Well, I've been back at university for a few days and I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I've only recently accepted that I'm gay or bi (whatever I am I'm not straight :icon_wink) and tonight I found myself getting in to some deep conversation with a good friend of mine at university, we were talking about all sorts while standing outside the pub and the urge just to tell him I'm gay and get it off my chest was there... But I didn't do it. I know he would be accepting and everything so that wasn't an issue. I just feel like a bit of a coward, I was on the cusp of coming out to him. But I just didn't feel ready, I thought to myself 'I don't want to tell him I'm gay just to tell him a few weeks down the line that actually I'm bi' as I'm not sure myself yet to be honest. Do you good people on EC think I did the right thing? Or am I just being stupid? :icon_sad:
When I told my first person, I didn't say I was gay or bi. I said that a few years ago I had a one night stand with a man and I want to do it again. She said "you're gay?", I replied, "I'm not sure". Since then I've come to understand myself better (but not fully) and we've talked more about it. But without saying those key words, I was able to open the dialogue needed.
It's whenever you feel comfortable. Putting a label on it probably isn't a good idea. However, since you are in your early 20s I'm assuming you've had plenty of sexual fantasies. Do you find yourself fantasizing about guys or girls, or maybe both? That will help to clear up to know whether or not you are gay or bi. You don't need to have sex with someone to figure out your sexuality. It usually confirms what you may be suspecting. I suspected girls may not be my thing and after going through with it, it was confirmed that I am gay.
Come out when you feel comfortable about it but if you are feeling alone and confused now that you're questioning then perhaps coming out to a trusted friend to get support might be a good idea, I wish I would have come out to my best friend at the time I was questioning because then I would have not felt to alone or start to distance my self from him and my other friends. If you think you can trust this friend to keep the secret between you two and you feel that you might want some support while you're going through this then perhaps you consider telling him that you're questioning.
This is your information to share, you shouldn't pressure yourself into sharing it because you come across an opportunity to do so that would be ideal if you were ready. You're not ready by your own admission, so it wasn't an ideal opportunity. The first person I came out to was someone I knew would be supportive (he was one of my teachers in college who had come out to my class on the first day by using male pronouns to talk about his partner), but it still took me 3 months to finally talk about it with him. I had faith that one day it would feel right to talk about it and that day did arrive, so I think you should have the same thoughts. I think it's quite a scary concept to know that a key piece of information about yourself, previously confined within your own head, will be shared with other people from that point onward, so please don't pressure yourself.
If you aren't ready then you shouldn't come out. Just because you were talking about secrets doesn't mean you should tell one you aren't ready to share. This is your information, so don't tell people just so you don't feel like a coward. Also, it would be best to wait until you are sure about your sexuality before you tell people. However, if you really want to get it off your chest, tell someone who is really close to you like your best friend, parents, siblings etc. Good luck.
Thanks for the replies, it's helped a lot. All this has come so quickly I think I'm getting ahead of myself and starting to pressure myself into thinking I need to 'come out' before I want to or am ready for. It's not that I have no-one to confide if I need it, my best friend (who isn't at my university) knows that I'm not sure about my sexuality as I told him and he's been really great with it. He said I can talk to him whenever I need it and hasn't made a big deal about it which was great. But you are all right, I shouldn't come out until I'm ready. I'm getting ahead of myself... :bang:
Sorry to drag this thread back up again, but I thought there was no need to create a new one I've just been getting on with life lately, I figured that if I ever find the opportunity to 'come out' (if I come out at all) it won't be for a while yet as I'm still getting used to the idea that I'm most likely gay or bi (still trying to figure that one out). But I've just noticed that some people I know casually use words like 'fag' in casual conversation, now I'm not normally one to get wound up by things but it really annoys me, it isn't exactly helping me accept myself. I almost got angry today when a friend said in conversation with me 'I wouldn't mind going to X, shame about all the gays' :bang: I just didn't say anything and moved the conversation to another subject before I exploded. Rant over :dry:
I know exactly what your talking about when you say some people you know causally use words like fag. I'm starting to understand that I'm gay myself and I always notice whenever anyone says fag or homo or anything like that. It usually didn't bug me but lately I've been getting very disheartened about coming out because of how common derogatory words about being gay are so frequently said in my neighborhood. Don't have much advice execpt to say I'm in the same boat
