Just so you guys know, Im totally obsessed with figuring out whats wrong with me now. I spent an entire yoga class thinking about it nonstop. Then I punched myself in the head on the way home several times. Some people saw me and started laughing at me so I screamed at them "thats right Im a pathetic loser, call me any names you want because Im a useless piece of shit!" Ive been obsessed with suicide over the past 2 days, looking at every single car that goes by and wanting to jump in front of it, imagining smashing in windows and then taking the glass and slicing my wrists open, thinking about trying to pick a fight with a bunch of guys just so they will beat the crap out of me and I will die of my injuries. I really felt like you guys were accusing me of things that I have NEVER DONE IN MY LIFE. Ive even gotten smacked in the head by a restaurant manager once and didnt even react at all, just went about my business like nothing happened. But there must be something Im doing right?
I don't think anyone would accuse someone they do not know for anything here at EC. I can't tell what your aim is with this post, but it's obvious you are crying out for help. Do you have someone to call that could get you the help you need? Family, doctors, friends? No one here is intentially malicious. Please call someone and let them know you're struggling right now. We understand because many of us have been to the point of harming ourselves. Please call someone soon..
Slow down! Please do not contemplate suicide, it's never the answer to any problem you're having. And please stop abusing yourself; you know someone could have easily called the police on you and you would have been admitted to the hospital against your will. Not only that, it's very unhealthy, which I'm sure can cause major damage. I read your thread and suggested that you take a personality test, so you can find a better job that suits you. I cannot imagine working in customer service because people can be extremely rude. I don't know you personally and I'm sure you're an amazing person, but I think you're most definitely suffering from a mental illness that needs to be treated with medication. My mental illness--bipolar, makes feel agitated very often, irritable, sad and happy very sporadically. And it's ruined so many of my relationships. But I've figured out my triggers to avoid lashing out. I'm here for you, I didn't read what everyone else stated on the thread, but I think we all have room to grow. And I'm no exception, please do not harm yourself, you're going to hurt so many people who care for you. Hang in there (*hug*)
Haha when the police come I act normal and theres nothing they can do, I just say "Im fine" and smile a lot, kind of like on my jobs that I apparently keep ruining with my terrible attitude. ---------- Post added 10th Jan 2013 at 10:50 PM ---------- Ive asked psychiatrists if Ive needed medicating before, they just say that my life is too stressful and "once the life stressors lessen you'll feel better". Of course the stress doesn't though..... ---------- Post added 10th Jan 2013 at 10:51 PM ---------- Im not actually suicidal too, I just think about it a lot.
Hey, you should accept help. I take medication because it makes me stable, and makes my life much, much more manageable. At first, I didn't want the meds, but I was tired of my life being hectic and on the edge of disaster. I stopped doing things my way, and let the people who love me help me. It was very difficult. It no longer is something I fee I am doing for someone else, rather something I'm doing for myself. Have you seen a doc before? Just like pinklov3ly, I have a form of bipolar, and it does get better. You can feel sane, keep jobs and friends, have goals and aspirations, etc. I got my life back when I accepted help.
That's the thing, maybe you need to be honest with yourself. You're not fine! You need help, what you're doing to yourself is scary and not healthy at all. Maybe you need to be taken against your will, are you embarrassed? Sometimes, we have to ask others for help, regardless if we want it or not. I have a friend who thinks no one loves her and she's suicidal occasionally, and I always try to talk some sense into her. Your judgment is being clouded by the intense emotions you're feeling now. I'm not ashamed to admit when I need help sometimes. You need to let go of whatever it is that is bottled up inside of yourself.
Oh so I do have bipolar? Cause Im obsessed with bipolar. I research it constantly. Most counselors and therapists say I dont have it though. Im so terrified I have it that I make sure I show NO signs of mania, like I keep the same sleeping schedule all the time, I never let myself spend any extra money, I always second guess myself constantly so I wont be "grandiose", I dont let myself act on my creativity as much as I want to because thats apparently a symptom as well. ---------- Post added 10th Jan 2013 at 11:05 PM ---------- The one time I let the cops take me to the hospital I was discharged right after the doctor saw me and he just made some jokes about how stupid cops were and then paid for my cab.
Only a doctor can properly diagnose with a mental illness and based on your angry outburst, I'd say that you need to get a second opinion. Your behavior isn't normal, it's almost like you're trying to punish yourself for something. And cops are not stupid, they were only doing their job; I used to want to be a police officer, I still do, but I'd refuse to help someone who doesn't want it. However, since cops take an oath to protect and serve, they were trying to help you, yet you didn't defend them when he called them stupid? If they can't even help you then you're wasting your time here. You obviously were not honest with the attending doctor, that's why you were released.
@pinklovely ya that actually is how I think...I need punishment so I will learn to act properly. The thing is I HAVE tried to get help, there was the time the cops took me to the hospital, and another time when I checked myself into the emergency. Both times the doctors kind of acted like I basically "wasn't crazy enough" even after explaining my self harm etc to them. It could be the extremely strained healthcare system in BC. There arent enough beds, so the hospitals turn schizophrenics out onto the street. A lot of our homeless are severely mentally ill.
That's really sad, it's like they wait for something bad to actually happen before they do something to prevent it. Are there any free mental health care clinics where you can receive constant therapy? At some point you have to get ahold of the issues that's causing you to feel this way. Once you tackle that issue, you'll be able to get the help you need to recover and safely. Maybe a brief stint in a mental hospital is what you need.
There's a lot of help for the mentally ill in BC, you just need to know who to ask for help... If you need some numbers you can pm me your city and I can tell you who to go to.
You give very conflicted statements here. You say you want help... then you say that you just say whatever people want to hear when you're actually speaking to people who have the ability to help you. You say you've spent the last two days thinking about suicide and then say you aren't suicidal. So... either you're seeking attention, or you're seeking help. This forum is here to help people, and the resources are here if you want to use them. But they're not going to be of much use if you give conflicting information, don't make use of any of the suggestions offered, or get angry with people when they point out issues that might be getting in the way of your success. The BC healthcare system actually has very good mental health services. But if you go in and claim everything is normal, try to second guess them, treat it as a game, or otherwise waste their time... then you aren't going to benefit from it. I'm certain that if you printed out everything you've said here on EC, took it in and talked to a therapist, covering the high points of what's been discussed... there would be plenty for a therapist to go on to get you help. If that's what you really want.
Ya, youre right, Im just an attention whore. As a matter of fact Im such an attention whore that this will be my last post on empty closets. So goodbye, and Im sure most of you will say good riddance too!
Sigh... I think it's a shame your unemployable thread dissapeared. Like Chip said, I think showing that and this thread to a therapist could have helped them guage your situation better. Oh well...hope you find the help you need.
