Hi. I'm 17 and have been suffering for 9 months. I believe I am bi or gay. Merely due to the fact that I done oral with a cousin at age 14/15 then at 16 like 8 times altogether. Touching a penis was odd id rather touch my own. I tried to kiss him and thought id like it but I cringed as I was about to ejaculate I turned my back to him. I have been watching porn since 11, and eventually escalated into animal porn and worse. I started seeing myself as the female in porn and became bi curious to see how a penis felt orally so I tried auto Fellatio but failed. At 16 he showed me his genitals and said is it big and i took this oppurtunity to experiment and i did. While doing oral i felt so weird. After i stopped i cried till morning and couldn't accept what i did and thought it was disgusting yet the submission and tabbooness seemed good so i tried to in the morning but backed odd immediatly it felt wrong now i know gays feel like this too. I during this time i had a gf who i told i was bi. I was so happy but i felt so guilty from my younger days and i felt like i was carrying a package and no one would date me because of what i did. We got sexual and i loved touching her yet she wouldn't go further than touching she cheated on me and left me due to the experimentation i was so broken i would beg her to take me back but she didn't. In the midst of recovery i didn't care about what i was doing i was hurt i gave a bj to him a couple of times but again very uncomfortable and depressing. I wanted him to give me one but he didn't. He tried it once and just seeing a guys face on my thing felt so odd so i stopped it. I knew i had to be bi. But i started craving a girl and the depression and guilt from this was too heavy so i found a girl and told her of my past we dated and was sexually intimate i reaaly enjoyed it in the moment and didn't feel guilty or depressed. She cheated 4 times so it ended. I started getting lonely depressed and situated with the memories but i also developed ED. When i watched girls in porn i felt so happy and excited yet my penis would take a while getting erected but as soon as i watched a gay porn that reminded me what i done i got aroused yet i tried to put myself in the position of the guy giving oral and i couldn't i felt disgusted yet i got an erection. I thought im hay and in deep denial. The past 6 months im doing everything to find out my real orientation or accept my homosexuality. Its gotten to the point where i would tell strangers in the public im gay to see my reaction but yet would check out girls. I wrote im gay on my body and looked at in the mirror everyday for a week but still nothing being gay seemed wrong i wanted to be able to be with girls but what if im gay. Everytime i thought about not being with girls i cried. I watched the notebook and felt i want that i want a girl like that and my worries about being gay were gone. I have never had a crush on a guy but if i am gay or bi why am i suddenly disgusted by my past why do i feel bad why can't i accept my orientation why am i happy when i believe or say im straight.
Social expectations in general. Religious views. Feeling the 'normality' of being 'straight'. Familial disappointments, among other reasons. You're also putting pressure on yourself by trying to define your own orientation - we're all different. I woudn't like to define you because there's more to it than it meets the eye. At the end of the day, you're the only person who knows who you are. You're also young - hormones might be playing a role in your confusion. You have a lot of time to dig deep and explore your inner self - TAKE your time. Best of luck on your journey.
If you enjoy being with girls, and not guys, I think you have found your answer. Nothing wrong with experimenting, but just because you were curious doesn't make you automatically gay. Maybe you are bi to some degree, with a preference for girls - I really wouldn't worry about pinning a label on yourself - just stick with what feels right. Best of luck
When I was in the sixth grade I started puberty. Several guy friends at diffrent times wanted to fool around. I did with my best friend first and freaked out after I sucked him for a short time. Then by the end of that year the school bully who lived in my neighborhood got me to do it and he came and I really freaked out. Though I dated girls through high school which never felt right to me being I have always been female inside. I did that for him from sixth to twelth grade. I actually looked foward to doing it for him after the first few times. As stupid as this sounds I had been told cum was deadly and actually thought I was going to die the first time with him. Silly I know! He ended up my first boyfriend till I was 20. Reading your post sure brought back that at first I felt a lot of the same thoughts. I was brought up Baptist and gay was a no no. So I was in denial and felt guilty for years, but I sure looked foward to playtime with him. Only you will know what is right for you. Don't get so hung up on labels. I was branded gay and it took till recently to figure out I am really transgendered. I never fit into the gay world and spent many unhappy years feeling like a freak. Had I known sooner I would have had my body fixed to match my spirit.
