Hello! So I have a pretty long story to tell. Here it goes. My problem is that im afraid I might be gay. And do know I do not think less of gays or anyone else on this planet we are all just the same. So why do I have these thoughts? Well my suspicions did not start from noticing that I fall in love with guys or such. It all started when I was together with my ex girlfriend that I wasn't really in love with. And that is not because I cant feel in love or crush on a girl its just because I didnt fall in love with this one because I didn't really feel we connected I however stayed with her anyway because beeing in love with love itself. I always had problems getting an erection in the beginning when I meet a new girl but that is not however(what I know?) because I am not attracted to them, its more because I have low self-esteem and are kind of shy. Once I feel completely safe with a person and dont feel that she would leave me just because im bad in bed it works. So in the beginning when I was meeting this girl I had that same problem but after like a month it passed and we had really good sex for a while. I did not however later on didn't really feel like I could be completely myself with her. I couldn't show her my softer parts cause everytime I did she acted disgusted by me and told me something like that, so I felt she wanted like a "bad-boy" and this wasn't me I felt. So what I did is I just stopped doing these soft things and tried to be who she wanted. I also at that time had alot of friends who were just the same like her, that I couldn't be completely myself with either and had to hide the softer or more woman-like feelings of me. (like listening to "girl"-music or watching romantic movies). At this time I was also smoking alot of weed. So what happened is that these guys I was hanging out with I started to know better and they started to be mean to me sometimes, and I had never experienced that before and didn't really understand if they really were or if I were just paranoid from the weed. So then I started to overanalyzing everything and thought everything everyone said was an undercover indication on me beeing soft or a disgusting person, or nerd or whatever. I continued smoking weed and got more and more paranoid about what people said and started to really stop understanding what I really liked and did not like and kind of lost grip of what was reality and not. And this resulted in me not trusting in myself anymore and rather listening to what other people said about me and took that in as my real truth. Then I wanted to tell a friend about this and he was one of the guys im talking to, though the closest of them and we are still friends. And what he said when I told him I have something to tell him was, "oh, are you gay?" and since then I have been paranoid I am. Or woundering if i am. But then i told him i was paranoid and blabla and such and life went on, with me smoking more weed getting more and more paranoid and staying together with this girl and loosing myself more and more. It all resulted in my having alot of angst and I probably completely lost myself and every opinion I ever had. We were together for 3,5 years and when it ended i felt so bad i could barely breath. I remember me thinking allready after like 6 months, damn this girl is not for me I should break up with her but I just couldn't, i was to afraid of beeing alone and I think i have separation angst from my father leaving when i was 12. you could say it took me 3 years to make her brake up with me. So now I thought well now I can fuck other girls and I tried to just a few weeks after we broke up. But then back to square one, i couldn't get an erection again, even though i thought it would be gone after this long sexual relationsship. And it is like this with every girl i keep meeting. So about why I cant let go of the feeling that I might be gay. I have always my entire life had a lot of different crush on girls och sexual thoughts about girls and i couldn't even come close to counting all of them, i remember to jerking off to teachers asses they stood showing whilst writing on the white board and fantasising about them beeing really horny. I had never ever thought a thought about me beeing gay before my friend said that(well okay to be honest i had though "oh shit what if im gay" but i mean isnt that something everyone thinks growing up just because you dont know yet? i didnt really have anything to base that on, it was just worries) But then I started thinking about if this could be true and I remember actually jerking of to some of my guy friends without ever thinking about what it meant or without questioning that I was really straight. Its not many, I can actually count them, its 6 of them, no more no less. This has happened thoughout the years ive been growing up and now i am 25. And what do i think about when jerking of to that? Well, 4 of them was because of seeing theire head of the dick and it just kind of gave me a feeling on top of mine, i dont know if it is cause it reminds me of how it can feel on mine when doing something to it or if i get that feeling on it because i like to see it. And then one of them was when he had an erection when waking up inside his underpants. And then the last of them was cause i saw him with a bare upper body once and i fantasised he had a six pack or even more, 10 pack, i dont know, weird thought, but it worked to jerk off to. Then I saw it again and didnt at all look that good as i had fantasised about. When jerking off to this I dont imagine what i would like to do to it just jerk off to the image of it. I have never ever felt any urge to act on these fantasys and maybe its just a way of me to get really forbidden in my head when im bored of jerking off to the same thing over and over again? And these thoughts never ever made me think i was gay and to doubt me beeing hetero. I dont know.. And what about crush on guys? If i told you i knew i had one i would be lying. I do however remember wanting to meet 2 different guy friends of my cousin to hang out because i was bored at his place(he lived in the middle of the forest and i am from the city and i hated to be there when i was younger) and also remembered i thought one of them looked kind of good, or had a cool style, not looking good as i want to fuck him, rather, "oh nice haircut i want one like that", and "nice cap i want one like that" and i remember buying a cap just like him cause i guess i thought he was cool and wanted maybe to be a bit like him. I do also now after i broke up with my girlfriend have this one guy that seem to have exactly the life I want. I havent been thinking of him in a sexual way but my paranoia makes me dream nightmares about me beeing in love with him and i go to his facebook page alot to check if i feel love when i see him but i dont think i do, i just get this anxiety feeling in my stomach. Or am i denying that this is love? this is all the events i can think of that could possible be guy crushes in my life. I do however remember thinking alot of guys look good or have good looking bodies and thinking, "oh i want to look like that". Or am i denying that it is love? See this is the problem I have, I keep on deciding no I am not gay or maybe even if I am what good does it do thinking about it and i should just go with the flow(it always worked before i started having these thoughts) and i have been happy throughout my life before this and that started when i was around 20-21. About me watching porn. And what I am turned on to. I always loved butts and couldnt come close to count the number of girl asses I jerked off to. So but sex has pretty much been my preference. I do however like big titties aswell and to see them bounce around or to be stuck inside a bra almost popping out or something like this. I do however also love to look at big dick porn. I always told myself that this is because I love to see how the girl gets crazy over the bick dick and in some way it feels more real that she would be incredibly horny and wanted to be fucked really hard if the dick is bigger. I do however also like the look of big dicks. So i dont know, is this that i tell myself that i like to see these girls get fucked by big dicks just to have an excuse to actually watch the big dicks myself? I dont know. I tried watching gay porn just to see but i just get an anxiety feeling in my stomach and feel disgusted and want to turn to a girl on a dick instead. Is this just because society always been telling me that guy on guy is disgusting? and when a girl is in the picture I can watch the dick and get aroused to it without actually realising it myself and pretending that i actually like what the dick does to the girl? I dont know. So what do I like about girls? All i ever wanted is to grow old with one and I love to watch girls, titties, faces, asses, legs and so on. I love the thought of laying in a bed with a girl just smelling her hair, touching her soft skin, kissing her and so on. When i look at girls that are my type i feel this feeling that is supposed to be crush or love and it feels really real, but i dont know, could this be hope that i am not guy and that i can live a normal life? And do i want to grow old with one because this is waht society told me? I do however really want to grow old with one more then anyting else. I love everything about girls and theire body except for one part, the looks of theire pussy. I think it looks like a fucking battle wound, like someone would have opened up a stomach or something. And i think i have a phobia of intestings and feel really disgusted by them and other slimy stuff like that, like worms and such. And i get the same feeling as that when i see a pussy. Not always, its more the really meaty ones, but pussys never really did it for me though. I do like the thought of what they do to the girl and to penetrate them without looking straight at them and i love a horny girl. But what is the most turn on for me with girls is when they are really horny and want the dick really bad. and also i am more of a curve-man then say skinny girls with no ass at all and almost no titties and such. So why would i be gay then? Well i kind of get an erection when i think of the picture of a big dick and it feels really good to jerk off to and I come. I dont however really know what i would like to do with it. i just like watching it. maybe what i want to with it something i will come to realisation with if i start accepting it and explore these feelings. I dont however like to put a face on it and i am really disgusted by thought of seeing a guy enjoying it. But again, is this because what society told me? i dont know. I do kind of also like to see the muscles around the dick. But as i said, i have never ever felt any urge at all to act on these fantasies and i still dont but i feel kind of forced to it to be able to get on with my life. I could never picture myself kissing a guy, holding a guy or cuddling with a guy or anything like that. I could also never picture myself loving a guy and looking at him like ive always watched girls i have a crush on, and i could never picture myself growing old with one. But i dont know is this once again because of what society told me? I am now out traveling and just before i left i met this girl that i was feeling in love with and have been thinking of her ever since(about 4 months now) and i really want to meet her when i get home and deffinitely think i will. But are these feelings because of what society told me and i actually want to be with a guy i just dont know it yet? these are thoughts im going to have when we are getting sexual and they will probably prevent me from beeing able to get an erection again. And it will feel like i am using her because i have these thoughts. I dont know. What i feel like right now is. I am in love with this girl and want to maybe spend my life with her depending on how it works out ofcourse. I am however terrified of me beeing gay and that it will not work out because of that. But all i want to is to be wit her. But is this because that would take away all my problems and i could just live happily for the rest of my life? I dont know, but that is at least not what i feel. What i feel is that i am in love with her and want to be with her. all the time. in bed. naked. forever. i do however when i think about the sex get this anxiety feeling that i would not success and she gets mad at me or whatever. And also i feel that i can jerk off to dicks(should i even say juicy dicks?) without faces but would never actually want to do it in real life and have not done it up until now, but is this because of what society told me again? Sorry for the long text guys but i didnt feel i could explain it any shorter and could probably have written it alot longer. If you wounder something, just ask me. Thanks for reading.
Wow a lot of this is like me. Thanks for the share. I think my gay feelings are deliciously real but at the same time may be an element of what some call "homosexual panic" or hocd (homosexual OCD). The ? Is how many of the probs with girls are because of these anxiety type conditions, And what part reflects a perhaps more surface sex attraction
Well I don't really like to tell people what they are, but you seem to worry a lot about possibly being gay or bi. You sound straight to me...but I can't decide that for you. I agree with the post above, you do seem to have a lot of anxiety over this which causes me to think that you may just be over-analyzing your feelings and thoughts because you are afraid of being interested in the same sex. I worry a lot too, and when anxiety over-comes you like this it is hard to tell what you are really feeling and thinking vs what you're convincing yourself you are. If you are really into this girl, then focus on that. Maybe you're bi, maybe not. But if you are, and you're interested in this girl, then go after her. You don't have to go have sex with a man to prove it to yourself. Just because you think of certain things while masturbating doesn't mean that you're gay. If you desire to have a sexual and intimate relationship with a man then maybe you're bi because you seem to like women a lot. I wouldn't worry about it. I think you're in a highly anxious state because you feel you lost a grip on reality momentarily, which was just the pot, certain types can make people anxious. I have experienced this as well. Also being teased from those guys has caused you to feel self conscious and paranoid. Maybe because you are afraid to be rejected by your peers and this is something that you would feel rejected for? Even if you aren't gay, you could just be worrying so much about "what if i am" because you're afraid of what people would think. Maybe that's what's going on? It sounds like you're afraid to lose her and since you got this remark made to you by that guy you can't seem to stop worrying about being gay and having that be the reason to ruin your relationship with someone you seem to truly love and want to be with. Sounds to me like you want to be with a girl, not a boy. Just relax and do what feels natural to you. If that is to pursue this girl, then go ahead and do that. If a few years down the road you discover you've developed feelings for a man, then pursue that as well. Just take it as it comes and try to not think so much. What's the worst that could happen? You're discovering who you are, what you want out of life, and figuring out how to get it. If people aren't okay with it, screw them. They aren't you and you should just focus on what makes you happy, whether its a man or a woman.
thanks for reading guys. What you say is the conclusion i come to every time i get into a "phase" of thinking im gay and anxiety and such. right now im getting used to the thought to it and im actually starting to think like "okay if im gay why the fuck does that matter" and accepting that i like to fantasise about this and stop feeling anxious about it. maybe that will help me stop feeling anxious about it. and i should just pleasure myself how i like to and go for the person i like and this will lead me where i want in the end. guess i allready kind of knew that but wanted to share it with someone as it can be a hard thing to talk to with the people around you.
