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Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

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Old 12th Jan 2013, 10:49 PM   #21
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

Guess what? When you meet other people, it will almost certainly result in your eventually being outed. Not to a few people, but to people you *don't* want to know about it. You don't seem to get that, and that's probably *because* you aren't out and don't know how gossipy, bitter, and backstabbing the gay community can be. And the gay community in Pittsburgh (let alone the smaller areas surrounding it) isn't huge, and is therefore even more gossipy than in many bigger places. Nor are you apparently considering the other issues of attempting to date closeted people, or date people who are out while being closeted. That's why I don't consider it off-topic.

But... given that you're not interested in considering the bigger picture, especially given the ridiculously dire portrait you paint, and then won't provide any context for anyone to evaluate whether or not it's really that dire, or whether it's a red herring you're using to avoid confronting the bigger picture, I can't really in good conscience give you advice on how to find people given the extreme risk you claim exists and which you'd be placing yourself in (but don't seem to acknowledge) by doing so. If losing 5% of your business would really kill you... you're in a really, really high risk business and I'd consider a different line of work.

Perhaps others will feel differently and can tell you where to meet people. In any case, I wish you the best and hope it works out for you.
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 12:45 AM   #22
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

@John ..... are you a lawyer? .... I'm trying to guess your profession . Btw I hope I'm not being rude by guessing ... okay but other that hi
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 12:50 AM   #23
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

^ I doubt it. The only professions i know of that are that close netted are religious, political and financial....hmmm funny which one shouldn't fit in that category.
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 01:01 AM   #24
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...... you dunno he could work for some thing like the Pittsburgh business times lol that would be funny lol ..... being the lawyer fer a news paper lol .....
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 01:06 AM   #25
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

I think Chip has given you some excellent advice here. I am probably significantly younger than you, but I do have some experience of an industry in which it is impossible to be an openly gay man and I have sympathy with your situation. I also can't really elaborate any further, but I think that my knowledge of this industry and the difficult choices that must be made by gay/bi men in it gives me a different perspective on this issue.

As was said above, we don't have enough information to be able to evaluate whether your assessment of your situation is realistic, and you are of course free to share as much or as little as you want. But I would definitely consider the idea that meeting other gays without this information spreading beyond your encounters could be an unrealistic aim. I know this isn't what you want to receive but even though I know so little about you, I don't want you to make a decision that could have such extensive consequences in your life and then look back to regret it. It's definitely possible to have what you are seeking, and there are the obvious places that you can go to find it. Whatever you choose to do, I hope that you can feel confident and content with your choice.
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 02:59 AM   #26
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

I think he only joined EC to get safe advice where to find sex partners who somehow won't ever reveal who he is. If he got a corporate jet, i suppose he could fly to Philipines and hook up once a month "on business" and lie about it. Not exactly an ethical move though for a good businessman.

I am 43, and am someone who has worked in business and used to be a Business Administration major. However, I think choosing to push aside "kids" is rude and a sign of bias I have never appreciated in people who think they are superior. You think you will go from riches to homeless? So you are saying you are not paid off on the mortgage? Not a wise business move. Always prepare for the worst, I have zero debt, and money in the bank. I could live several years without any income and live off it fine. If Pitsburg is so malevolent, and you can't pack up and move business elsewhere, then you should think seriously about what your hormones are requiring you to do.

If you do go searching for a gay lover, you will eventually be caught dating. Period. You seriously think things for gays are like 1960? No. It is a lot safer than it used to be, and you are scared and making it worse on yourself for not being careful and logical. If the men you compete with are that bad, you must adore the money, because you seem to hate them. To not have CEO next to your name, and a boat and Ferrari, does not equate homelessness and your poor mom dies of a cold. That is fear making a drama. Move to Portland, get a job at Nordtroms as a manger, ride Max to work, and live in a condo. Lot's of gays here, and the businessmen don't gang rape you.

If I listed any sites I would not be your friend. You have not thought out the full plan yet, bad business move.

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Old 13th Jan 2013, 05:11 AM   #27
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

I think in your case, using an app for dating on your phone or sites is pretty safe. The people on there are gay and it's an unwritten rule that you should never out another person in this community. Now granted, not everyone is going to do that, but I think the general consensus with online dating is that it's underground and you can be who you really are because the only people that would see it are other gay/bi/curious people. If that doesn't make you feel at ease, start going to gay bars.. sports bars and hanging out there. I mean, either way you look at it, you're going to have to live a double life...(horrible) but your career is important, not more than your sanity of course and aspects of your personal life, but as an adult with responsibility, or even the fact that you like doing what you do, it's a pretty big factor in your life. I don't think you have to choose right now, unless you find that it's impossible for you to meet people after trying both online and bars, etc.
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 06:24 AM   #28
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

That reminded me of how one woman did to have an encounter with me years ago, when I was still pretending I was a gay girl.
She never disclosed her real identity but she did say that she worked in the health industry and wanted to keep her identity private. She was also 12 hours of road away but she was willing to make the trip for a week end once in awhile and be my girlfriend if I wanted one.
Eventually by chatting and getting to know each other she sent me pictures of herself. I had no problem with her need for privacy or for her appearance.

That said, if you make it clear on your dating profiles as to why you don't show a picture there but that you're willing to travel for people, I'm certain that you'll find someone eventually. Just expect it to take time and do your search more for the entertainment purposes (as in, don't be desperate).

What somebody else said sounds right too; travel and just namelessly visit gay meeting sites (you can find them online easily). You'd need to be traveling to where people are less likely to recognize you, too.

Both methods are not completely without risk of being caught/recognized though, as you can't really trust anybody fully (or you'd marry them, right? ) I suggest you prepare a plan just in case that happens so you're not fully into trouble, say, a way to deny it.

I hope I helped. Good luck, sincerely!
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 08:27 AM   #29
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

@ John sorry lol inappropriate for me to joke about what your profession might be hope I didn't offend you by asking .... I'm a bit of an idiot........
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 09:38 AM   #30
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

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You are right... Yes, I'm sure young folks do have their problems, too. I was responding to a particular poster who seemed to go out of his way to be insulting.

I'm not mad at anyone. But, the thread is way off the rails. I acknowledge that this is partially my own fault. There are about 16 responses. 8 of them seem to be directly on topic, and 8 of them are not... mostly lecturing me on why I should come out.

Again, this is a fair thing to debate. But it's not on topic. There are numerous reasons that someone may want to meet other gays discretely beyond just my reasons. I'm sure that this thread could have relevance to a great many people, like photoguy93, if you care to reread his post. Taking the thread OT makes things more difficult for them, too.

So many folks have taken the time to be on topic and given really great advice. But, someone searching these forums seeking help in the future will find a thread that has gone way off the rails.

If you are open and free and out and everything is great, I am genuinely happy for you. Maybe you could generously stay on topic for those of us that feel we could benefit from this very specific discussion. Please. I don 't go O.T. on anyone else's threads.
I wholeheartedly understand your frustration. The only thing I can say is that people on here want to help - I'm one of them. But sometimes, we go a little overboard. As in..... We are trying to help your whole life, Haha. And as I said - I'm new here, and I think we can't actually say a whole lot.

But all I can say, is that, on topic.....you're going to have to find something to give way on. For example, if you post on a certain website for cities and ads (seriously, are we not allowed to say things?)l you'll have to take some type of chance. But that is honestly the only thing I can say. Because you'll at least be able to control things. But honestly, there is ALWAYS a way to be found out. I think the moral of our stories here is that you don't have any true option. There's a few fairly easy things to do... But not a lot. I'm sorry - just trying to be honest.
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 12:56 PM   #31
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

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For example, if you post on a certain website for cities and ads (seriously, are we not allowed to say things?)
We're allowed to mention Craigslist, in part because it is not solely or even primarily a dating site. It's about the only one we do mention. But... I have to say, in virtually every part of the country I've seen, and from the comments we get here, you typically find the worst possible people on Craigslist, as it seems to not only be focused on hookups, but on hookups with people who are weird, selfish, don't give a shit, and/or are frequently really, really promiscuous.
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 01:13 PM   #32
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

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Quote:
Originally Posted by photoguy93 View Post
For example, if you post on a certain website for cities and ads (seriously, are we not allowed to say things?)
We're allowed to mention Craigslist, in part because it is not solely or even primarily a dating site. It's about the only one we do mention. But... I have to say, in virtually every part of the country I've seen, and from the comments we get here, you typically find the worst possible people on Craigslist, as it seems to not only be focused on hookups, but on hookups with people who are weird, selfish, don't give a shit, and/or are frequently really, really promiscuous.
Totally agree with you on that. Trust me...the guys/girls/aliens are disgusting. But, I mentioned that because its like the one place I know where the skuzballs don't care. John, maybe you can find something else. Maybe there's a discrete hookup site or something. I'm sure someone has thought of it. Just be safe. Truly. Value your life first!
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 02:03 PM   #33
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

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I strongly suggest taking about 20 minutes and watching these two videos by the brilliant researcher and social worker Brené Brown. She talks about how shame affects us, and our ability to be loved and to love... and what we can do to better be able to be open.
@ Chip... i thought your line on this was brilliant and those clips by Brené Brown absolutely heart-warming ... I am certainly going to watch them through a few times more. They spoke to me. I hope others too.
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 03:36 PM   #34
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

Folks, I apologize if I went a bit overboard on the 'off topic' issue. It's just that I'm used to posting on very private, very technical fora where the moderation is extreme by comparison. The "crime" of top-posting will get you suspended or even banned, for example. If you hijack a thread or go off topic, the villagers will hunt you down with torches and pitchforks.

I am simply breaking my own problems down into their component parts. Then, attempting to solve them item by item. As for any other issues I may or may not have, just because they are not being addressed here in this specific forum does not mean that they have not been, or are not being, otherwise addressed. As wonderful as the EC site is, it is only a fraction of a larger world.

As for the accusation that I am intolerant of young people, that is a distortion. I used to be a young person. When I was 20, i absolutely would have stood up to another 20-something who treated me the way I was treated. I would do it then; I would do it now. In fact, I would have stood up to a 20-something even when I was 10.

I really like the idea of the dating app. Pat, thanks for filling me in on the culture of app users. Now, I not only know what to expect, but what is expected.

PurpleCrab, that you for sharing your story. I will consider your advice.

VyreRain, No, I'm not offended. It may not translate very well over the intertubes, but I do actually have a sense of humor.

Yes, I am aware that there is risk. But, to live is to risk. I know that I am not happy with the way things are. I will take my chances, and do what I can to keep the odds in my favor.

Thanks again to all who tried to help.
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 04:06 PM   #35
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

@John oh okay lol I just tend to be quite offensive and most of the time I don't know when I am so I'm trying to be extra careful on what I say lol
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 04:07 PM   #36
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

Hi John.

Firstly, I am not aware of any sites that are dedicated for "discreet hookups". Whether that be because they do not exist, are very uncommon or I haven't searched hard enough. Sorry! If I do find anything that may be of any use to this particular situation, then I'll certainly let you know.

Secondly, I apologise once again as I know you don't want this thread to go off-topic, and you're just after a bit of help. I would just like to say, for your sake, and anybody else who has to go through all this unnecessary hassle.

In my own way, I know exactly how it feels to not want to come out to certain people because of the effects it will have on your life. I am in a pretty similar situation to yourself; that being if I were to come out to certain people (i.e in this case my father) I run the risk of being severly injured or hurt. I too choose not to come out to my parents because I'm right in the middle of exams, which I'm struggling with as it is. If I were to come out, or if my father somehow found out I were gay, I'd be in a lot of shit. He constantly made death threats, and said if me or my younger brother were gay he'd make our lives hell, after disowning us. I'm alright with that because I know that my father means nothing to me, and eventually I'll get over it. But not now while I've got important things going on.

So guys, I'm sure John would appreciate it if we could address the issue he wants a resolve for, and not anything else!
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Old 13th Jan 2013, 04:42 PM   #37
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

Oh Rexmond, I am so sorry. I teared up reading your post. I know it has to be difficult.

I wish I could help. But, I don't know what to say. I could say that you only have to hang in there for a few more years. But at your age, 3 more years until you can go to college or move on your own would seem like an eternity.

But, I can promise you this...

Hang in there. Life does get better. You will become independent of him. Then, continuing the relationship will be as much your choice as his.

Anyone, please feel free to take this thread over if you can help this guy.

BTW, I'm not really looking for hookups. I'm older and some depth would be welcome.
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Old 14th Jan 2013, 02:39 AM   #38
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

Hi John

I can sympathise with your situation, I used to be a director of an International company and being out at work would have caused some issues. I will assume from your postings that you are also a professional person since you mention business rather than job.

I am aware of, but not yet joined, a professional gay guys association in my local town, perhaps a similar organisation exists in Pittsburgh where you could meet others perhaps in your situation who are also looking for discretion.
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Old 14th Jan 2013, 02:42 PM   #39
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Hi John

I can sympathise with your situation, I used to be a director of an International company and being out at work would have caused some issues. I will assume from your postings that you are also a professional person since you mention business rather than job.

I am aware of, but not yet joined, a professional gay guys association in my local town, perhaps a similar organisation exists in Pittsburgh where you could meet others perhaps in your situation who are also looking for discretion.
That is an excellent idea! I will look into it!

Thank you!
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Old 14th Jan 2013, 06:19 PM   #40
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Default Re: Discreet way top meet other gays?

My usual advice to meet gay people is to go and join gay organizations--social groups or activity groups (a support group can also work, although it seems like you probably wouldn't be into that). Pittsburgh appears to have a bowling league, a softball league, and a gay men's chorus, just from a cursory search. These types of things let you meet people in a casual way and get to know them. Make friends. They will introduce you to other friends, as well.

Of course, there is some risk of exposure, as there will be, no matter how you meet people, because the people are the risk. But you know, we always say, anyone who saw you in the gay bar had to be there.

If you make good choices about your partners, I don't think it would necessarily happen that someone outs you. If you have a lot of short term things, someone almost certainly will, but if you can choose a stable, emotionally secure person to have a relationship with, and sustain the relationship, you won't necessarily have to be out at work.

The problem will come only if you make a vindictive person angry. Do you think you can avoid doing so? Note that you can make someone angry by hurting a friend, not just by hurting them directly. You can also hurt someone by not being interested in them.

I will say that one thing you might want to consider is that coming out voluntarily might have far fewer negative consequences for you than being outed by someone else. It will be a lot harder for your competitors to "have a field day" with something you are open about. If you come out on your own, you control how the information is presented to the public.

You don't often see people "having a field day" with our openly gay politicians, for example. But they very often do when they are exposing someone who was closeted.

So, that's my advice about meeting people. I have no advice about how to ensure that the people you meet will be discreet. Discretion is something that individuals have to engage in, it's not really about the way you meet them.
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