The truth is: not everyone finds love

I can't tell you how to find love, its not exactly something I have experience in. And I guess you're right, not everyone does find it. All I can say is to keep living, make friends and do what you do. If love comes, then thats great, but don't despair if it doesn't.

 

I can't really give advice but I have to agree, the real world is not like a romance novel where two people meet and they both live happily ever after (well it hasn't been for me anyway), I'm in my early 20's and I've never been in a relationship or even had sex (with a man or a woman). Like yourself I'm not unattractive or shy, it's just that every person I've ever felt anything for hasn't wanted me. Sometimes I worry that I'll end up being alone all my life and be that one guy who never gets with anyone... It really does get me down sometimes.

 

I totally understand you man. I had the same emotions before when I was straight but I got over that, and now that I am feeling confused with sexual identity, I think I'm gonna go down that road again. For all it's worth, you're a good writer. Maybe you should write you own erotic fiction.

 

To put it briefly, I don't think those stories are anything at all like reality. I love them too, but I do recognize that teenagers don't generally have that sort of thing. Remember that most of high school is spent dealing with grades, awkwardness, sports, and homophobia. The few amazing relationships that make it are certainly the exception rather than the rule.

This might even extend into the stories' existence. People who don't get that WANT it, so they make it themselves. Not that I've ever followed through on it, but I think about writing these scenarios frequently. You shouldn't despair because it hasn't happened to you. (*hug*)

Ending up a total virgin spinster by 60 is highly unlikely though. Just as you find yourself wanting others, those others want somebody too. It's not uncommon, and two people generally like each other enough in 99% of cases to get together and find out that they work out very well.

Source: ~5 years of dating despite being an introverted nerd shut-in.

 

Umm, finding a perfect adonis or aphrodite, with romantically wonderful love -- that's next to impossible.

Finding a wonderful, caring person to be with.... its very possible.

 

^^ totally agree ^^

When i was 17/18 i used to love reading these types of stories. Now I think..

1. I think these stories are very very unrealistic.

2. I also feel that the more we read these types of stories the more we want to try to attain something unattainable. Finding love is possible, finding an erotic love story's version of love, not so much.

Don't strive for A perfect love story, there isn't one. Strive to meet someone that will be YOUR perfect love story, even if it is not the same as the ones you read about in books.

 

Most of the stories we like are likable exactly because they are on the border of plausibility. But real life brings joys that are far better simply because they actually happen, in our own lives. It's fun watching James Bond movies, but if your dream is to be a cop, those movies will not make the job any worse. And it doesn't have to be James Bond either; it can be a real person, like in this case (if the story is true).

Sure, there are people who never got to be loved. It sounds horrible (I don't know, I'm still waiting, but I'm hopeful). But of these people, how many did really have no options? How many have actively turned those options away? All older single people that I know have some story in their past in which they chose the seemingly wrong route.

I don't believe there are many people who genuinely didn't have a chance. I think the main thing to do is to set your own mind on what you want. In our case, coming to terms with homosexuality is the major step; if it happens at thirteen, eighteen or thirty, all that matters is that it does happen. Now, whether someone two years younger is more experienced or successful or whatever, that's beside the point; there are always such people in anything you do.

 

You're 18! Stop worrying so much.

I understand how you feel. I would want a boyfriend right now more than anything in the world. Someone who I can spend time with openly. I've read of other people on here already having gay sexual relationships at 16 or 17. It's different for everyone. I'm not going to worry about it now.

 

I feel exactly as you do. I'm 19 and I know I have a lot ahead of me, but still... I can't stop this feeling of loneliness. I want to meet that someone now. I want to be wanted by those that I like. I can't just hide that under "it'll happen someday." This is an emotion that knows little patients; it can't wait.

It is overwhelmingly frustrating to time and time again fall in love with someone or at least like them a lot, and possibly be teased by them for awhile, only to find out that they have no interest of the same nature for you in return. Every... time...

It makes you wonder if you'll ever get the chance to experience that mutual desire; that sharing of feeling. But I think the key is to never give up. Promise yourself you won't ever stop believing that you'll find someone, and even when you get depressed and think about accepting "fate," just get on your feet again the next day and move forward. That's all I know how to do anyway.

 

I personally think that you will find someone,but lets act like what you are saying is true. Lets act like you will never be in a relationship ever.

What does being single for life mean?

There is this taboo in our society about being single for some bizarre reason. Like our whole lives are just meant to find our "other half" and be happy, and for some reason the media and many societies act like you can't be happy unless you have a partner and kids, which is complete bullshit.

So, if you are going to be single for the rest of your life, then make it fucking worth it! Find your passion and dedicate yourself to it, find an amazing group of friends, be close to your family, dedicate your life to others, and make an awesome single life for yourself. It doesn't mean you have to be lonely, it just means you don't have a partner. That's all.

There are great people out there that have done amazing things while staying single and they love their lives. Go be one of them

 

My religion forbids my homosexuality. And although i would like to find love im realistic that my beliefs and desires will constantly clash. So although i live in hope of finding a partner, i do have a bsck up plan in case i remain single. I want to travel to Africa to work in an orphanage. Its in Gods hands

 

I think both extremes can be dangerous.

Doe-eyed optimism "I'm sure Mr right is out there! I just have to wait until he crosses my path!" can lead to refusing to see problems, or to get stuck crushing on every guy that comes along, or even to just shutting yourself in, and trusting on destiny to give you the partner of your dreams. Long-term, it can lead to massive frustration if you don't get perfection handed to you.

Pessimism "I am not ever going to meet someone who loves me back, I just know it!" can have a similar effect. It can lead to shutting yourself in, and not allowing anyone to get closer. It can lead to seeing problems as insurmountable where they really aren't. It can lead to anger and resentment, which isn't going to win you any partners.


Truth is: yeah, some people will get a nice relationship without much adversity. Some will have difficulties, or not get there at all.


But (apart from Edends point about relationships not being the point of life), there is also this:

There is no way of knowing for sure what is in store for you.

So... acting as if you know is only going to be counterproductive. Small and large opportunities may or may not come, but all you can do is being on the lookout and treating each one as an entirely new one to tackle.



An other answer is also this: simple statistics. If the average age to date is X, you'll always find people who are outliers. This guy you read about might just be on the end of the curve where he got a good shot earlier. Personally, I seem to be on the later end, as it seems life is only throwing shots at me as I get closer to 30. But statistics are impersonal, and only say something about averages. Which means the above about just taking chances as they come still applies.

 

The getting laid part is definitely not hard, I've pulled about 13 guys just simply because it's so easy to do so, however I've never had an actual relationship yet.

Would I be interested in a relationship? I wouldn't exactly mind being in one, but I'm not particularly interested in one. Due to my past, for a lack of better phrase, people bore me. I'd prefer to be independent anyway, which is why if I did get into a relationship, I wouldn't be attaching myself quickly.

I think people desperate for relationships are generally always people who have never had one, because it seems new and exciting.

However, despite all this, if you're still desperate for a relationship then that won't help. When you're 'desperate' per se, your pheromones can actually change to let out a different scent. This desperation scent is generally considered repulsive, so by craving a relationship, you're indirectly making the chances of getting one lower. Biology messed up there I think.

All the best.

 

While it's true you're not magically guaranteed to find someone, statistically it's fairly probably that there are plenty of people who you could, and who could possibly love you. The crucial thing is how many you expose yourself too. I don't just mean getting out and about, talking to people, I mean actually taking risks and trying to get to know people better. Try to join clubs, go to events related to your interests, talk to people. Then, when you meet someone who's interesting, open up to them. I don't know if you're like me, but one thing that always held me back with making new friends was that although I'm confident in social situations, it's an illusion. I have a tendency to act like what I expect the person would find interesting, rather than being myself, and actually letting them see the real me. I've learned that in order to start up good relationships with people that are actually interesting to me, I've got to just be myself, even if they might find me weird.

 

Sometimes I found myself thinking about those love problems. But you know what? I'm still to find a relationship and someone who will want to be with me. And I don't worry that much about that. There will be one time, sooner than you think, when someone will love you and you will love him to and you will know that the waiting worth every single day. Believe me. Don't worry that much about that. Be happy alone while you can xD

 

I'm sorry GingerGuy. I'm realistic mostly, but I have to beleive that you are wrong. Optimism is what keeps me going. Take that away from me, and you'll be left with just an empty shell.

 

Well there is such a thing as being too open too soon. When I say take risks and be yourself, I mean sort of a blend of maintaining a socially acceptable persona in public, but letting people in gradually. You don't want to dump every single "weird interest"/thought on a person you've just met, but you do want to let them see you as you really are. Start things normally, talk about shit everyone likes, then test the waters by mentioning some of your more geeky/"weird" interests; if the person doesn't seem perturbed, keep going, gradually talking more and more about things you're really interested in. That way you can get a fairly accurate idea early on how the person will react.

I understand what you're feeling too, but I think you might not fully understand your feelings. I may be wrong, but I think what you want more than anything is someone who cares about you, who can see the real you and like what they see. Love, in essence. Sex is great, and I'm no prude, I'm sure sex outside of relationships is nearly as great as sex in a relationship (not my thing, but I'm not one to shame people about things like that). However, it would lack the same closeness you'd have if you were truly in love with each other, not just attracted to each other. The difference is that sex with a person who's hot feels great, but it's a fleeting pleasure.

 

Heh. At least you have the desire and potential for such things. Not so for some people.