EmptyClosets played a big role when I came out many years ago. I lost connection (and forgot my username), but today I am facing something and I know this community will be able to help. I have a friend at work, let's call him Aaron, and we have now we been working together for almost 4 years now. Just to try and explain our relationship: We're the same age (24), we get along very well, have gone out together, even talk about personal stuff. So, we are more than just "work friends", however I am not interested in him romantically, or sexually so to speak, but I do care for him. At work everyone knows I'm gay, including Aaron, and no one gives a crap. As long as I've known Aaron he's always been prone to bouts of depression, but recently it seemed to have gotten worse. I thought it might have something to do with our boss coming down on him quite hard and him looking for a change in career. However, today I discovered something about him. I was browsing a certain online gay dating site and I found him there! I know this does not definitely mean he is gay, but I feel it could have something to do with his depression. I keep my profile picture hidden, so I doubt he knows that I'm on there. Now my question to the wise on here. What do I do? I really want to help him, but he doesn't know that I know... At the moment, the best I can think of is to just be there for him, but I want him to know that it's okay to be gay, and if he wants to talk, I will be there for him! PS: My gaydar tingled the first time I met him, but I thought it was just a glitch, seems like not.
Since you two sound very close, I'm going to assume you've already assured him that you're there for him if he needs support and/or have asked about his recent behavior and whether anything in particular has been bothering him. Unfortunately, I don't have any personal experience when it comes to these areas, but I imagine the best and most appropriate course of action is just to reassure him of the above without trying to pry into his affairs. If he is struggling with his sexuality I'd just say that he'll confide in you when he's ready, considering that how good of friends you are with one another along with the fact that you're already out to him. Whatever he's going through right now and however it turns out, I hope your friend can work on his depression and that he'll be alright.
Similar to what Josh said, I would just voice my concerns to him. Not necessarily anything about being gay or that you feel he might be, but that you've noticed he's been quite down/depressed lately and that he can talk to you about anything free from judgement. There isn't really much else you can do I don't think without being a bit more "pushy" on the subject.
Thanks guys, I appreciate the support. It's just that (like most of us) went through the agony of our sexuality alone, I don't want him to suffer. I am just worried how I might react when I see him at work again. Just stay cool and act normal, I guess
I'm not familiar with this type of conversation so others might want to correct me, but would it be a good idea to say that given the judgement you've received about your sexuality, you understand the desire to keep things hidden. But that you keep an open mind about everything and if there's anything he wanted to talk about he could confide in you. And no matter what, reassure him that the conversation won't leave the room.
^ Exactly. At most maybe subtly suggest that you may know what's bothering him, but in a way that basically just assures him he can talk to you about anything. I can understand the desire of wanting to reach out to someone you suspect is going through the same thing, but speaking from personal experience, I'm sure you know how terrifying it can be to think of anyone knowing you're attracted to the same sex. If he is questioning his sexuality, there's a good chance that he'll want to talk with you, if he doesn't already. So there's no need to pressure him more than necessary, just give him some time.
What ever you do, don't force him out. That won't be good for anyone. Just take it at his pace, and like everyone else said, let him know you're there for him.
