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Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

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Old 10th Jan 2013, 05:56 PM   #1
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I hate

I'm feeling like shit because I've gotten it from so many angles at this point I don't even know how else to express my total frustration and am gonna rant and it will be long but I need to get it out. Trigger Warning for those who are trans. And if you're early in transition please don't read and if you do please know feeling at home in your own body is still totally worth all the struggle even though it can get way hard at times.

I HATE people who are misogynistic towards trans women, I hate that even here on EC there's people who speak callous/unsympatheticly about trans issues, I hate that this site that is otherwise awesome is still not as safe and comforting for me since I'm not just gay or questioning orientation but trans, I hate that my own gay community loves trans men but is way skeptical of trans women, I hate that my trans community is trans misogynistic just like the gay community, I hate that my cafab and genderqueer co-facilitator for our student trans group uses the word tranny,

I hate it that they think it's okay for any trans person to say trany and not just trans women even after I've explained why and how it's been trans women that have been it's main targets and that it exists due to trans misogyny, I hate that other trans people will try to appropriate the experiences of trans women and especially the experiences of trans woman that aren't white, I hate that I don't get listened to in my queer community at large for being a woman and especially for being a woman that's trans, I hate that no one knows/cares about trans women and the compton riots that happened before stonewall, I hate that trans women's role at stonewall is minimized or glossed over sometimes even though those women were pivotal in why stonewall happened and how it happened,

I hate it that after I fled my appartment in the spring due to an incident with dangerous roommates I felt too scared to go to a homeless shelter being a trans woman, I hate that I'm left in sheer, miserable, agony about my gender dysphoria sometimes, I hate the widespread abuse that's in the medical community, I hate that it's hard to find treatment in the first place, I hate the unfair gatekeeping standards the WPATH sets that are barriers to treatment, I hate it that dysphoria can make me want to die and I hate wondering how long I can stay alive before I get more treatement than what I have, I hate that there's so much uncertainty surrounding if or what surgical treatments I'll be able to get, I hate all the legal hoops I have to jump through, I hate that dating is so much more difficult for me than most, I hate that I internalized what it was to be a good little girl when I was a kid and then had that verbally/physicaly punished by boys who had internalized male messages and felt comfortable punishing my femininity, I hate it that my womanhood is under constant scrutiny, I hate it that my life is filled with near constant risk of some sort related to my gender,

I hate that I can't make use of so many women's only spaces like crisis shelters for either false or misogynistic reasons, I hate it that with the exception of trans woman of color I face some of the highest rates of violence/discrimination of anyone in the lgbt community, hate it that I pay such a high cost for being a woman and I hate it that sometimes all these things make me feel like my life is FUCKED.

Last edited by person54; 10th Jan 2013 at 06:00 PM..
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Old 10th Jan 2013, 07:46 PM   #2
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Re: I hate

Hi person54,

As a gay man I wouldn't even begin to compare my struggles with yours. I freely admit that I don't know very much about trans issues. You have made it clear in your post that they are formidable. I am very sorry that you are struggling so much and are in such pain.

It may not mean much but please know that there are people out there who do care about you, even if you don't know who they are. I truly hope that some of them find you.
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Old 11th Jan 2013, 12:35 AM   #3
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Re: I hate

I agree that having gender identity disorder is hard most of the time. there really should be a better understanding of it. What I hate the most is how everyone thinks of a "stereotypical" transgender as a "chick with a dick" or as some sort of slut. I get that a lot from my friends and I hear worse comments from others in my school. what needs to be understood is that we are real people who suffer from a medical condition. The lack of understanding doesn't help when everyone else makes you feel like Sh** when you already feel like Sh**. I guess the only thing that can be done is to go one person at a time. As for here on EC I haven't seen many comments like you say. That being said I do believe there are some out the because I have seen a few before but that was just a few people and not everyone. To be honest there are a few people who actually say stuff that make up for the few comments that are bad.

I'm sorry about how your life has turned out so far and I hope it all gets better for you
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Old 11th Jan 2013, 07:57 PM   #4
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Re: I hate

Yeah it's usually something that I see occur in the LGBT News section and it's fairly common for some really bad things to be said in there and I think from different people too.

I know what you mean about the slut thing. Women and especially trans women get objectified and sexualized so much. It makes me way nervous to talk to my friends about sex as freely as they will since I don't wanna reinforce that stereotype but at the same time it's like, um okay I'm a human sometimes I want to.

Thanks for the replies as well.
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Old 12th Jan 2013, 08:44 AM   #5
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Re: I hate

Hello PERSON54,

I was wondering if there has been anything good at all from your experience. If so I'd like to read about it as well. I'm a self-identified gay man with many female friends and a close bond with my mom. And one thing I realized is that some of (if not all) the things you mentioned is what makes a Woman a Woman. The struggle, the pain, the greif, the burden, the heart ache. And she still keeps her head up no matter what. Women are beautiful because of that. But you say you hate those things. Those things are what make a woman what she really is. A warrior of love.

I love you for your strenght. And also to challenge you to become that missing link in the trans community. To be that voice for people in situations like yours. So they have someone to look up to. I certainly believe in you.

Hope I've helped in some way. Best of luck to you.

-Alex
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Old 12th Jan 2013, 02:47 PM   #6
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Re: I hate

Quote:
Originally Posted by alex408 View Post
Hello PERSON54,

I was wondering if there has been anything good at all from your experience. If so I'd like to read about it as well. I'm a self-identified gay man with many female friends and a close bond with my mom. And one thing I realized is that some of (if not all) the things you mentioned is what makes a Woman a Woman. The struggle, the pain, the greif, the burden, the heart ache. And she still keeps her head up no matter what. Women are beautiful because of that. But you say you hate those things. Those things are what make a woman what she really is. A warrior of love.

I love you for your strenght. And also to challenge you to become that missing link in the trans community. To be that voice for people in situations like yours. So they have someone to look up to. I certainly believe in you.

Hope I've helped in some way. Best of luck to you.

-Alex
What I hate are the challenges that I face that are specific to being trans. I go through most of the same things a cis woman does due to sexism and while you're right there's a similarity in that they face widespread systematic oppresion and it isn't fair or fun to deal with but the stuff that's related to the intersectionality of being trans and a woman gets daunting.

I am actually involved in activism right now as a co leader of our trans group and I'll be even more involved with our activism in the near future, but no matter how resielent you are the world's gonna get you down sometimes. And for a trans woman the topic of discrimination that is specific to being trans and the intersectionality of also being a woman is really hard to get others to listen to you about. Probably a part of why I can get so frustrated and I know that my being a co-leader is fueled by 1/2 necissity of having someone help and the other half my being a token trans girl, and while normally I'm super nice, kind and non confrontational I will definetly not be a reserved and good little girl if I think people aren't being fair towards the women in our community but I have less clout than the other people for me being a trans woman.

And yeah there's great things, like I said in my little warning to early transitioners it's still totally worth it somehow.

I like thinking about the future, I want to be alive (most of the time), being able to just be happy for extended periods of time as long as I take really good care of myself, ability to look in mirrors without disgust, feeling like your body is not some disgusting foreign tool only to be used to move through the world, a numbness/lack of sensitivity to joy or sorrow is lifted and life feels so much more rich to live, it's like you were never really there before but now you are, friendships actually feel really rewarding and meaningful now that they see me for who I really am, with people I knew from my past, when I see them again it's like I've always known them but am meeting them for the first time ever all at the same time and it feels really incredible in a way that's sorta indescribable, cute guys being interested in me (without being jerks about it either), knowing that somehow despite all the challenge and struggle I'm somehow still alive at the end of the day and symbolicly by doing that saying "fuck you I am who I am and I'll never compromise that for anything if I can help it" to patriarchy/society/bigots.
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Old 12th Jan 2013, 04:18 PM   #7
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Re: I hate

I also just wanted to clarify that while I'd love to take credit for being a brave I'm no sure I feel I am all the time. Most of the time I feel like I'm in the hunger games metaphoricly speaking, I randomly have this really hard situation that I didn't choose, and while I'm fighting as hard as I can to make it, I'm still fighting not because I'm choosing to be brave and compete but because I don't feel like I have any other option.

And yeah all the responses have felt good to hear.
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Old 15th Jan 2013, 12:34 AM   #8
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Re: I hate

Hello again,

Your last posts were much more positive and energetic than the previous one. Now I understand you 1000 times more then I did the other day. I can sympathize with you now. Thanks for sharing your hardship. It does not go un-noticed. Let us not forget a few things:

1. People fear what they do not understand. Just knowing this helps us not take things to personal and enables each one of us to have compassion for everyone.

2. When we hate (i prefer the word dislike) nouns it really means its something we don't like about ourselves. So it's important to look at that and see how we could balance those things in our lives to become better, more whole, peoples.

Thanks again for sharing. Best of luck and wishes.

-Alex
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Old 15th Jan 2013, 08:10 PM   #9
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Re: I hate

Quote:
Originally Posted by alex408 View Post
Hello again,

Your last posts were much more positive and energetic than the previous one. Now I understand you 1000 times more then I did the other day. I can sympathize with you now. Thanks for sharing your hardship. It does not go un-noticed. Let us not forget a few things:

1. People fear what they do not understand. Just knowing this helps us not take things to personal and enables each one of us to have compassion for everyone.

2. When we hate (i prefer the word dislike) nouns it really means its something we don't like about ourselves. So it's important to look at that and see how we could balance those things in our lives to become better, more whole, peoples.

Thanks again for sharing. Best of luck and wishes.

-Alex
1. Writing every stare, whistle, sexual inuendo, pointing and laughing off as oh there's something they just didn't understand isn't the most realistic thing in the world. I think those things change you or impact you, just like bullying in school probably does. Actions/words have consequences and that mean things can hurt regardless of intention or understanding in my opinion.

2. I think I disagree, I feel hate or dislike is totally justified in a lot of cases and it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.
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