Hi all, I don't know if any of you had ready my previous thread about my girlfriend and how I am confused about how I feel about her now that I came out to my parents. Well, I'm going back to college tomorrow because winter break is over, and she is there along with all of our friends. They are so excited to see me, my girlfriend especially, and I am sad to leave my home. When I first came home I didn't want to leave my girlfriend and felt very anxious and sad to be back with my parents and not with my girlfriend. I didn't feel comfortable with my parents because I felt quite rejected and ashamed for having a girlfriend when they would be happier with me having a boyfriend. I have been home for well over a month now and I have finally begun to feel settled in with my parents and used to the routine of waking up, not having much to do all day, and seeing them when they got off work so we could spend time together and watch TV and such just like we used to when I was growing up. It's comfortable and I started to feel like I fit in with them again. Now tomorrow I have to go back to my apartment 2 hrs away and see my girlfriend and all of our friends, because we all practically live together. I would usually be excited, but I'm not. I'm not looking forward to classes, I'm worried that seeing my girlfriend will trigger anxiety and shameful feelings again, and I'm starting to feel some separation anxiety for having to leave my parents. It's so weird. I don't want to live with them forever but I guess since I felt so lost before, it's so comfortable to be around them and spend time with them because I love them so much and I don't want to miss any time with them. But at the same time, I love my girlfriend and want to be with her, but I don't think I can have both. My parents never say anything negative about her, they ask about her sometimes but usually refer to her as my "friend." If I could have my way, I would graduate, move with her to some fun city and live in an apartment together with some pets. But I feel like I can never have that. I can't ever bring her around and act like we are a couple because my parents don't seem like they want to see it, and I don't want to hurt them. But I need to have both in my life. I felt separation anxiety from my girlfriend when I came home, and now I'm feeling separation anxiety from my parents because I'm going back to school. I want to be independent but I feel like I am failing. I don't know what I'm asking for. I guess I want to know if this is normal or what. I feel very lost and alone even though I know I have so many that love me. I can't seem to make everyone happy.
HI ECD123! WOW Who would have ever thought your parents would come around! Just reading your story makes me feel great. Here's how I see your situation. You can and DO have both. Your girlfriend and your parents affection. If your parents are asking you about her then it probably means they might want to meet her someday and that is a great thing. How you are with your girlfriend when you are around your family is another thing. What are you afraid of doing in front of your family that makes you feel weird or nervous? I mean unless you are getting down and dirty right in front of your parents then you should have nothing to worry about. Just be yourself and you should have nothing to worry about. So I think what you are feeling is normal. This is an opportunity to grow with you as a WOMAN as it is for your family. You deserve it! On the flip-side! Try to take them out of their comfort zone (it could be anywhere but their home) and that will curb some nervousness for you. Assuming you are out and open. I dunno just a thought. Good luck and best of wishes to you and your family. -Alex
Thanks, when I am with her around them I feel uneasy and embarrassed. I was raised Catholic and my parents are very accepting people, except for when it comes to me dating a girl. They think I'm just in over my head and in a phase or pretending I'm interested in girls for affection. So when I bring her around I feel very paranoid about what they think about me. No one wants to acknowledge that I came out and my sister refuses to tell her husband who is practically my big brother which makes me feel very alone. I just feel like I'm an embarrassment.
Hello again. You say your parents are 'accepting' people except when it involves your female partner. Which is or isn't true. What is true is how you feel when you are around them with your partner. This for me is you looking for acceptance or approval from your parents? If so, this is normal and one of the reasons we have people in the closet to begin with. It is the need for children to want to be good in the eyes of there parents. If you are with me so far great. Now let's do a little role-reversal if you don't mind. Let's take a look at this from a parents perspective. Let's assume you have children and your job is to teach your children everything you can while they live with you. Using this idea of you as the teacher (parent). You have to teach your child to pursue their happiness/bliss. Now you should know there is no one book, no person, or no resource that will guide you as to how to do this. This is where your parents are. And they decided that the best way for our daughter to grasp this is when she doesn't feel embarrassed around us with her partner and she demonstrates to us that she will pursue her happiness regardless of who's around. To be frank. You have to prove to yourself that you aren't embarrassed when you are in the company f others and your partner is with you. When you have accomplished this you will notice a change in there attitudes. I hope you catch what I am saying. Be confident that your parents love you and want the best for you. And about the looking for affection thing. Well yeah. Who doesn't want affection from somebody. Even though affection might not be the only reason for you being with your partner. I will say that AFFECTION IS A PERFECT REASON TO BE WITH YOUR. PARTNER! CELEBRATE THAT. Thanks for listening. You deserve what you have. - Alex ---------- Post added 15th Jan 2013 at 01:55 AM ---------- I would also like to add. Parents will never show you there soft spots because they like you have to prove to themselves that they are doing the best job they can and they also have worries and concerns about their skill as parents. Like us they are not perfect and this is a good thing. Just know that as much as this wasn't easy for you that they also struggled with you. I say that because we don't know if they lost close friends do to our sexuality or had to explain to other people about something probably have very little knowledge about. -Alex
