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Dad might be gay...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by wildcat2013, Jan 12, 2013.

  1. wildcat2013

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    Over the last couple of weeks, I've started breaking down more and more, unable to continue hiding in the closet anymore, as I've honestly lived my life as a very unhappy and ashamed person. I've kept myself so emotionally and sexually stunted because I could never accept myself. I'm a college senior now, and winter break and the thought of impending employment has freed my mind from academia so much that I've been thinking a lot about coming out to my friends first, and then to my family.

    But recently my mom and dad have been arguing all the time. It's gotten pretty bad, and my dad told me that he might want to file for separation. My sister and I mediated, and things were fine for a while, but my mom began to get really cryptic and everything again, by telling us that she has been hiding a mega secret that she would only reveal to us when we are mature enough, or she might take it to the grave with her. So far she has revealed nothing about what the secret was, but she told us that she is very shocked that she has been able to keep going for so many years.

    My sister told me over the phone that she overheard my parents arguing about 6 years ago that my mom screamed at my dad for lying to her and being gay, and my dad shouted back "so what if I am?" My sister is not entirely sure she heard it right; she was pretty young at the time, and she was in the kitchen and only heard muffled noises.

    If this is true though, I don't know what to do. My mom has been my pillar of support my entire life, and I was thinking of coming out to her very very soon, like less than a month (I haven't even told any of my friends about my struggle with my sexuality, which brings me to a different question - do most people come out to their friends first, and then family? For some reason, I feel really close to my mom and want to actually come out to her first before anyone else) However, I'm really afraid that if I talk to her, it would really shatter everything in her world. My siblings and I are old enough already to be able to accept my dad being gay, but I think my mom has been unhappy for so long. She probably needs a divorce, but if she finds out that her eldest son is gay too, I don't know if this will push her off the emotional cliff and she might do something stupid. I don't want to put additional stress on my mom; she has been so distant from us as of late and has been driving out the car every day in the morning and only coming back at night...

    Would like to hear any of your thoughts. Thanks.

    ---------- Post added 12th Jan 2013 at 09:43 PM ----------

    I also don't know what this will do to my dad. If it's true that he is indeed gay (to be honest, I've always suspected, because when a hot guy walks down the street I check him out but sometimes I find my dad also checking him out...) I think this is really going to change my family a lot from now on. My family has always been viewed as a 'picture-perfect' family, my siblings are incredibly good-looking, all of us did really well and went to really good colleges, my dad has a great job. I'm afraid that my coming out would tip the scales and make everything really fucking bad from now on...
     
  2. RainbowMan

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    I'm somewhat in your situation (not with my dad being gay, but with my parents being separated). I don't want to come out to my parents because they're already going through a lot of their own issues, and they don't need mine compounding matters for them.

    As for the secret that you mom is holding, it may or may not have anything to do with your dad being gay. It might, but I think you need to be prepared for the fact that it's something else entirely. Out of curiosity, how old are your siblings? You mention you're the oldest.

    As for order of coming out, I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do it (I'm older than you and not out!). I'm thinking friends first and then family, but I live hundreds of miles from any family, and none of my friends are in contact with my family at all, so that helps in the "order of operations" if you will.

    Also, welcome to EC! :welcome:
     
  3. Chip

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    First welcome to EC.

    Second, big hugs for what you're experiencing and thinking about... it's a lot to have on your plate, particularly when you're a college senior and also thinking about what to do with your life.

    So let's talk for a moment about your mom. *If* the "big secret" is that your dad is gay, then her issue and anger toward him is probably not so much about his being gay as about her feeling betrayed; think about the fact she's in her 40s or 50s, married a guy she was obviously in love with and thought she'd spend the rest of her life with... and 20 something years into the marriage... she finds out that, in a way, the whole thing has been a lie. That's got to be absolutely devastating to her, but not as much because he's gay, but because she feels betrayed. She realizes she's loved someone that can't love her back.

    So where does this leave you with regard to your mom? First, it's a completely different thing because your relationship with her is wildly different. She loves you because you're her son, not because you're straight. So while it might be a little hard for her at first, I seriously doubt it would affect her relationship with you in the long term, nor do I think it would be any huge additional load of difficulty for her to handle.

    Additionally... in nearly all cases, parents (mothers in particular) have a "sixth sense" and, once they get past their own denial, they realize that they always knew. Gay kids are usually a little bit different than their straight siblings, and parents pick up on it. They'll often throw the signs into the "denial" pile by saying "Oh, he was just more sensitive" or something like that but when they look back at it... they know.

    As for your family... it's *still* the perfect family in so many ways. The only thing different is that your dad came to acknowledge something about himself that he couldn't own when he got married... and you're figuring that out earlier in life than he did. It's the shame that all of us LGBT people have that makes us somehow feel we're second class and therefore less worthy of love and belonging that makes us think that somehow we'll "mess things up" for our families, when that really isn't the case.

    Regarding whom to come out to first... I think most people choose a close friend as the first person. Someone who knows you well and is nonjudgmental. Preferably someone not super religious. That person then becomes your support and confidant as you come out to others. For some people that can be a family member or parent but for most others, it's a friend or more distant relative first. But that really depends on your particular situation.
     
  4. I think that it would be better to wait before telling your mom. I actually do think that some of your mom's angst and anger can be transferred from your dad over to you just because she can associate you two together for be gay (if she's upset with your dad because he's gay). RainbowMan might be thinking a bit more idealistic about it. You may be close to your mom, but that doesn't rule out the possibility that everything will be changed if you come out to her. Similar to what Chip said about your mom feeling betrayed over a decades-old marriage, your mom might feel betrayed over a decades-old motherhood.

    Thus I think you should just be careful about the order of coming out. Some people do come out to their parents first because that's what feels right to them. You can come out to friends or parents first, the choice is yours depending on what you want. But I think that the stakes are higher when it comes to family. Right now is probably not the best time to tell your mom, so consider waiting, or think about telling some friends first.
     
    #4 phospholipase, Jan 13, 2013
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  5. wildcat2013

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    Thanks everyone, especially Chip - that made so much sense. My relationship with my mom is very different from hers with my dad. And you're right about the sixth sense thing, she's always told me that I'm such a sensitive sweet guy which always made me feel paranoid that she knew about me being gay. Or maybe the fact that in tenth grade she walked in on me looking at this gigantic picture of a hot guy in speedos on my computer and I lied and told her it was some pop-up advertisement from a crappy website haha...

    But what phospholipase said is true too, I should wait a while before I say anything to my parents. But I have to tell them in the near future though, I've become so obsessed and taken over by this that I think about this 'secret' the minute I wake up till the minute I'm trying to fall to sleep. I'm probably going to tell my brother and sister after telling a few friends, hopefully they wouldn't take it too badly.

    Two of my best buds (we've been friends since eighth grade, and we always look out for each other, although we didn't go to the same colleges) asked me out to get drinks at a bar some time this week (I'm actually still at home because I graduated early and am only going back in the spring for graduation), and I'm going to tell them after we leave the bar. I'm really afraid though because I've never really been emotional in front of them (I kept myself really emotionally stunted since I wanted people to just assume I was way too immature to have a girlfriend), and I hope they'd understand that it's been difficult. I'm also going to skype my best female friend (she's studying abroad now), and the last few days I've been telling her to clear up her schedule to skype with me, so hopefully she'd be mentally prepared when I tell her. For the rest of my close friends, I was actually thinking of writing up a blog post and showing them everything that I've bottled up over the last few years and pour it all out there. Is this a wise decision? I don't really think I can handle telling each and everyone of them face-to-face... and also, I'm not in the same state as them now since I graduated early. but I'm worried that they might feel that a generalized blog post might seem very impersonal.

    Also, if the big secret that my mom's been talking about really is that my dad is gay, my mom might see it as some sort of catalyst for her to come clean and tell my siblings and I about my dad being gay. What happens after that though? Do couples in such situations split up? I don't know what the living situation is going to be from now on, my mom's turning 50 and I doubt she wants to start a new family. I'm also afraid that my siblings might blame me for splitting my parents up, and I would feel so responsible for ruining everything.
     
    #5 wildcat2013, Jan 13, 2013
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  6. Chip

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    First, your coming out plan sounds really sensible. I know a lot of people who come out individually to their closest friends/family and then do a Facebook post to tell the rest... and almost without fail, people are like "Oh. OK." It's really not a big deal to much of anyone anymore. I think your best buds will be good choices to come out to, and I think you'll be surprised how supportive they will be about your being emotional. Men your age are better able to handle emotions than men of your dad's generation, in part because the media has made it more acceptable for men to show emotions.

    As for what happens to your parents' relationship, that's up to them. Some choose to stay together, most end up separating, but in almost all cases, once the initial anger/shock passes, they remain best friends. And if your siblings have an ounce of common sense, they can't possibly blame you as it will be obvious that if your dad is gay, *that* is the proximal cause of any dischord, not you letting people know you're gay.

    Please keep us informed of how things go. And EC is a great resource to ask any of the questions that concern you, no matter how unimportant or silly they might seem to you... they aren't, and they'll benefit others reading this forum. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Kgirl

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    @Chip Do most really remain best friends?

    I am considering calling off my upcoming marriage to my boyfriend of 8 years because I'm questioning my sexuality. Tough situation.
     
  8. wildcat2013

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    Thanks Chip!

    We didn't end up going to a bar, but me and my best bud went to the gym instead. Lol. My heart was beating really fast in the sauna and I almost wanted to tell him then, but it would have been hella awkward. So I told him in the car on the ride back home, and I bawled like a baby. And everything came out. In fact, I told him probably way too much, but he was very supportive but was also very shocked as he never guessed...And I told him that not all gay people are the same that you see portrayed in the media and I think that resounded pretty well within him. He also told me that I should love myself more, and that I shouldn't be stupid and think about killing myself anymore. I hugged him for that, and we talked about work and job applications and stuff for a while before heading home.

    It actually went really well. I'm honestly so happy. Last night was the first night in weeks that I slept early (1 am lol) instead of 5-6 am because my mind was constantly over-thinking itself to death...I'm going to be telling a few other friends too, and hopefully slowly I'd be able to accept myself fully and truly love myself.

    My dad however, has been catching onto me. He keeps coming into my room a lot nowadays and has been asking me so many questions: 'why do you look so unhappy', or 'something's on your mind, tell me' And I've been really cold towards him. I'm not about to broach the subject to him at all (that is way out of line for me), but I can't help but just be unable to act like myself around him now, especially because my mom has been sleeping in the guest bedroom downstairs for 3 days now (she didn't tell us, but we all know). This is driving me nuts. If my dad is really gay (all these might be unrelated signs but I keep thinking back now looking for hints - he told me that he watched White Collar and Kyle XY a while back - and both Matt Bomer and Matt Dallas [although this is really fresh news] are gay; He said he watches these shows to connect with my 'generation' but man...a grown man watching a movie about a teen without a belly button?!), I'd feel really betrayed by him. But then again, he's 50, and back in the day, I can completely understand why anyone would want to act straight and all. I thought I was going to also, until I finally found the courage to tell my first person. I really hope he isn't...it would simplify matters a lot more. I don't know if I would be able to love him as much as I have, although I guess I owe my life to his dishonesty.
     
    #8 wildcat2013, Jan 14, 2013
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  9. Chip

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    Every situation is different, but according to what I've heard from therapists who work with these populations, and people I know, once the initial shock and anger wears off, the spouse realizes why s/he fell in love with the gay person in the first place... and the friendship usually continues. What also helps is that in most cases, the straight spouse realizes, when s/he really thinks about it, that s/he had suspicions or already knew all along... but chose to ignore those suspicions... and so the fault is not solely on the shoulders of the gay spouse. So assuming the straight spouse doesn't get stuck in a pattern of bitterness and self-pity, s/he can let go of that.

    I have a friend who had gone out with the same girl for 4+ years and they were engaged. He realized, fortunately, that he was gay, came out to her... they both cried, but left that meeting as friends. They remain best friends. She's now happily married to another guy, and he's in a relationship, and they still hang out together and talk to one another all the time.
     
  10. Chip

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    WIldcat: Glad to hear things went so well! It sounds like your dad might suspect, and it might be really healing for both of you to tell him, if you're ready to do that. It's definitely tough that things are so strained between your mom and dad, but that's something that is really their thing to worry about.

    It honestly sounds like you're probably ready to come out to more people, and I think you'll find that it gets easier with each person you come out to :slight_smile:
     
  11. alwayshope11

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    I told my mom first :slight_smile:
     
  12. Ianthe

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    Most gay men that get married to women do so while still in denial of their sexuality, or in the belief that they will be able to turn straight. It's really unusual for them to enter into a marriage with the intention of deceiving the other person. They almost always believe that they are doing the right thing, and that it is for the best. In many cases, authority figures, such as pastors, have explicitly told them so. And when your dad was growing up, it was probably the message he got from the whole community.

    Then, it turns out it doesn't work--they are still gay. And they care about their wives, and love them deeply, but there is always something missing. And they are afflicted with incredible, crushing shame and guilt. But the shame is the worst thing--shame is not about having done something wrong, but about being something wrong.

    This feeling that they have that something about them is fundamentally bad or wrong sometimes leads them to act in profoundly self-destructive ways, and since it is their sexuality that they are ashamed of, their self-destructive behavior is often sexual in nature. I don't know if your father has had affairs or anything, but keep that in mind, too.

    When I talk to people who are in your father's position, or thinking about getting into that position, I tell them pretty bluntly that it is a bad idea and very unfair to the person they would be marrying. But I'm not talking to him right now, I'm talking to you. And the truth is, your dad's sexuality is not a betrayal of you, because it has nothing to do with you. It's between him and your mom. Your mom has apparently known for at least six years, and probably suspected long before that, and they way they are living is what she decided to do, knowingly. She could have done something else, but decided this was the best thing--including not telling you about it.

    Basically, stuff in his relationship with your mom is their stuff, and if you are going to be mad that YOU have been lied to, you have to be mad at both of them, because your mom is definitely complicit. Personally, I don't think you have any inherent right to know anyway. Obviously, him just being gay isn't something you should get mad about--that's involuntary.

    Your mom apparently decided to stay in the relationship and to keep the secret--and that was her choice, whatever the secret might be.