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dealing with Father

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by unknownerror, Jan 9, 2013.

  1. unknownerror

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    So I came out to my Father at the end of November (as detailed in this thread) In coming out to him I asked him to keep my confidence, that not everyone yet knows...

    this evening I got a text from him asking when he can stop being dishonest.

    there were so many things wrong with that statement I was very angry...but I decided to push a little. I asked "dishonest about what?" he replied "guess" because as I surmised he couldn't bring himself to say it.

    now I know I need to be patient, that coming out to a loved one can be a difficult thing for them as well...but I got so upset which I admit is in part because he is a good part culpable in my hiding my true self 25 years ago.

    I tried to explain to him rationally without really raising my voice (after a few obviously heated texts from me, he called) but it got more and more difficult as he continued to prove his ignorance....at one point he tried to relate to me through an anecdote about a former lesbian coworker that he referred to as a dyke.....:bang:

    trying to explain things to him seems pointless and just makes me want to pull further away from him, but he really doesn't need that from one of his few children that still bother to communicate with him....



    does anyone have any support or advice (it IS the support and advice forum after all) in how to deal with this? sigh.....having a child for a parent is difficult :icon_sad:
     
  2. Trames

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    I'm probably never coming out to my father, so I'm not sure I should be trying to give you any advice. But, one thing that you should keep in mind is that you've had two decades to come to terms with being gay. Your father has had two months. You pretty much nailed it, you've got to be patient.

    I know what it's like to have a father who displays his ignorance constantly, using words like dyke, hookers, junkies and queers all in one sentence. He may be a reason you hid your sexuality 25 years ago, but that was then and this is now. If I were to come out to my dad, I know I would have to say please ask me any questions you are afraid to ask, please give me time to answer them, and please listen to my answers. I would also have to be prepared to understand his devastation and be prepared to lose him.

    If your father is willing to engage with you then that's a good sign. You still have a channel of communication open. So use it. Do your best not to lose your temper (even when he is saying hurtful things or trying to press your buttons) and patiently keep trying to communicate. Try to empathize with him and look at things for his point of view, even if he is being unreasonable.

    I didn't stop hating myself for being into guys until I was 38. If I came out to my dad and he didn't talk to me for 27 years, I wouldn't blame him.

    I don't quite get what your father has to be dishonest about (unless somebody is asking him something like why you're not married), but it doesn't matter. You told another adult something in confidence. It doesn't matter if its you being gay, a hot stock tip, or aliens landed in your backyard. If he's been anti homosexual his who life and he's now rushing to tell people about his gay son, then there might be something else going on?

    I applaud your courage. Good luck.
     
  3. Deaf Not Blind

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    Well in the Bible it says "a gentle word turneth away wrath." I have tested that to see if it is true, and many times it does indeed work.

    The key things you have here is a father who after you came out as gay did not shut you out completely, and for a time was willing to not tell anybody you are gay.

    Now you must indeed be the bigger man. If your relationship is important to your future happiness, then you must do a big part in keeping it together right now. No it may not be fair, or equal, but at least you have some control.

    As the poster said above, be calm not letting your feelings on the subject overshadow your need to get your message across. Try to think ahead how you would handle a word or phrase that he may say, try to perhaps ignore some of them for now as it is a lot to change and can't happen over night. Put yourself into his shoes as if an actor playing a part, and see if you can figure out his thinking process. It will take a long time to undo a lifetime of thoughts about you...

    I have almost fully come out to mom now, I have not flat out said I am transgender and I may not marry a man mom, I may instead take T and have surgeries and become your loving SON! I have however been talking this vacation off and on about all sorts of LGBTQ things, and she has been honest to me on many of them...and brings stuff up like homosexuals in a cab or a transwoman at a cafe or my cousin was born intersex.

    I think your father feels if you are being honest to him about being gay, why should he be told by you to tell others you are straight...or not be allowed to say you are gay to gramma or auntie ellen, etc. He does not know that coming out to him was hard, and that you want the right to come out to others you both know...not him gossiping it. He won't undy, he is straight. You have to be more patient and gentle and kind now then ever before if you want it to really work well.

    And I bet you can do it too.
     
  4. alex408

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    I totally agree with Trames