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Should I come out at the bar?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by RainbowMan, Jan 12, 2013.

  1. RainbowMan

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    So I was with my therapist last week, and we were discussing an experience that happened to me on New Year's Eve.

    I told him that I almost told him everything right then and there, since he clearly has no clue what I'm going through and thinks that I'm just the happiest person in the world (and that's certainly the image that I project). We then got to exploring what harm would come from telling this person.....and the rational side of me says nothing.

    The emotional, irrational side says "he'll see me differently, for better or worse", "he'll perceive me as less manly" and other excuses. Also, it would certainly solidify my identity, because he'd be the first person (outside of my therapist) that I've told.

    If you could imagine a real life "Cheers" (if you're old enough, too many youngins on this site! :grin:), then you'd have what this bar is. I don't want anything to change between me and the guys. At the same time, I want to be able to be myself for once in my life.

    My therapist explicitly said "I'm not taking you here to encourage you to tell him, but rather to vocalize why you don't", and I think the latter may have had an effect on the former :slight_smile:

    So what does the infinite wisdom of EC think I should do?
     
  2. luvlontime

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    Before I reply to anything, I just want to put a comment out there directly to you:

    I am a newbie on here and a "newbie" to myself (ie, finally admitting to myself that I am gay and happy that I "came out" to myself). This was an odd feeling and I was so lost and not sure where to go from here. This EC site is the perfect avenue to help me. You said in your linked post that you realized that you have to many people that care for you to not commit suicide. I have never met you and probably never will, but your kind words and supportive comments since I have joined have helped more than you know. Please don't ever have those thoughts. Contact me if you do. If I can help in anyway, I will. You have helped me turn on the closet light and turn the knob on the door. I am getting closer everyday (which I want) and with people like you, PeteinNJ, and nydtc supporting me, I know this will be a smooth outing. Thanks again, and from one in the closet to another, I care about ya and am here for ya.

    - luvlontime :thumbsup:

    ---------- Post added 12th Jan 2013 at 06:20 PM ----------

    Oh yea...nice Cheers reference!
     
  3. RainbowMan

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    Thanks for the kind words - they mean a lot to someone (like myself) that's at a fairly low point in their lives right now. I did get a response over in the other thread too (which I linked mainly for context so I didn't have to tell the story again :slight_smile:

    I'm not saying that I'd just stand up in front of the bar and tell everyone, that'd be...insane? (or at least requiring a sack of balls 10 times larger than mine!) :grin: My method would be to discretely meet my best friend (who's another regular at the bar) elsewhere, and tell him there. After that, though - among our tight-knit group, I really don't care who knows. It's getting to that point of telling this one person that's the challenge.

    The nice thing is that the owner of the bar is gay, and everyone knows that (His partner is also "one of the guys", but they're not incredibly open about it at the bar, but not in the closet either, if you know what I mean. If you didn't know both of them, you'd have no clue they were together based on how they act at the bar). Being that this isn't a gay bar but rather a sports bar, that's quite understandable IMHO.
     
    #3 RainbowMan, Jan 12, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2013
  4. PeteNJ

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    Does keeping your sexuality a secret interfere with your relationship with the guys at the bar?

    Given that you can't be yourself with them, I think the answer is yes.

    You might want to come out to them.:icon_bigg

    (take note -- I've just written my coming out letter to my best friends... and not sent it, so, this is a little academic for me yet!)
     
  5. nydtc

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    I see nothing wrong with coming out in a bar. In fact, that's were I told my best friend. It was the bar we "always" hung out at as well. I really feared telling my best friend - I really shouldn't have - I wasn't giving him enough credit!!!! When I told him - his focus was why did I think I had to under go this struggle on my own - he said "thats what friends are for - I wish you had let me help you".
    Best of luck Rainbow - I am sure it will go well when you are ready.
     
  6. luvlontime

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    Sorry PeteNJ for the incorrect reference (PeteinNJ) - luvlontime

    Rainbow - kinda funny that the people that have replied to this post are the ones I said have been the most helpful to me. All three of you rock!

    Thanks pals, if I may call you all that!!!!!!!

    :eusa_danc
     
  7. tea123

    tea123 Guest

    I don't think there is anything wrong with coming out in a bar, do it where you feel most comfortable. If you feel that you will be happier being out with your friends at the bar it might be a good idea to tell them, you may even be pleasantly surprised at how open and tolerant most people are. However, I don't know the ins and outs of your situation and I'm not 'out' myself so I can't really give any solid advice based on my experiences. But I hope what I have written has helped!

    Also 'Cheers' is a great show, sometimes watch it here in the UK :icon_bigg

    P.S. Also I never properly thanked you for your kind words on my first post on EC when I was at my lowest, it really did help a lot :slight_smile: