I guess I'm just a little confused. And nervous. And scared. I don't really know how to say it in such a way as to not turn heads. It's something you admit subtly. People will take notice immediately. It's not easy to say it out loud. It's not easy to admit you're gay. But there comes a time when it becomes necessary; when the conditions feel right, and the mood is calm, collected; peaceful. Then you brace yourself for the worst, and break free from the shackles of secrecy and self-loathing. These are the things I wish I could do. There is no doubt in my mind that my parents will love me no matter what. They have no reason to hate me for being gay. None of us are particularly religious (I'm not.). But still... there's that nagging fear. There are so many variables to consider. My mom means well, but Holy Hell... she makes everything 5,634 times more awkward than they need to be. She kind of sorta maybe knows that I am/was questioning my sexuality. She regularly drops not-so-subtle segues to, I suspect, coerce me into admiting what we both probably know. For example, a new "Let's Go Places" Toyota ad was running on the TV. At the end is a concept car that has rainbow-like streams of color shimmering down its side. My mom took full advantage of this, and to my horror and bewilderment, asked "is that a car for gay people?" I don't know what my face looked like at the time, but I suspect it conveyed a mix of disaproval at her blunt tactics and terror as I fished for a smooth, natural response to her question. I've been questioning myself for a year or two now, and I'm pretty sure I'm gay. Probably a 5 on the Kinsey scale, if that helps put things into perspective. I started really questioning my sexuality when I realized that, while my friends were talking about all their crushes on the most beautiful girls in school, I had no interest. I didn't care. Thoughts of women didn't cross my mind. At first I thought I was still getting there, and that later, I would start really liking girls. Didn't happen. I'm not a very social person. I'm an introvert to the max. I have a few close friends, but that's about it. I value having a select few close, personal friendships over having a thousand aquaintances. From the little bit of conversation on the topic that I've had with them, they, for the most part, don't really mind homosexuality, but aren't comfortable with seeing two guys slobbering over each other. It's understandable, I suppose, but not exactly encouraging for what's to come. More awkward is my relationship with one of my friends, whom for anonyminity purposes, we'll call Mike. I met Mike in 9th grade. I, and everyone in the room knew immediately that he was, in one way or another, gay. He, as far as mannerisms and voice, and posture, and pretty much every physical aspect about him, screamed "gay." Over the course of the one and half years I've known him, he's been with literally countless girls. I kid you not, he was telling me about a different crush every other week. Unfortunately, pretty much all of these relationships ended pretty quickly, for one reason or another. He had a couple of relatively long-lasting relationships (For High School, at least.), but never, to me, had any convincing relationships. He was never very well-liked among my classmates. He's really very nice, and thoughtful, but he's obnoxious, and surely craves attention. It's just too bad that no one else seemed to pick up on when he was seriously hurting. The Boy Who Cried Wolf comes to mind. Mike was suicidal last year. He was getting help from the guidance counselor for depression and cut himself at one point. It was really hard to watch. I tried to be there for him, as a friend, but I was at a loss for as to what I should have been doing. How do you help someone who's lost all hope? Fast forward to earlier this school year, and Mike is back to his peppier self. We only have one class together this year, as opposed to 2 last year, and it's our 7th period. The last class of the day. We spend the first few days or so catching up during the last few minutes of class, when we have free time, with our other friends. He seems to be doing well. Now, I must have been blind to this last year, because everyone but me knew it. Mike had a massive crush on me. Keep iin mind, he's still "officially" in the closet at this point. Mike's crush on me had become a very open and public thing at this point. He would use every opportunity to make this known, from waving at me from across the room, to shouting my name for no reason other than to bug me. I knew he was just being playful. That's just how he is. He's full of energy. Constantly. It's a bit tiring after a while, if I'm honest. After Mike's episode last year with him serously contemplating suicide, I was really worried for him. I want him to be happy, and I know that coming out and recieving a supportive response is imperative for achieving that. He was still in the closet, after all. Then, lo and behold, one day, he asks me to see me after class. It could be nothing, I rationed, or it could be the moment. I readied a supportive response to as many scenarios as I could. The bell rings, and I meet him outside. I ask him what's up, and we walk. He asks me if I'm bi. I'm a bit taken aback, but I say no. At the time, this was really and truly what I thought. For a while, I thought I may be asexual, considering my lack of any sexual interest whatsoever, but as time passed, I realized that simply wasn't the case. Mike responds by admitting that he's bi, and all I can think to say, is "ok." All my planned responses leave me, and we just continue walking in a sort of awkward silence. I wanted to tell him how proud I was of him. I wanted to tell him that admiting his sexuality takes a lot of courage. I wanted to be as supportive as possible, but I honestly hadn't expected him to say it quite like THAT. He left to meet other friends almost immediately afterwards. The next day, he asks me why I'm not bi. How the hell do you respond to that? I tell the truth, that I don't know. My friend chimes in "Because he likes chicks." I say nothing to that, neither confirming nor denying it. I was still questioning myself at the time. Mike says something along the lines of "I want you to be bi with me." More awkward. Yay. I still doubt whether or not Mike really has any interests in girls, but who am I to say what he likes or doesn't like? I can barely figure out my own tastes! Because I didn't show disgust or vehemently reject Mike's flirting, and have been supportive of him when no one else was, people now doubt MY sexuality. I'm not the stereotypical gay guy. Granted, I'm not exactly masculine. I don't really like sports, but I'm a nerd, so that's OK. I don't tick a lot of the gay stereotype checkboxes. I'm not sure if this will be a good thing or a bad thing when the truth comes out, though. One of my closer female friends joked (I think) that she thinks I'd be the kind of guy who goes after guys. I was shell shocked. About a billion thoughts were racing through my head... "Does she know?" "Did I do something to give myself away?" "Did she just put two and two together and had figured it out?" "Is she just joking?" All these thoughts bounced around simulataneously. I was speechless. Literally, my jaw dropped. Really, at this point, I don't have a specific problem, or question, or dilema. I'm just at a loss as to what to do next. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't predict the future. Some of my friends have made it clear that they aren't going to support my "gay lifestyle." I guess I can't call them friends, knowing what I know now. I don't know how coming out will affect me. I don't know if I'll still have friends when all is said and done. I'm sure of one thing, though: there will be tears. Whether they be mine, my mom's, my friends, or whoever's... tears will be shed. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this, so what do you internet people think of all this? What do you think would be best, for now? How do I move forward from here? It's just all so confusing. It's like all I think about these days. I do apologize if it's all a bit of a mess to read, or difficult to understand. It's not easy putting all of this in a cohesive, sensible way. Just, please... Someone help?
I would say I am in the same boat as you but I'm not. I am actually very confused about things at the moment. Trying to figure things out. It seems like you know what you want and how you feel but just don't know how if you want to tell people. All I can do is tell you to think about it and just do what you feel is right. I'm sure this isn't the best advice and I apologize.
It's better than nothing. I just wish things were easier to figure out, you know? Why must everything be confusing?
