I am lost. - My name is.. let's say it's Sami for anonmnity's sake. So I joined EC because this past month I have been struggling to determine my sexuality.* From threads that I have been reading on here it seems like this topic is a common one. I was hoping people could offer me some insight from the LGBT perspective. Here is what I know about myself: I'm raised in a mildly religious family that (from what I can tell) is accepting of gays and somewhat support gay rights. I never realized that I would one day be writing this thread on homosexuality because I never could see myself as gay. After some deep reflection I realized that maybe I'm not straight after-all. I always knew I was different however after many years I am still not 100% sure nor accepting of who I am. I was never quite, actually--not at all, like the other girls my age. The last time I was forced to wear a dress was for 2nd grade communion.I wore a buisness-like suit to graduation and confirmation. When my team would have a sleepover we would always play never have I ever and I always felt left out because I had never kissed a guy nor ever been in a relationship. I ALWAYS feel extremely uncomfortable in the girls' locker room and get this urge to stare at the ground or change in a bathroom stall to avoid eye contact. I don't wear make-up and I feel most comfortable in sweats, a loose tank top, nike socks, and sandals. From K-8th grade I was the definition of a tomboy. At recess I would play flag football on the muddy field with my guy friends, I would play basketball with them, and I wore cargo shorts and baggy plain t-shirts, and sneakers. Plus a ton of other factors that set me apart from other girls my age. It all started when I was four years old when I would play adventure games by myself in my room. When I would play with my younger siblings I would always insist on being the prince that would save the imaginary princess from the evil wicked queen. Once I would save my princess I would recieve a kiss as my reward and we would ride off into the sunset (You know some 4-year-old fantasy). I never really thought anything of this. I didn't know that this role playing was not normal for a kid my age, let alone for anyone, and I certaintly did not know there was a definition for the feelings that I had for my princess. During middle school I got my hair cut shorter than most of my guy friends and was constantly mistaken for a "sonny, buddy, little guy, young man." Despite the emarassment at first I got over it quickly and just ignored them. In all honesty I didn't mind looking more like a guy because I was comfortbale wearing the boyish clothes I had always worn. The first week of Freshmen year I was confronted by a softball player before Trigonometry class and she flat out asked me, "are you a lesbian?" Of course I denied denied denied the fact because I knew I was straight. Well, at least I thought I was 100% straight. I was upset that she had asked me such a question in class. But now I look back an wonder how she came up with that conclusion, especially because I was wearing the standard school uniform like all 1,000 of the rest of us! I became self-conscious and thus ended my extreme tomboy regime. Towards the end of my first year in high school I would get together with my middle school friends every Friday night and we would sit around and watch scary movies and television shows on the couch. One of my closest friends was getting more touchy feely and I had mixed emotions about it all.* I had this weird butterfly feeling in my stomach but tried to shove the feelings out of my head. This wasn't normal but I needed to ignore it, so I did. I can still remember how softly she would rest her head on my shoulder and cuddle up right next to me, sit on my lap, and hug me for an uncomfortable amount of time up against her body. I think I wanted to kiss her. Immediately after this feeling I left her house at the commercial break because "I didn't feel to well." After that when I saw an attractive guy in the hall I feel like I had more of an emotional connection to him but when my best friend snuggled up next to me I could not help but feel an over-whelming physical connection to her. Everything seemed natual, I don't know it's hard to explain. Just last year as a sophomore, I was exposed to internet pornography for the first time. Like smoking or drinking alcohol is for some people, I found myself addicted to the images online. I couldn't go a night without peeking at the shots on tumblr, it was pitiful. What I realized after drooling over all those images is that the girl pictures had more of an effect on me that the guy pictures and thus triggering the emotions I have to this day. I am lost. Thank you for listening. Any comments or advice would be much appreciated! :help:
Hi. Questioning and curiosity is normal! It's doesn't change who you are. You don't have to make any decisions or label yourself just yet. You seem to have a preference for girls, but I would say just try to have some experiences and not worry about what to call yourself.
Thank you for this! It's just been hard to cope with all these mixed emotions. I feel like I cannot talk to anyone because everyone around me seems to shun homosexuality. Especially at school. I don't think it would be safe to come out even as bi-sexual. I find that I'm hiding the real me.
i went through the same thing with the "locker room" but i had a crush on this girl in my gym class and i would always try to get a peak at her...and look at around a little but always went into the bathroom and felt a little uncomfortable more or less because i was self - conscious also my gym teacher would sit there and stare at us and i remember when i we were doing exercises , i would just plain stare at the girl i had a crush on and felt that pull but i was 12 haha so...i would also get those butterflies...and whatnot. last year i had a crush on this girl katie , honestly i don't know why i had a crush on her but i got really nervous around her , i wrote these poems hoping she would turn around notice me. i remember this one time she hugged me , i got this electricity down my spine but i definitely had a crush on her but i denied it for so many time my friend asked me "are you lesbian?" and i flipped out inside and told them no because i was still figuring out my sexuality and didn't know what to say. i know i have feelings for girls , its a time that will determine if things will grow or not. and i recently had an online ex girlfriend of mine leave and im still recovering from it. we had been talking for 7 months straight and what a journey it was for both of us
Wow it seems like we both have somewhat similar experiences! Thank you for you response. It is much appreciated
Anytime , I'm glad we have similar experiences. Sorry if I didn't help much , I just wanted to say I could relate some. Good luck and feel free to talk to anyone if you need help. I was actually cautious on doing so but since I did , it's helped a lot
Hello, a fellow Questioning catholic here From what you've told us the likelihood of you being attracted to women sounds very very high based on three main things a) You imagined yourself rescuing and running off with a princess when you were 4 years old even despite having likely never seen homosexuality before b) You wanted to kiss your friend when you were close to her and felt butterflies! c) You find looking at naked women more exciting than naked men Hope you find the support and answers you need here at empty closets!
Aww, don't be sad or unhappy because of this. First of all - you have a supporting family - yay for you! Second of all - you're still questioning. Maybe you're just bi-curious and will end up as a regular straight woman Maybe not, but trust me, if you fall in love with a girl, you will no longer feel uncomfortable with the fact that you might be gay. I know this from my own personal experience. And you sound a lot like me :icon_bigg I know questioning sucks and I haven't quiet finished mine, but I got sorta used to the feeling of not knowing who I am. Hope you'll figure out yourself more quickly
