Yesterday, I told myself I was going to come out to my 3 straight friends. I've finally 100% accepted myself and I want to come out to most people soon because I'm turning 20 coming thursday, and I want to leave all this questioning and not being out behind me, in my teenage years, so to speak. So out of all my friends I think these three straight friends (guys, btw) are the biggest deal to me. Probably because they're all guys and they're all straight. But to me, they're the first that should know right now. We're in this group chat on WhatsApp, just the four of us, that we always use (I've considered coming out to them in person, either all at once or seperate, but I just can't). So yesterday, in the afternoon, I told myself: okay, this is the moment. I typed out a message, couldn't hit send, rephrased it, still couldn't hit send, and then I just sat there for 45 minutes. I decided to smoke a cigarette, and then do it. In the meantime, they started the conversation asking what our plans were for last night. They were going to hang out with the three of them; they had asked me, but I already had different plans. This was my chance, I thought. I'd tell them when they were with the three of them. That would be great. I didn't know why, but it would. So I went to my friends who I am out to, because one of them were having their birthday party. I had to use the public transport to get there and it would take me 1,5 hours. Enough time to come out to them. This was going to work. I decided I'd give them a call while I was waiting for the bus, after I got off the train. But it was very crowded. And I chickened out AGAIN. I don't know why I didn't just text them at this point, but okay. Guess I had my mind made up about wanting to do it through a phone call. Okay, so a few hours later. I'm at my friend's place. Just having a good time. I'd been thinking I'd just get drunk and text them when I was on my way home. Maybe they would be asleep by then. That would work. So at some point I stood up to get another drink. And I got a message. It was in the group chat I mentioned earlier. One of them said the following: "I'm a faggot. I can no longer deny it". The friend that said this was the one who I thought would be the most supportive if I were to come out because his sister is gay. Can you imagine? It was like they knew, not only that I was gay, but that I wanted to come out to them today. This message just had to have been to be directed to me, because they were with the three of them. This was not a serious message, because he has a girlfriend and he would not call himself a faggot. I ignored the message. I just didn't know what to reply. I could've said 'yeah me too lol except I'm being serious' but that wouldn't been weird. Later, another one of them, in the same chat, said "I hate it here..." and at first I didn't know what he meant so I just asked "Where are you?" and ignored the other message, still. He said "You don't want to know..." Okay, I thought and I put my phone away. Later I thought well they must be talking about the closet? I guess they know, and I get their point, but they're putting it in a really offensive way and now I just don't know what to do. I was thinking of sending a message saying I got their point, that I felt backstabbed, and that yes, I am gay, and maybe leave the conversation. Or just leave the conversation and see what they're going to do about it, and come out if they make any effort to talk to me (because it would be obvious that I was offended). But I don't know, they don't even deserve to know if they're going about it like this. I'm just really confused now. It's impossible for them not to know they could offend me by saying that. They're not thick, they must have at least a slight clue that I could be gay, so why would they say that other than to hurt me? I thought they were my friends? Best timing ever, as well, I have exams and some deadlines in two days and I have so much to do but this is really keeping me from focusing...
Ah, damn, I thought it was going to be a happy story till almost to the end. Well, until there wasn't much text left anymore to contain the possibility of the happy end. Damn.. Ok, first, take a deep breath. You don't know where they were and what was going on. This all might have had absolutely nothing to do with you. This has been the only thought on your mind the whole day, so you project the importance to others. The truth is, they (probably) have no clue of what is going on with you. So try finding out what they were doing. Don't start with the assumption that they were trying to hurt you. Ok, maybe they did, but why would that be your first guess? And even if they know, even if that was on your expense, maybe they are just teasing. Is that possible? I'm just saying, get all the facts before getting offended. And don't be overly sad. You still have support from EC, whatever happens
Thanks. I'm probably just paranoid because I was that close to coming out to them earlier that day, but still. I don't blame them for thinking I am gay, or even maybe pressuring me to come out; it's the way they're going about it. Why would you pretend coming out as a 'faggot' (not the word they used, but a different, maybe even more offense Dutch word), to someone who you know might be struggling with coming out? How does that help the person? Maybe they have no idea, but I highly doubt that, due to reasons. That, plus the fact that I was the only one it could be aimed at because they were together, makes it my first guess. The "I hate it here" was not about the closet thing I think, they went to some bar so it could've been about that (a bar of which had promised months ago that we would only go if all 4 of us could, mind you). Still the faggot thing really bothers me.
Of course it should bother you, especially if it was meant for you. There's no excuse to call someone any derogative name. And I understand about the lack of right translation to English, btw; English seems very mellow compared to some insulting colloquialisms for "homosexual" in my language as well. But, I just wanted to say that the whole situation seems strange.. I'm not sure that I would come to the same conclusions you made. I am definitely not saying that you are wrong; you know your friends, of course, so you are in a better position to understand what they meant. I'm just saying that maybe you are looking at their comments trying to put them in the perspective which is your own focus right now. It's often too easy to make things fit wrong assumptions. Like with the "I hate it here". I'm trying to say this with as much support and understanding as I can, don't you think assuming%
I understand, don't worry. Yeah we've just continued our group conversation today and haven't mentioned the faggot thing. They did ask me about this girl I told them I liked a few months ago, and they asked what's the holdup with her. Maybe they're just trying to help me now, I mean it just feels like they're reaching out a hand and all I have to do is grab it and they'll get me out of the closet. =p But it seems weird in contrast to the faggot thing. Thus, I'm not really ready coming out right now, I'll just let it sink in and maybe do it tomorrow. They also asked me what I wanted for my birthday and all, so maybe it isn't as bad as I thought it was. Silly me. Thanks, though.
It's normal, unfortunately, to sink low from time to time, and even to start thinking the world is conspiring against us. It sucks and it hurts, but it happens; so I wouldn't say you are silly at all The important thing is that we don't let ourselves sink too deep. It would be sad to lose friends over a misunderstanding. So, give yourself a moment to breathe, to cool down and to look at the situation calmly. Then, when you are ready, see if you want to come out to them. They are your friends and they probably do care about you. In a relatively short time you could go from thinking they are making fun of you to knowing they support you. That would be nice, right? Keep us posted And apply for the full member status.
