At first it was strange for me to think my kids were visiting her and there'd be another man in their lives. Over time I got to know each of the guys (husband 2 & 3, I was 1) a bit. They were/are pretty good men. And good to the kids. They cared for my kids, had fun with them, bonded with them. Took some soul searching -- in the end, I realized, no person, no kid have too much love around them. No kid can ever have enough positive reinforcement and fun. They never took my place (and I respect them for that). They made life for my kids better. So maybe, just maybe, at some point - having more love, more caring, would be ok.

    BIG HUGS!!
     
  3. Aniot

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    I understand that you might be a bit down. But don't be :slight_smile:

    Family doesn't have to be the people that share the same blood, the same DNA or neither phylogenetic related with you. Family is who fulfill your heart and treats you as their own. Family is who you want to be, can be your brother, your sister, your mother, your father and even one of your best friends.

    Family is the person that makes you the best person in the world. And you grandpa make you fill that you. He may not share the same DNA or blood as you but he made you fill as his own, made you fill happy, teach you what life is. He is a better grandpa that your mother's father is, just because he us side by side with your grandma when she must needed, as he was so amazing with you.

    Really, don't be that sad. He was so amazing with you, he made you feel so unique and happy, don't you think he is an amazing grandpa (and I risk to say that maybe even better that what you think that your mother's father would be).

    He was amazing and even I can see that. Be happy and always remember him as your own and only grandpa.

    Hugs :slight_smile:
     
  4. Given To Fly

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    To me family is about more than bonds created though blood. As far as you are concerned, this loving man you remember fondly is your granddad - don't ever let go of that (*hug*)
     
  5. Wndy

    Wndy Guest

    He may not have been your biological grandfather, but it sounds like he was still your grandfather. Finding that someone else might also be called grandfather doesn't change that.

    As for whether your mom wants to contact this guy, that's her own decision.

    I know it's tough when a bombshell is dropped like this. But you'll be ok. (*hug*)
     
  6. Deaf Not Blind

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    Wow what a man! I hope he's in heaven with my grampa, who was my role model. I don't have a dad. Mom got pregnant was so embarrassed as we are Christian family. She couldn't raise me alone...didnt have a nice guy like your grampa to be my dad..i didn't get brothers or sisters or dad ever. Well, i did sorta. She told gramma and she said if i was not a fussy baby that we could move in. They built a bigger house, a room for me too. I was an all night sleeper! My grandpa was proud of me, claimed me as his own, taught me to fix cars and feed cows and all sorts of stuff I remmy. Then when I was 8 he died in an accident. My uncles did not visit, but I tried to take over some things a kid can. See, my grandpa was not my dad...but he was my Dad. I called him Papa. Your grandpa IS your grandpa. You are gay, if you marry and adopt kids, they will call you Dad...there is no greater reward you can give a man than the label of Father or Grandfather.