Hey. I am 24 year old male. Have had crushed on women my whole life...my first being a girl in my class in kindergarten. I've had 3 long term relationships that we're very fulfilling. I have had periods of my life, inberween these relationships, where I was confused about my sexuality. The last relationship I was in lingered for a long time after the breakup and has been very difficult to get over. I recently decided to try LSD. I expected my sexual orientation to be a pivotal part of the trip...and it was. I finished the trip without a doubt in my mind that I was straight...and I was confidently so for the next 7-8 months. I experimented with the drug a bit more and back in July, had a very bad trip. Very anxiety driven. The only thought that calmed my anxiety was 'I'm gay'. However, all it did was calm my anxiety at that moment. The thought made me immediately depressed and confused. I have since been obsessed with figuring this out. I don't feel gay. I've never been homophobic, I've always been extremely accepting and comfortable around everyone regardless of sexual preference. I am at a point now where I am uncomfortable everywhere. Severe anxiety. I don't care if I am gay, bi or whatever. Not knowing and being so confused is debilitating. I've gotten to the point of trying to convince myself to experiment using social networking sites but I can't bring myself to do it. Looking at a guys face and trying to be intimate and passionate seems very weird and unnatural to me. I've done research and stumbled upon HOCD which I know is not a widely accepted phenomenon (could be a republican excuse to coerce gays to be straight in therapy ha) but seems to highlight what I am experiencing. I have a history of mild OCD behavior and irrational fears but I don't want to use HOCD as a lame excuse to deny a homosexual preference. I've noticed that when I am not feeling anxious (a serious side effect of all this, especially following the acid trip) I feel straight. It's sorta like having two people in my head. Just looking for insight and help. Message, post, whatever. ---------- Post added 12th Jan 2013 at 04:17 PM ---------- Typed this up on my iPhone so I apologize for typos
You mention your crushes on girls, but what about your crushes on guys? What feelings are you having that make you think you are gay? The fact that when you think about being intimate with a guy seems unnatural makes it sound like you are not attracted to men. If you were gay or bi you would want to be intimate with a guy.
I haven't had any crushes on men. I have friends. Male friends my whole life and I've never developed feelings for any of them...not that I've been able to discern in retrospect anyway. I had one repeated experience with another boy when I was younger (about12 years ago) that still haunts me to this day. I have experimented with gay porn and I get turned on sometimes but I think this is because it is novel. I watch a lot of porn haha. Watching guy on guy penetration sorta grosses me out but I can get turned on by oral sex sometimes. Oral sex is also my behavior of choice whn it comes to sex. I've always been super nervous about performing well sexually (except when in long term relationships) and oral is my excuse to avoid potential embarrassment due to lack of performance. I'm expressing this public ally for the first time and I am realizing there is more than just sexual orientation at the root of this issue. Do I sound crazy?
Hello Yanks, I'll second the request for more information. In the period between your relationships, what made you confused about your sexuality? Also, why would you expect your sexual orientation to be a pivotal part of the LSD trip? If you don't find yourself being attracted to other males while you're out and about and don't really enjoy the idea of being intimate with one, then there's not really any evidence that you're gay/bi. This is all just armchair psychologizing, but I think that when we get anxious about something, our brains become hypersensitive to ANYTHING relevant to what we feel anxious about it. So your mind might go into a tizzy if it encounters anything, however small, that suggests that your sexual orientation isn't what you thought it was. I would hesitate to say anything one way or the other, though, until you've said what has made you confused/question in the first place. EDIT No, you don't sound crazy! Why does your experience with the other boy haunt you? What about that upsets you? I don't think you need to be too concerned about the porn. Our minds are sensitive to all kinds of sexual imagery. I think that the people you're attracted to are a much better indicator, but none of this is to say that you might not be bisexual to an extent (perhaps a .5 or 1 on the Kinsey scale?).
I don't think you sound crazy. I think a lot of people become paranoid about their sexual orientation. I would like to note that a lot of straight people are turned on by gay porn, so that does not necessarily make you gay if you like gay porn. The fact that you've never had any crushes on guys and you find gay sex gross makes me want to conclude that you are probably straight.
You know what...there was a lot of alcohol abuse inberween my relationships as well. I wonder if that has anything to do with this. Alcohol certainly increases my Anxiety and my confusion. Seeing a good looking guy causes a ton of anxiety. I'm not sure if this is from attraction or not. It's really strange to me how I could be so comfortable around men prior to this acid trip and so opposite that afterwards. In my interactions with people I am constantly thinking 'do they think I'm gay?' 'do I sound gay?'. I get hyper vigilant of my body, I evaluate every action I make and try to give it meaning one way or the other. I swear it's like two people inside of me. Anxious and possibly gay, confident and straight. And I often feel like my mind wants me to say "I'm gay" without actually grasping what that means. Is any of this a normal stage of comin out? ---------- Post added 12th Jan 2013 at 08:06 PM ---------- I've also taken to analyzing my past...as a kid I once asked my mom "when I was a girl, yada yada". I don't remember what I asking but I remember the question opened up like that. I was convinced I had been a girl before I was a guy. A past life or something. I also recall asking 'mom do you ever feel like something is missing' I felt empty. This was prior to 3rd grade. Maybe meaningingless but maybe not.
