This may be long, but here goes: I need some advice from my lovely fellow ECers, because I'm sort of in an odd situation. Here are the facts. The background: I identified as bi throughout high school and early college, but was always in a relationship with a guy (which were never totally sexually fulfilling). During my last relationship (about 2 years ago), I realized I was no longer attracted to men, and have identified as gay since. In that time, I've had two short relationships with women, and slept with two more (one time only things with friends). The physical: For 6 years, I was having sex at the very least once a week, usually more. Now, it's been almost 9 months, and my body is going into overdrive. The emotional: I've always had straight male friends, and been "one of the guys", even though I'm quite feminine in appearance (not so much in personality). Recently, one of my friends and I have gotten really, really close. I'm very comfortable with him, and I care about him a great deal. He's been single and sexless for a little longer than I have, so when we hang out we tend to be very affectionate towards, simply because we miss the human contact. Emotionally, because I don't have THAT much experience with women, I still find them intimidating as all hell. Guys, on the other hand, are EASY. They're safe and comfortable to me. The situation: Over the last few days, we've been especially affectionate when we're alone, and although he would never push anything, I could tell that he wanted to hook up. He's always been very vocal about being attracted to me, but a number of my other friends do that too, and I've never really thought much of it. Tonight, he admitted having feelings for me (which again, a few of my other friends do too- 4, to be exact). He's a good looking guy, but I'm not sexually attracted to him...because I'm not sexually attracted to guys. I don't think I'd be able to do anything below the waist with a guy again...but when we're snuggling, I do get the urge to kiss him. I'd much prefer it be a woman, but at this point I just crave that connection so badly that it barely matters. My interpretation: I think the combination of our really close bond, my feeling of safety with guys and the fact that neither of us have had sex in so long means that we're both dying to be with SOMEBODY. It appears that in this situation, 'somebody' extends to this guy. I'm really up front about everything, so I've discussed this all with him. He understands and agrees with my interpretation, and acknowledges the fact that we won't be sleeping together, and that I may even back out as soon as our lips meet. He says at most, we could have a friends with benefits thing, but it's fine if it's a one time deal too. I'm not worried about any sort of ramification on our relationship. I'm still good friends with several of my exes, and friendly with the rest. Plus, I'll be going back up to college in a few weeks, so whatever does happen wouldn't continue for long. We've sort of left it as "whatever happens, happens", but I feel like if we keep hanging out alone together, being affectionate, it's inevitable that we'd hook up. Even though he says he's totally fine with all of this, a part of me still knows I'd feel guilty for not being able to give him what he really wants. What should I do? Should I just go for it, or try and find a girl that I truly want to be with for more than just desperation management? :help:
I have had relationships with women that work exactly this way. I get close to a girl, with her full-well knowing who I am, and we snuggle, kiss, flirt, spend tons of time together, etc. I don't have a strong urge to go below the waist with them either, and it is very frustrating for them. I feel like both parties are benefitting, as you said, but neither party is actually happy because of the lack of/demand of physical interaction below. Last spring, I got very close to a female co-worker, and we got pretty serious one night. We messed around and made out for over an hour, then she was so revved up that she wanted to go all the way. She became angry, and edging on violent, when I kept insisting that it wasn't going to happen. We had a HUGE blowout after that and it was 6 months before I saw her again.. It sucks bc I really enjoyed her company, the relationship aspect, and I had never been so physically comfortable with a woman before. I thought she could be someone I could actually be in a relationship with. I sometimes wonder if she had been more patient, that maybe I could develop the confidence to go 'downtown', and maybe I'd be able to fit in with my family. My imagination is tricky. I formulate ideas that fix, or piece, situations such that a social problem can be resolved, only to confuse the ideas with reality. I think imagination does play a part in constructing reality, but sometimes my imagination builds bridges that lack roads. I wish that night didn't happen sometimes, although I had multiple revelations at the expense of a dear friendship. Question your motives and weigh your options.
I can totally understand where you're coming, but I think it'd be a bad idea to hook up. Now, the other stuf is fine, but once you cross that boundary there's no going back. I'm glad that you're both on the same page, but what if things become awkward? I've minimally enjoyed sex with men; it was mainly to keep them satisfied, while I was going through my questioning phase. I kinda based all of my relationships on sex, which is bad I know, but I most definitely prefer being with a woman over a man. I've been lonely too and if I wanted to hook up with a guy, I could. However, it'd be for his benefit, not mine. Afterwards, I'd feel used and completely unsatisfied, which defeats the purpose. I think it's okay to go for it, but only if you know for sure things will not change between the two of you. I mean, look at the men/women who are imprisoned and are not gay/bi, yet they have sex with the same sex because it's convenient. And once they're home, they never engage it that type of sexual behavior again, although I'm sure some do. The point I'm trying to make is that, it's easy and convenient for both you and him. I think you should think about it some more, because I've lost many good friendships over things like this. My friend who's bisexual/female often hints around about hooking up, but I can't do it. It's just meaningless sex and I'm looking for love. I'm guilty of being with women whom I'm not attracted to just to feel sexually satisfied. It's hard finding women in my area, so believe me, I feel your frustration. You can still be primarily homosexual, yet if the right guy comes along then maybe. That's why it says I'm homoflexible--gosh I dislike that word. But since I've come to accept myself entirely, I'm no longer sleeping with men. I mean, he would have to be one of a kind. And I think I've lead too many guys on even though I was always up front about how I felt. I guess they thought once we had sex, I'd be swept off of my feet or something. Which lead to ruined friendships, so sleep on it and let me know what you decide even though I know it's personal.
I should mention that I don't mean to say that the situation you're in is related to being in prison. But sexual behavior doesn't dictate sexual orientation. I, myself am a 5 on the Kinsey scale, but too be honest I think labels often restrict us from doing what we please in regards that we kinda care about what people think of us. Like, I have kids and every time I come out, people say "How can you have kids if you're truly gay." I'm the only one who can define who I am, no one else. And if you want to be with this amazing/understanding friend then, go for it. It's not like you're going to go get married tomorrow
So, we did wind up making out for quite a bit tonight, and I'm still pretty conflicted. My mind was right back where it had been during my last few male relationships: "no, this is wrong, I wish I was with a woman instead. God I hate facial hair, God I wish there were more boobs in this equation. I need soft skin and curves, where did they go?", but physically I was so desperate to be with SOMEBODY that it was pretty enjoyable. Again, I explained all of this to him and he is totally understanding and will be supportive of my decision no matter what.
I was in a similar situation this past summer with a girl. I don't know why, but I really enjoyed her company. I'm not sexually attracted to girls, but me being close to her turned me on a little. I only like masculine features, muscular/athletic guys, and the smell of a guy. Can't stand perfume. Yet I enjoyed being close with this very feminine, petite girl. Don't stress it. Do what feels comfortable. I was very comfortable around this girl and you may find yourself very comfortable around this guy. Sometimes our preferences can go out the window temporarily if we are desperate for closeness. If you have no desire to go below the waist, you don't have to!
