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Degrees of Attraction

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sartoris, Jan 13, 2013.

  1. Sartoris

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    Recently, in my seemingly neverending reflection on my sexuality :rolle:, I'd been thinking that maybe in general I can have emotional and/or physical attraction towards men and women, which I imagine most people experience in varying degrees including friendships,
    but have only romantic and sexual attraction towards men. This is assuming that emotional and romantic attraction can be considered seperate, if overlapping, much like physical and sexual attraction are.

    I'd been thinking about this because, as I've mentioned in past threads and comments, I can find women beautiful, attractive, etc. and in certain instances can be turned on but not so much by the woman's body in and of itself. While maybe I don't know for sure, I see myself as one of those who may be able to 'perform,' but ultimately have a tepid experience. Though I get nervous thinking about actually being with another guy, somehow I imagine the chemistry would be much stronger.

    As well, while I imagine being able to bond well with women [since I don't really have much experience socialising with those in my agegroup] I don't get those uber-romantic feelings. Even when I used to imagine having a girlfriend or wife, even when I had a crush on a girl in high school, any daydreams didn't really go beyond what would translate as a fond friendship. As opposed to the sort of thoughts I have about being with a guy. Little things such as simply enjoying being together, cuddling, all that gushy, nauseatingly romantic stuff. :confused:

    Admittedly, I had considered in the past whether I was something like biromantic homosexual or homoromantic bisexual, but as I've stated here and in the past I don't think whatever interest I have in women is enough to consider it as truly 'romantic' or 'sexual'. So my point in creating this thread, other than venting, was to ask whether this makes sense and is uncommon, and on that note whether anyone, male or female, who identifies as gay feels the same?
     
  2. Live Love Smile

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    I can relate in a way, actually.

    Whenever I imagine myself living with a man, it's more of a roomate agreement and for material security. Harsh but true. Physically, being with a guy? No. I do understand what you mean about finding them attractive, correct me if I'm wrong. If I see a guy that I would consider good looking, I think "I'd probably be attracted to him if I liked guys", but it's the same way that a straight girl can find another girl attractive.
     
  3. Sartoris

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    No, I think that's like what I'm feeling. There are things about women I can really appreciate admire, appearance-wise, and there will be those that give me the, "If only I was interested in women" feeling, 'cause it seems awkward to think of sleeping with a woman I find genuinely beautiful, if that makes sense.

    I've thought that, like you mentioned, maybe it's just like how straight women can find other women attractive. I guess it just seems weird, since I feel like I've been brought up to think that if you find a person attractive you must be attracted to them in that way. On top of that, straight women seem to be given more leeway in finding other women attractive whereas I feel that if I did so, others would either assume I'm straight or, if they knew I wasn't, question my identity.
     
  4. IanGallagher

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    Best advice is keep things open. Girls have always caught my eye more. I experimented in seeing how far I could go emotionally with a guy and found myself really surprised. Not many guys I could form a relationship with, but some guys it's possible just not as possible as with girls. Best advice I can offer is to stop thinking in terms of labels and just look for a person. You stop thinking about gender, gender disappears and it just becomes about people and chemistry. So if you are kind of like an opposite of what I am, just leaving yourself open should eliminate much of the questioning.
     
  5. Sartoris

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    I've seen and have been given that advice here before, but I can't say it feels very helpful since my questioning at this point is more about what I'm feeling towards women, in general, since I don't desire a relationship or sleeping with one. Basically, I can't picture what I'd get out of an intimate relationship with a woman that I couldn't get out of a close friendship and/or appreciating their looks.

    I mean, for most of my life, I thought I was attracted to women and they could catch my eye as well but little else. It was only last year that I focused more on how I felt about men and eventually began to question how I did about women in comparison. Since I've allowed myself to entertain thoughts about guys and being with one, in a larger sense, it hits me more deeply. By comparison, whatever I've felt about women has basically remained unchanged.

    But let's say I keep things open and, hypothetically, my first relationship was with a woman [and, assuming, she would be fine with my, shall we say, 'non-heterosexuality'.] Maybe I wouldn't be miserable but having nothing to compare it with, maybe I'd stay in the relationship despite not being completely fulfilled. I hate the thought that I may fool myself into thinking I could be just as happy with a woman as with a man since I've been gradually making progress in accepting that I'm more likely than not gay. [And believe me, this time last year, mentally-speaking, I was a wreck.]

    While I'm speaking in terms of identities [I don't like the term 'label',] it's more-or-less as a jumping off point to reflect upon my feelings. Unlike many others, I actually like identities and after having identified as bisexual for awhile before seriously questioning my sexuality, let alone coming out to anyone, gay generally feels right. I guess I just don't want people to assume I'm into women just because there are things I appreciate and like about them. As well as I'm not entirely used to feeling attracted to men, after spending so many years assuming I was attracted to girls and only realising within the last couple years that I'm probably not, in a romantic-sexual sense.
     
  6. Kgirl

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    I can empathise a lot with the most recent comment. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years and we are actually due to marry in a few months. I have the dress and everything :frowning2:

    I love him with all my heart but physically, for me, there has always been very little. I have never known any different so I just accepted it.

    But now, at the worst possible time, I met a woman online. We have never met in person but talking to her makes me feel amazing. I am now in an impossible situation - I love my fiance and really really don't want to hurt him :frowning2: I also love the idea of the life he can give me.

    But now I know what it feels like to talk intimately with a woman. But of course we have never met in person so the feelings might not be 'real' and also it could be a one off :S
     
  7. Sartoris

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    I wouldn't discount the online connection, though I can understand that it may be difficult to compare both of these experiences.

    Have you spoken with anyone at all about your concerns? Either on EC, specifically with someone among the staff, or in person? If you haven't, I think it's extremely important for you to address these feelings to someone that can help you understand them better as soon as possible.