Some context: So my parents are in denial*. My mom and dad aren't exactly close and they don't really talk about anything that's of real importance with each other especially about direct family matters. Yes, it's odd and stupid I know (I suspect if it wasn't for my mom's personality they would of divorced already). I came out to my parents separately as I know their reactions would be different. My mom originally was in denial about it... but I've sort of given a big push on my end to get a definite answer after much heart wrenching e-mails on both our ends. *Well, I guess my mom has come around after this with much difficulty on her end...still need to talk to her live... So, after these e-mail conversations, my mom (who is in Asia and I'm in Canada) thinks I'm still asking them for more, which I am not! I will get this miscommunication cleaned up. HOWEVER, my mom has talked with my sister about my complaints towards my parents. My sister thinks I am asking for too much on my parents end. She thinks that since my parents are of a different generation and raised in a different society with different values, they have no need to accept the fact I am gay and I should just play along and act like everything is okay and keep the family harmony. She also thinks that I should think about their position as parents (not that I didn't...why do you think it took me so many years to come out of the closet?) and stop being so selfish. On my end, I believe that if I am to move forward, I would want their acceptance. But this can cause a clash of values. Mind, my dad is either in denial OR brushed off my coming out to him as a joke. So I've come up with these questions... Is it unfair to ask an older generation or one brought up in a different society, to understand (NOT accept) what it means to be gay? Especially to your own parents? Is it unfair to want one's parents acceptance even if it may cause the rest of the family great unhappiness as an side-effect? Am I being too selfish? Alternatively, is it not the younger generation job to move forward the times instead of keeping the status quo? If you want something done, don't you have to take action for it? Am I being too impatient? And for my sister: Is it so hard for some (straight) people to understand the value of parental acceptance to a gay person? Alternatively, am I not setting myself up for a relationship disaster in the future when I do have a potential mate? Or am I projecting too far into the future? Regardless, straight people don't have this kind of acceptance problems...why can't I ask for my dad's acceptance or at least try? All of this cropped up when they asked WHY I don't want to return to Asia for lunar new years. Well, mainly because I always have to act like a different person around them. I guess I gave my mom a lot of shock. But I am not really sympathetic ...rather more angry as why did she not see this coming? I did come out to her already two years ago...am I asking for too much again? Moreover, I am angry at my dad for asking if I have a girlfriend yet and taken my coming out as either a joke or in denial. I am also dissatisfied that society on a whole assumes that everyone you meet is straight. I am also dissatisfied with Asian countries not having equal rights for homosexuals. I am angry that Asian society on a whole takes the subject of homosexual as borderline taboo. I have a choice now, why on earth would I want to go to such a place even if it's my root? Anyways, as mentioned before, this boiled down to me giving my mom from what I know so far a heartache, perhaps depression maybe. Not that I didn't know that when I wrote the e-mail. I didn't mince words at all. The e-mail is written in mandarin so I wont bother posting it here. Thoughts? Opinions?
I definitely think you're in the right on this. I don't think that unconditional love and a simple acknowledgement of you as your own person is above and beyond the standards expected of any parent anywhere. That's actually sort of what parents are supposed to do. If I were you, I'd just say exactly how you feel, put it out in the open, say what you will and will not put up with from them (including your sister), and then move on with your life. That's all you can do unless you want to swallow your feelings to spare everyone else, and I see no reason for you to feel shitty when they're the ones that are refusing point-blank to deal with reality and are treating your sexuality like a joke. They're the ones that have a problem here. Not you. I'm sure it will cause them some shock and some unhappiness in general for a while, but the onus is on them to do something about it then. They'll get over it eventually. You're shouldering responsibility and hampering your life and emotional well-being to protect their emotional fragility, and it really isn't your place or your job to do that for them, family or not. I don't think you're being impatient at all either. You've given them 2 years to deal with it. That's more than enough time. You only get one life to live. You can't waste it hoping someone else will come around. None of us are getting any younger. Don't let them ruin it for you.
No it's not unfair. They are your parents. They should at least try to understand you. And you have to understand them also. I think you have though. I agree that 2 years is really a long time you've given them to think about it. But whether we like it or not, there are people who don't want to understand and it's really sad when they are your parents. I think for straight people they should think about what if for example they have a boy/girlfriend who their parents do not approve. It's different matters, but close enough. Sure if you independent to your parents you can just move on, but if not it's a big problem. You're right, Asian countries sucks. I lived in one too and planning my escape. i can totally see why are you so angry... but try to chill out. If you don't want to come home you shouldn't. It might just ruin the lunar new year celebration for you and them.
my mom is around 70, old generation,she is trying to accept a lot of stuff. Give them credit as adults to make the decision to accept or not...don't let a sister dictate to you what your parents can't handle. She is pretty foolish to think she knows so much of a generation she is not a part of.
Hey, thanks people for your thoughts and feedback. For the time being I'm going to give it some more thought. But the good news I guess is I have my mom's support now, although I'm not exactly sure at what consequences there will be...probably none at this rate so far. I suppose it's just my dad left now in the family.
